Across Difficult Country

Archaeological News

2012-01-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

Podbury.

A stone head depicting my high school history teacher Mr. Podbury was unearthed in a Cupar garden. “Top experts” have no idea who carved the head, but agree it’s “very, very old”. I called Podbury to see if he could shed any light on the matter. When he answered I told him I was with the utility company, there was a gas leak, and he needed to open all his doors and windows then flush his toilet ten times. Some people never change I guess.

Circa 1904

2012-01-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

William Howard Taft on a water buffalo.

Bizarre Space Triangle

2011-12-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

An immense orange UFO witnesses describe as “Dorito shaped” returned to the skies over Dudley.¹ It flew around for a while, then left.²

I recall writing about the Dudley Dorito’s earlier appearances, but find no mention of it in the archives.³ I also remember seeing an advertisement for the Chia® Hitler in the back of a magazine, sometime in the early 90’s, but I can’t locate any evidence such a product ever existed, which complicates my Christmas shopping.

¹Apparently the seductive contours of junk food are crowding basic shapes out of the popular mind.

²The timing is slightly suspicious.

³The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, died in September. He was 97.

Soggy Situation in Whitby, etc.

2011-11-30T20:40:00.001-08:00

The Whitby Gazette reports Whitby is “under water” after a “freakish set of circumstances”. Does Whitby ever have any other kind?

The Whitby Gazette is not reporting a number of Whitbians were nearly drowned by something in the floodwater that grabbed their ankles and tried to pull them under, but my sources tell me it’s happening.

On this day in 1974 a Frenchman, whom we will call Jacques M. because he wishes to remain anonymous, was driving at night when he “suddenly saw a man at least eight feet tall in the light of his car's headlights, standing by the roadside. This being was milky white in color, as if wearing a tight white coverall, and his round head was without hair or facial features.”

On this day in 1979, a couple in Puerto Rico saw the same figure in white coveralls standing on a “luminous“ flying platform, only now he was also wearing a “large helmet with a dark visor that completely covered his face”, and had shrunk to a height of four feet.

On this day in 1982, a Brazilian named Joao Valeiro da Silva was awakened by “two strange little men and a woman, each about three feet tall”. The trio were wearing “brilliant blue coveralls” made out of a “a rubber material”. Then a naked girl showed up. Joao doesn’t remember what happened next, but complained afterwards his genitals “were burning”. We‘ve all been there.

The elusive, self-proclaimed Sultan of Sulu Datu Mohd Akjan Datu Ali Muhammad, who disappeared in May, remains at large. Sabah Commissioner of Police Datuk Hamzah Taib is confident “He is not in Sabah or in Kuala Lumpur (at the moment).” Confusingly, the self-proclaimed Sultan’s self-proclaimed Prime Minister Datu Albi insists the self-proclaimed Sultan has not yet ascended to the throne, but has accepted an offer to do so. From whom? Himself?

International Items

2011-10-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Mulazim Awwal Moamer Mohammad Abu Minyar al-Kazzafi.

In Libya, Sarkozy and Obama helped rebels murder Muammar Gaddafi*. Why is unclear, perhaps they envied Mr. Khaddafi’s style.

Obama inserted troops into Uganda, which sounds vaguely dirty, and probably is.

In the UK Mike Newman, a blind man, flew a plane for a record setting 26 consecutive loops. He insists he did it on purpose.

*Prounced Qadhdhafi.

Now It Was 1993

2011-09-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

I can’t always remember their names, but in my nightmares I can see their faces. As the commissioner of the Georgia Department of Corrections from 1992 until 1995, I oversaw five executions. The first two were Thomas Dean Stevens and Christopher Burger, accomplices in a monstrous crime: as teenagers in 1977, they robbed and raped a cabdriver, put him in the trunk of a car, and pushed the vehicle into a pond. I had no doubt that they were guilty: they admitted it to me. But now it was 1993 and they were in their 30s. All these years later, after a little frontal-lobe development, they were entirely different people.

- Allen Ault, "I Ordered Death in Georgia."

A Waning Moon, Haunted

2011-09-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

Footage of the legendary Zambian Space Programme has turned up:

To this day many question official explanations for ending the Apollo missions. I sometimes wonder if we stopped going to the moon because we found ZSP Afronauts up there.

Looking Ahead

2011-08-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

Scientists say the asteroid Apophis could crash into the Earth in 2036. The impact wouldn’t end life as we know it (Apophis only weighs 46 million tons), but damage would be significant, particularly for those foolish enough to get between the asteroid and its chosen landing place.

Luckily for Earth, the Chinamen are sending a solar sail powered spacecraft to intercept the celestial boulder. Shengping Gong of Tsinghua University in Beijing explains: “When the asteroid gets within range, the spacecraft will spray it with melamine tainted milk, then bombard it with an assortment of lead contaminated gewgaws . If that fails to deter, the craft will crash into the asteroid, deflecting it.”*

And if that doesn’t work?

“If that doesn’t work, we will put pee-pee in your Coke.”

So there you have it.

*Mr. Gong’s lack of a stereotypical accent surprises me, too.

Upper Volta

2011-08-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

The Reconnecting With The People bus tour continues...

“Driver, why have we stopped?”

“I’m having trouble locating Upper Volta on the map.”

“Find Lower Volta, then head north.”

“It’s not called Upper Volta anymore. They renamed it Burkina Faso.”

“They did? Burkina Faso sounds like some sort of seaweed-tofu pie you might get at one of those horrible vegetarian restaurants. I narrowly escaped eating at a vegetarian restaurant once. It had a deceptive façade, so I walked right in. Waiting to be seated, though, I managed to sense something was wrong. Then it hit me - I’m in one of those horrible vegetarian restaurants, and I got out. I’ve had a lot of narrow escapes. Remind me to tell you about them some time.”

“I will.”

“Maybe we should forget about Upper Volta.”

“Burkina Faso.”

“Both of them.”

“As you wish.

Western Illinois

2011-08-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

The Reconnecting With The People bus tour continues...

Crossing the border into Western Illinois you see smoke and fires in the distance. Further on you pass a tree festooned with the bodies of skinned animals. A group of ragged children, some wearing Halloween masks, stand in a field. Motionless, watching. They carry sticks and machetes.

Press on, driver. We shan’t be stopping in Western Illinois.

Tour

2011-08-22T04:52:00.000-07:00

To Decorah, Iowa, the first stop on my Reconnecting With The People bus tour of northeastern Iowa, western Illinois, and Upper Volta. A crowd of townsfolk gathers in front of a picturesque barn to greet me; after brief introductory remarks I open the floor for questions.

C. VAN CARTER: The lady in back.

Q Hello, my name is Gladys Cook. You say you are reconnecting with the people…

CVC: Yes.

Q But I thought you hated The People?

CVC: Yes, I do, of course. I also hate traveling by bus. Let’s not get sidetracked with technicalities.

The man down front, with the parrot. Not him, the other one. Not the green parrot, the red parrot. Go ahead.

Q Hello. I’m Leonard Faldet. Like many who live in small towns in the American heartland, I enjoy orange telephones. Could you do more of that?

CVC: My staff and I have been working on plan, an orange telephone plan. We’ll be rolling it out as soon as we can.

Over here, the man over here with the vaguely homosexualist moustache. Yes, you.

Q Hi. My name is Barry Timp. Whatever happened to Florentino Floro Jr.?

CVC: No more questions.

While I Was Out

2011-08-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

Widespread riots in the UK, none in Whitby, though a hedge burned, after a garden fire got “out of hand”.

The police and government non-response to the mayhem reminded me of the case of Simon Ledger, who was arrested for singing 70’s novelty hit “Kung-Fu Fighting” at bar on the Isle of Wight because the lyrics offended a Chinaman and his mother (the technical term for this state of affairs is anarcho-tyranny).

In Jertih, Malaysia, two bomoh captured nine djinns, at the home of a young woman who “vanished on several occasions, only to be found in odd places like inside a cement mixer and a cemetery”:

Hundreds of residents flocked to the home…when they heard that the "culprits" had been captured and imprisoned in special containers. Curious onlookers jostled to take photos and video footage of the containers and the djinns said to be inside.The two bomoh, who refused to be identified, offered their services for free on Friday after reading about Siti Balqis' plight in newspapers. At 7.30pm, one of them started praying inside the family home while the other recited verses outside the front door. About 15 minutes later, the bomoh outside the house saw a figure dashing away. He gave chase and captured it. Subsequently, eight more djinns were captured one by one as they tried to flee. The bomoh said the sealed containers would be thrown into the sea so that the djinns would not bother anyone again.

Also in Malaysia, a new “Reuniting Families-Child Safety” program was launched.

Social workers attempt to reunite a lazy child with his neglectful mother.

Deranged New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof announced “My hard drive overflows with photos of children bleeding from shrapnel.” I’ve long been suspicious of Kristof. I find his reports on Third-World prostitution overly enthusiastic.

Professional blogger Matty Yglesias announced he was writing a book about "housing policy":

The basic idea is to make the case that pathological elements of our housing policy that increase the cost of living in desirable neighborhoods of key metropolitan areas are an underrated of America’s economic and social problems. Longtime readers will be familiar with the general shape of my thinking on this issue, but the ideas are going to be laid out in a more systematic way with a much more comprehensive look at how it all fits together and what levers might exist

It goes on like that. Mr. Yglesias is a graduate of the Dalton School and Harvard University.

Uruguay strengthened ties with Iran. I thought part of the appeal of being Uruguay was that you didn’t have do things like form alliances with countries like Iran.

In Bihar, a forest dwelling Maoist was arrested with “arms and explosives”. I thought part of the appeal dwelling in the forest was that you could escape ideological entanglements.

Synchromystic Sorcery or Coincidence

2011-06-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

Saturday, June 4th:

Wild winds lifted three inflatable bounce houses - with kids inside - into the air, and then tumbling end-over-end on a Long Island soccer field.

The bizarre incident at the Oceanside United Soccer Club event sent 13 people, including several children, to area hospitals..."It was the craziest thing you ever saw," [said] one father...

Monday, May 30th:

Three children have been hurt after a bouncy castle thought to have been caught by a gust of wind left the floor and became wrapped around a telegraph pole.

Horrified onlookers who were attending a double christening celebration at the White House pub in Whitby yesterday screamed as the youngsters fell off the inflatable suffering multiple broken bones...the children are said to be in a stable condition.

An Evening of Stuff

2011-05-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

To the White House for an “Evening of Poetry”. Scanning the East Room, I don’t see any actual poets. I mingle about, carefully avoiding Billy Collins. I chat with that girl from 'Til Tuesday. She's overcome severe cat allergies to become a fixture on “adult alternative” radio (or so I'm told). I ask various people if they've seen Edward Williams, and receive blank looks. One of the guests is a rapper. I try to explain to him that “frabbajabous” isn’t a real word. He gives me a blank look.

Eventually the President gives a speech. I give him a blank look. Some doggerel is read. A comedian plays a banjo (why?).

As the festivities wind down, a Secret Service agent approaches, and quietly asks me to follow him. After an elevator ride, we walk down a lengthy hallway, through a door, into a martial arts dojo. Standing there is the First Lady, with a pair of aides slathering oil on her nude body. My mind whirls. I realize she wants to engage me in hand-to-hand combat, au naturel. I'm loosening my tie when Billy Collins walks in. Pointing to my bad knee, I persuade him to take my place. He enthusiastically strips down, and bounds onto the mat. He swings his arms wildly. The First Lady easily takes him to the ground, and proceeds to choke him into unconsciousness.

Bihar Days

2011-04-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

I spend the morning in Bihar, photographing the poor and lawless state’s various large ditches. (Expect to see some of the images in my forthcoming book, Various Large Ditches of the Third World.) In the afternoon I join Bihar’s Governor Devanand Konwar for lunch. We discuss the plans to build toilets throughout Bihar, so women and girls no longer have to “defecate in the open.” I warn him giving in to one demand only encourages women to make more demands. He insists on moving forward, saying the toilets will be installed by the year 2135, at least if everything goes according to schedule.

Nine Pints of Beer

2011-04-22T03:20:00.000-07:00

I get word of the Greg Mortensen scandal while visiting the Tieraufstapelung Academy, a school I founded in the poor and lawless state of Bihar which teaches wayward girls the ancient art of animal stacking. It’s sad to think the deceptions of man I've never met cast doubt my own completely factual travel accounts and entirely legitimate charity work, but that’s the world we live in now.

Time, Tide, Edit, Emit

2011-04-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

In a lengthy treatise I have not read, Bradford W. Scharlott (journalism professor, potential sex offender) argues Sarah Palin faked the pregnancy and birth of her fifth child, of whom she is actually the grandmother. It’s an interesting theory. A more interesting theory: what if Sarah Palin traveled back in time, to give birth to Barack Obama? It would explain why he’s gone to such lengths to conceal his long form birth certificate. We know for a fact, courtesy of the FBI, USG recovered crashed flying saucers. Lt. Col. Philip J. Corso has stated the craft were not spaceships from other planets, but time machines from the future. Corso, I just realized, kind of looks like Brad Scharlott. How many layers are there to this thing?

Hold My Calls

2011-04-11T03:36:00.000-07:00

Blazes Baffle Botswana

2011-03-21T04:16:00.000-07:00

Spiritual fires like the ones that bedeviled Malaysia are now breaking out in Botswana:

A family of eleven is begging for help after a series of mysterious fires destroyed their property and left them homeless.

The latest in a trilogy of devastating blazes occurred this week when a remaining storeroom and the police tent in which they had been sheltering also went up in flames.

The unexplained fires that have been tormenting the family in the Southern District village of Goodhope since January, has baffled police investigating the incidents...

As suspicions abound that the fires were the cause of a demonic curse, a Pentecostal church leader was expected to visit the family on a spiritual intervention mission.

The Malaysian spiritual fires, you may recall, were impervious to the prayer recitations of ten ulamas. Given the trajectory of the phenomenon, FEMA should consider setting up spiritual fire monitoring stations on the East Coast, as a precautionary measure.

Things to Read or Not

2011-03-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

A Bear-Wolf prowls Wisconsin:

Steve Krueger was doing his job...removing road-side deer carcasses overnight for the Department of Natural Resources.

Krueger said he had just made a pick-up along a remote road near Holy Hill about 1:30 a.m., and he was in the cab doing some paperwork. When his parked truck started shaking, he looked in the rear view mirror and got the scare of his life.

He said his flashing lights illuminated a huge hairy beast standing on its hind legs -- dragging a deer off the open tailgate.

With luck, the beast will make its way to Madison, and feast on the hippies infesting the Capitol. I’ve spoken before of Nature’s moral degeneracy, the existence of a Bear-Wolf is another example.

In an important new essay, noted historian Ian Kershaw says Fascism is on the rise in Europe.¹ Or something of the sort, I read no further than the following paragraph:

Though the immigrants were actually important to the continued economic growth of the wealthier nations, their settlement—largely in poorer parts of towns and cities—was often greatly unwelcome. Many people, themselves underprivileged and living close to the poverty line, objected strongly to “interlopers” who, they thought (usually incorrectly), were being given unfair advantages in employment opportunities, housing allocation and the granting of social benefits.

Sir Ian should hire a fact checker.² Or else read his country's newspapers:

"Ten years of record immigration to Britain has produced virtually no economic benefits for the country, a parliamentary inquiry has found."

"Seven in 10 new jobs go to foreigners...Up to a third of skilled migrants are also coming to the UK to take jobs that do not have to be advertised here first."

"Thousands of Eastern European citizens are given council houses every year, leapfrogging millions of Britons who languish on waiting lists."

¹Why does nothing fun ever happen here?
²Kershaw has argued “Hitler was a very unbureaucratic leader who was highly adverse to paper work.”

Mysteries of the Orient

2011-02-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

Fainting spells afflict Vietcong school children: “Since January 17, between 12 and 40 students faint every day at school, mainly between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m.” The cause of the fainting is a mystery. Also a mystery is why these children are in school, when they could be in a factory making sneakers.

From Malayisa comes an amazing report of “spiritual fires” plaguing a house. The unusual blazes have left the entire nation baffled:

A weird "spiritual fire" broke out in a residential house at Jalan Pantai Cahaya Bulan, Kampung Barembang, Kota Bharu recently.

More than ten ulamas failed to put out the "fire" by way of reciting the Koran verses, and incidents of spontaneous fires burning the clothes continue to take place for more than twenty times thereafter.

[O]wner of the house, Zainab Sulaiman, 73, said even though the incidence of "spiritual fires" had somewhat slowed down after the ulamas offered the prayers, they still came for about four times.

The mysterious phenomenon appeared again during day time for more than twenty times...

The "spiritual fires" have burned the clothes, spoiled the food, turned on the gas cooker and burned the new school uniforms and veils of Zainab's two granddaughters, 11-year-old Nur Fartili and 13-year-old Wan Nurfatifa, making them unable to go to school.

The incidents have lasted for 13 days now and many "supreme masters" have been consulted but to no avail.

Zainab could hardly understand why such strange phenomenon could take place in her house, which was built on the land belonging to the Islamic Affairs Bureau...

Those poor girls. They must be miserable.

Ignis fatuus

2011-02-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

“The foolish fire, is an Exhalation kindled by meanes of violent moving, when by cold of the night, in the lowest region of the ayre, it is beaten downe, and then commonly, if it be light, seeketh to ascend upward, and is sent downe agayne; so it banceth up and downe: Els if it move not up and downe, it is a great lumpe of glewish or oyly matter, that by moving of the heat in it selfe, is enflamed of it selfe, as moyst hay will be kindled of it selfe.”

- William Fulke (1563), A Goodly Gallerye: William Fulke's Book of Meteors, pp.10-13.

“There is some evidence that phenomena such as the Will o' the Wisp in England and Min Min Light in Australia are luminescing Barn Owls Tyto alba (e.g. Purdy 1908; Gurney 1908; McAtee 1947; Bunn et at 1982; Macnamara 1989). However, the source of the luminescence is yet to be resolved. The most common explanation for such luminescence is that the owls have become contaminated with luminous fungi that grow inside hollow trees (e.g. Bunn et al. 1982) although, for reasons discussed herein, that explanation is unsatisfactory.

[...]

Is there any reason why birds could not bioluminesce? In a private letter Peter J. Herring, editor of Bioluminescence in Action (Academic Press, London 1978) said, 'There is no fundamental reason why there should not he a self-luminous bird (or mammal or reptile) but none has been reported'...

This paper considers four premises:

1. There is sufficient evidence to suggest that one or more of the following are true.
2. Barn Owls are indeed luminous, as has been often reported.
3. Luminescence is intrinsic to the owls and does not arise from contamination with luminous fungi.
4. Luminous natural phenomena, such as the Will o' the Wisp and Min Min Light, represent sightings of luminous owls.

Only the Barn Owl is considered in this paper, because all the evidence gathered points to that species…”

- Fred Silcock, "A Review of accounts of luminosity in Barn Owls Tyto alba," Australian Raptor Studies II - Birds Australia Monograph 3 (1997).

History Is a Great Dust Heap

2011-02-14T04:23:00.000-08:00

The beautiful Greek undressed when she went to rest for the night, yet her bed wanted the delicate and refined ventilators - sheets. When she arose from her blanket covered plane of repose, to array herself in woollen, she had no stays, nor stockings to add to her comfort, and a buckle only, or a skewer instead of a paper of pins, to make her garments air tight. If this perfumed model of womankind, with her painted cheeks and lips and eyebrows, did not indulge in the luxury of the shift, neither had her lord any shirt, nor drawers, nor hose, nor buttons, nor handkerchief, nor pockets, nor lining to his cloak, nor gloves,-items essential to the perfection of the most common modern portable climate.

- Walter Bernan [Robert Stuart Meikleham], On the History and Art of Warming and Ventilating Rooms and Buildings: By Open Fires, Hypocausts, German, Dutch, Russian, and Swedish Stoves, Steam, Hot Water, Heated Air, Heat of Animals, and Other Methods; with Notices of the Progress of Personal and Fireside Comfort, and of the Management of Fuel, p.38.

Super Bowl Notes

2011-02-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

The Stadium

A Cyclopean tomb.

National anthem

Having free-jazz alpehornist Fritz Entegeliebter play it would be an improvement.

Commercials

Beneath a frantic surface the primary quality of the advertisements is one of exhaustion.

Halftime show

Bringing a herd of donkeys out to bray a bit then defecate on the 50 yard line would be an improvement.

The game

I met a double murderer once (wife, mother). We had a friendly conversation about football.

La Siècle de la Raison

2011-02-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

The eighteenth century has been called the century of reason. I’ve never understood that: they’re all mad! They give reason a responsibility which it simply can’t bear, it’s too weak. The Encyclopedists wanted to know everything...But that direct relation between the self and – as the Italians say – lo scibile, the knowable, was already broken.

- Samuel Beckett.

I am willing you should call this the Age of Frivolity as you do, and would not object if you had named it the Age of Folly, Vice, Frenzy, Brutality, Daemons, Buonaparte, Tom Paine, or the Age of the Burning Brand from Bottomless Pit, or anything but the Age of Reason.

- John Adams.

Zambia Report

2011-02-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

Heightening ethnic tensions in Zambia. The Nkoyas, Mbundas, Chokwes, Luyanas, Luba-Lundas, Luchazi, and the Muzungus are not getting along, and Harrison Musonda reports the Barosteians want to secede (I think the Barosteians are Lozis, but you never know).

China has been busy in Zambia - building Chinatowns, beating miners, shooting miners, “developing” the local media. It’s not only Zambia; everywhere you go in Africa there's a Chinaman with a tiny finger in a pie. China’s foreign policy must seem quaint to the progressive experts ("Minerals? We're way beyond minerals.") who oversee our State Department.

At a wedding in Zambia, a “jubilant” man’s attempt to “express happiness” reminds us silence is the perfectest herald of joy.

Reheated Cabbage

2011-01-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

The sharing of praise for all who suffered and aided the suffering made me think of another speech, Henry V’s at Agincourt. That is a kind of proleptic memorial for all who fought with their brother the king, looking forward to the future celebration of such heroes. The prologue to the Agincourt act describes how visits from the king cheered his men, giving them “a little touch of Harry in the night.” Shakespeare makes oblique reference here to “the king’s touch,” which was supposed to heal people. In a more superstitious age that is how people might have seen the fact that the wounded congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords, first opened her eyes right after Obama visited her. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, her friend who was in the hospital room when she opened her eyes, says that the moment seemed as miraculous as when her children were born.

The loudest cheers at the Tucson speech were for the news that “Gabby,” as she was known to all her many friends, was recovering. Perhaps there was the sound, there, of a nation recovering.

- Author, professor, and "public intellectual" Garry Wills, on President Obama's Jan. 12 speech in Tuscon.

Invited Guests

2011-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Disturbing notice in the Whitby Gazette:

Whitby to host clergy conference

WHITBY will be the venue for a summer conference hosted by the Bishop of Whitby to which guests from all over the world are being invited.

It is due to take place between the 11 and 15 July and will look at how the Celtic tradition can help the Church in its work today.

The conference will consist of four major sessions featuring internationally known speakers as well as field trips, services and time for relaxation.

Delegates will be based in Whitby but will have the opportunity to visit other parts of North Yorkshire...

Obviously, the idea is to lure a large number of clergyman to Whitby, then ritualistically murder them. Let us hope my exposing this diabolic plan will deter the wicked Whitbians from bringing it to bloody fruition.

Forthcoming Fiction

2011-01-17T04:50:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from my soon to be published mystery novel, Dead Man’s Trombone:

I lit a Pall Mall with one hand and lazily steered the big Buick down the darkened streets with the other, because I‘m the type of guy who disregards fuel economy, Surgeon General’s warnings, and traffic safety. In the back seat was a black case. Inside the case was a dead man’s trombone.

—

“I enjoyed your set of post-bop improvisations,” I said, as I lit a Pall Mall.

“Cool, man. A lot of cats don’t get what I’m trying to do with harmonic structures. I‘m not sure what you want from me, though.”

“There’s something I would like you to take a look at.”

I flipped open the case and spun it around. The jazzbo’s eyes widened.

“Damn! Is that a dead man’s trombone?”

—

I opened the door, and found her lying on the couch, the dead man’s trombone on top of her, nestled in the cleavage of her ample bosom. I lit a Pall Mall. For once, the unflappable detective was thoroughly flapped.

—

I lit a Pall Mall, then gave him a cold stare. “You’re going to tell me where Rickey Mivers is,” I said.

“If I don’t?”

I stared colder.

“See this?” I pressed the dead man’s trombone up against his neck.

“What’s that, a slidey horn?”

“It’s a dead man’s trombone, idiot. Tell me where Rickey Mivers is, or you’ll be playing tunes on it, Bulgarian style. Get it?”

“Actually, no.”

What others are saying about Dead Man’s Trombone:

“The ending will haunt you, the way that goat haunts me.” - Prof. Glen Morangie

“Transcends the hardboiled genre.“ - Joanne Pearson, Whitby Literary Review

“I couldn’t put it down, what with all the slam bang action, twists and turns, detecting and whatnot.“ - Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov

The New Studies Are Here

2011-01-13T05:31:00.000-08:00

Pterygotid sea scorpion, tickling a bird.

Pterygotid sea scorpions, 8 foot long arthropods that lived hundreds of millions of years ago were not fearsome predators, a new study says. Their oversized, lethal looking claws were actually weak and clumsy, making them the buffoons of the Paleozoic ocean. Scientists exposing and embarrassing them now, after all this time, strikes me as mean-spirited.

Another new study says “giant pandas need old-growth forests as much as bamboo forests.” Am I the only one who finds Pandas’ demands excessive? I've never seen them do anything to warrant the adulation heaped on them, either.

After observing a group of Ugandan chimpanzees for 14 years, a pair of easily entertained scientists concluded “young females in one group of African chimpanzees use sticks as dolls more than their male peers do.” I forwarded the report to the Women’s Studies department of a local university, with the suggestion they deploy faculty to the jungle, to teach the chimps how to overcome stereotypical gender roles.

Lost Trails, Lost Cities

2011-01-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

On weekends, certain parts of downtown are virtually deserted. Sometimes I walk through them, like an explorer walking for the first time through the remains of a colossal city, built then abandoned for unknown reasons by some deservedly extinct civilization. That ominous, slab-sided tower - was it a monument to a god of death? Behind that building's hideous mirrored façade - did sacrifices take place? That convenience store - it's open? I think I’ll purchase some Altoids.

Graphed

2011-01-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

The President and the Speaker of the House smoke cigarettes, yet both are so feeble neither will lift a finger to reduce the burden of taxes and regulations which weigh upon ordinary tobacco hobbyists. Embodiments of the modern male type, they've been drained and transformed by prevailing sentiments; not leaders, they wriggle about the nation’s capitol like some strange species of giant, fleshy earthworm. Their inaction is a tragedy for America, as the graph below irrefutably demonstrates:

Improved

2011-01-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

Alan Gribben, who pretends to be a scholar of Mark Twain, has edited new versions of the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer with the word “nigger” removed:

The idea of a more politically correct Finn came to the 69-year-old English professor over years of teaching and outreach, during which he habitually replaced the word with "slave" when reading aloud. Gribben grew up without ever hearing the "n" word ("My mother said it's only useful to identify [those who use it as] the wrong kind of people") and became increasingly aware of its jarring effect as he moved South and started a family. "My daughter went to a magnet school and one of her best friends was an African-American girl. She loathed the book, could barely read it."

Instead of sanitizing books written in more civilized eras, liberals should do what other cults have done to handle taboos, and devise some sort of purification ritual adherents can perform after reading or hearing “nigger,” or any other “unclean” words. A little self flagellation with a stalk of organically grown bok choy, followed by a bottled spring water ablution, would do the trick.

From "Materia Poetica"

2011-01-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

"To make a clam play an accordion is to invent not to discover." - Wallace Stevens.

Pleased to Meet You

2010-11-19T03:00:00.000-08:00

October Oddments

2010-11-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

Scientists say God put taste buds in our lungs because He wants us to smoke tobacco.

To save money, the Telegraph newspaper no longer uses proofreaders.

The Burmese jungle teems with sneezing monkeys that look like Michael Jackson in his later stages. Gruesome thought: could they be Jacko-Bubbles hybrids? Recall the rumors of a secret laboratory in the caverns beneath the Neverland ranch. I will report back once the results of DNA tests are in.

Ghoulish Russian bears are digging up and eating corpses in graveyards: "In Karelia one bear learned how to do it [open a coffin]. He then taught the others," she added, suggesting: "They are pretty quick learners."

When I observed “bears are capable of crimes more heinous than stealing picnic baskets,” I had no idea just how horrible they were.

Russian “yetis” declare war on bears, and who can blame them?

Some people think the Russian yetis (also known as Almasti) are actually Neanderthals.

3rd Grade Memories

2010-10-25T04:06:00.000-07:00

School

“When I grow up, I’m going to write things about white vans and blobs and dumb scientists. I’ll publish my musings electronically somehow.”

“You’re weird, Carter,” said Betty Lou, so I pulled her pigtails.

The Sweater

My parents made me wear an itchy turtle neck sweater so I “wouldn’t catch a cold”.

“Sweaters don’t kill germs,” I told them.

“Go to your room,” they told me.

“Pay attention,” I said to Mossy the Hobo. “If I lose the sweater, it’s too obvious, so I’m going to give you this dollar, and tomorrow when you see me walking with my mom you run out and steal the sweater from me. Don‘t screw it up.”

The next day I’m walking with my mother, and up strolls Mossy. He grabs the sweater, and starts pulling it off me. I put up a fight, to make it look good. A guy driving by sees the commotion. He jumps out of his truck and punches Mossy square in the face. Mossy crumples, and lies twitching in a pool of his own blood until the ambulance arrives.

The sweater was ruined, its arms stretched all to hell, so it all worked it out for the best.

Halloween

After trick or treating every other house in the neighborhood my friends and I arrived at the run down cottage at the end of the block inhabited by Granny Skuld, a mean old lady who everyone said put pins in apples and poison in candy and probably was a witch.

A vote decided Tony should go up and ring the bell, but he doesn‘t want to. “Tony, you go up there, or we will punch your fat belly until you cry,” we said, then hid in the shrubs to watch. He walked slowly up to her door, and rang the bell. The door opened, and he stood there, silent and shaking, for some time. Then he stepped into the house, and the door slammed shut. Terrified, we ran away.

Back safe at our homes, we tranquilized our fear with all the candy we had got. Like most children, we had short attention spans, and soon forgot about Tony, whom we never liked much anyway. It was a shock when, three months later, some hunters found him, wandering naked in the woods outside of town. Strangely, he was even fatter than before his disappearance. He said he couldn’t remember anything, and we kept our mouths shut.

White Gliding Ghostliness

2010-10-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Multiple attempts by at least two different drivers to lure children into white vans in the Pittsburgh area - six in the past three weeks. Police urge everyone to “stay alert”, but refused to comment when asked if they believe, as some do, that falling into a reverie causes the white vans to appear.

In Sydney, Australia, a man tried to “entice” a 12 year old girl into his white van. Earlier in the day in another part of town, a white van stalked a 15 year old boy on the way to school. Like a dreamer awoken from a nightmare the youth vividly recounted the terror he felt as the white van pursued him, but was “unable to provide a description of any occupants of the vehicle”. Police “don’t believe any of the incidents are linked”, despite the glaringly obvious white van connection.

A man in a white van was observed “fighting with himself” in Grass Valley, California.

A New Zealand woman was “grabbed on Te Ngae Rd and dragged into the back of a [white] car”. The woman escaped, and, inexplicably, a passing white van picked her up and took her to a police station. Confused police wish to speak with the white van’s driver, who like his evil counterparts was unidentified.An expert who monitors white van activity says we can expect it to “crescendo around Halloween”, whatever that means.

Strange Rediscovery

2010-10-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

The New York Times reports:

The city of Moberly, Mo., is stirred up over the discovery of a wonderful buried city, which was discovered at the bottom of a coal shaft, 360 feet deep, which was being sunk near the city. A hard and thick stratum of lava arches in the buried city, the streets of which are regularly laid out and enclosed by walls of stone...A hall 30 by 100 feet was discovered , wherein were stone benches and tools of all description for mechanical service. Further search disclosed statues and images of a substance closely resembling bronze...A stone fountain was found, situated in a wide court or street, and from it a stream of perfectly pure water was flowing...Lying beside the foundation were portions of the skeleton of a human being. The bones of the leg measured, the femur four and one-half feet, the tibia four feet and three inches, showing that when alive the figure was three times the size of an ordinary man...[cont.]

Glorious Piles

2010-10-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

An examination of nearly a thousand Egyptian and South American mummies revealed few incidences of cancer, leading researchers to conclude the disease is caused by the modern way of life, and me to conclude properly operated large stone pyramids prevent cancer.

From North Yorkshire to Ashgabat

2010-10-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

Others finally notice he monstrous evil of Whitby. The Whitby Gazette reports: “A Japanese television crew is currently filming in Whitby as part of an educational programme to be shown on NHK – Japan's equivalent of the BBC.”

While the NHK educates the Japanese people about Whitby’s dangers, the U.S. media continues to ignore the situation. I attribute this neglect to incompetence and irresponsibility, but I am beginning to wonder.

In Turkmenistan, where standards for clerical work are quite high, apparently, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov signed a decree “severely reprimanding” press secretary Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev for assorted malfeasances, including “failing to highlight”, and “improper organization”. The President then signed a decree relieving Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan Gochguly Saparlyev of his duties (“failing to fulfill responsibilities”), followed by a decree appointing Deputy Chairman of the chamber Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov acting Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan.

Yesterday, Turkmenistan police stormed the apartment of an unnamed street cleaner and arrested him, after neighbors reported overhearing him call for the assassinations of Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev, Gochguly Saparlyev, Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov, and Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov. Authorities later released the man, after determining he had only been gargling.

Treacherous Bait

2010-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Near the nation’s capitol a sea serpent was spotted, swimming merrily along. Cryptozoologists hope the monster will be captured; normal Americans hope politicians will be lured to the banks of the Potomac, where the serpent can lunge out and devour them.

Wonderful Indeed Are The Preserves of Time

2010-09-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

That mummy is medicinal, the Arabian Doctor Haly delivereth and divers confirm; but of the particular uses thereof, there is much discrepancy of opinion. While Hofmannus prescribes the same to epileptics, Johan de Muralto commends the use thereof to gouty persons; Bacon likewise extols it as a stiptic: and Junkenius considers it of efficacy to resolve coagulated blood. Meanwhile, we hardly applaud Francis the First, of France, who always carried Mummia with him as a panacea against all disorders; and were the efficacy thereof more clearly made out, scarce conceive the use thereof allowable in physic, exceeding the barbarities of Cambyses,3 and turning old heroes unto unworthy potions. Shall Egypt lend out her ancients unto chirurgeons and apothecaries, and Cheops and Psammiticus be weighed unto us for drugs? Shall we eat of Chamnes and Amosis in electuaries and pills, and be cured by cannibal mixtures? Surely such diet is dismal vampirism; and exceeds in horror the black banquet of Domitian, not to be paralleled except in those Arabian feasts, wherein Ghoules feed horribly.

But the common opinion of the virtues of mummy bred great consumption thereof, and princes and great men contended for this strange panacea, wherein Jews dealt largely, manufacturing mummies from dead carcasses, and giving them the names of kings, while specifics were compounded from crosses and gibbet leavings. There wanted not a set of Artificers who counterfeited mummies so accurately, that it needed great skill to distinguish the false from the true. Queasy stomachs would hardly fancy the doubtful position, wherein one might so easily swallow a cloud for his Juno, and defraud fowls of the air while in conceit enjoying the conserves of Canopus.

Radzivil hath a strange story of some mummies which he had stowed in seven chests, and was carrying on ship board from Egypt, when a priest on the mission, while at his prayers, was tormented by two ethnic spectres or devils, a man and a woman, both black and horrible; and at the same time a great Storm arose at Sea, which threatened shipwreck, till at last they were enforced to pacify the enraged sea, and put those demons to flight by throwing their mummy freight overboard, and so with difficulty escaped. What credit the relation of the worthy person deserves, we leave unto others. Surely if true, these demons were Satan's emissaries, appearing in forms answerable unto Horus and Mompta, the old deities of Egypt, to delude unhappy men. For those dark caves and mummy repositories are Satan's abodes, wherein he speculates and rejoices on human vain-glory, and keeps those kings and conquerors, whom alive he bewitched, whole for that great day, when he will claim his own, and marshall the kings of Nilus and Thebes in sad procession unto the pit.

Death, that fatal necessity which so many would overlook, or blinkingly survey, the old Egyptians held continually before their eyes. Their embalmed ancestors they carried about at their banquets, holding them still a part of their families, and not thrusting them from their places at feasts. They wanted not likewise a sad preacher at their tables to admonish them daily of death, surely an unnecessary discourse while they banqueted in sepulchres. Whether this were not making too much of death, as tending to assuefaction, some reason there were to doubt, but certain it is that such practices would hardly be embraced by our modern gourmands who like not to look on faces of morta, or be elbowed by mummies.

- from "Fragment on Mummies", a forgery of Sir Thomas Browne written by James Crossley.

Smoke Break

2010-09-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

“Hi, Carter.”

“Hi, Louise.”

“I saw you Saturday afternoon. You and a woman were walking down Third. I saw you from across the street. I waved and waved at you, but you didn’t wave back.”

“Really. Were you, by any chance, wearing a hat? Because I suffer from an unfortunate condition known as ‘hat blindness,’ a quirk of the brain rendering me unable to recognize someone wearing a hat if I‘m used to seeing them without a hat.”

“I was wearing a hat, actually. My sombrero. I wear it sometimes on weekends, because it makes me feel festive.”

“So that was you! You can understand how, because of my condition, I perceived you as a stranger and a madwoman, and therefore sensibly ignored you. ”

“I saw you Saturday, too.”

“You did, Elmer?”

“Saturday night. You and group of people were coming out of a club on First. I said ‘Hello’, you walked right past.”

“Really. I don’t discuss it much, but I also suffer from an unfortunate condition known as ‘bald fag blindness,’ a quirk of the brain rendering me unable to recognize bald fags I’m acquainted with from work when I see them unexpectedly outside of work.”

“That explains it.”

“I also saw you Saturday,” said Edna. “In the morning. You were by yourself, on the shore at the lake. I fell out of my canoe. I frantically waved and yelled at you. But you didn‘t see me.”

“Actually, I distinctly recall waving back. You must not have noticed with all your splashing and screaming.”

All Over

2010-09-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

Interviewed last Sunday, retired General Colin Powell admitted illegal aliens are “all over” at his house, “doing things”. He also claimed “immigration is what's keeping this country's lifeblood moving forward”, but did not explain why the country’s lifeblood needs moving, or how it‘s moved. Does he think immigrants tow the country's lifeblood using taco trucks? He didn’t elaborate.

The establishment considers Powell one of “Washington's venerable ‘wise men,’” which tells you a lot about Washington and the establishment. Harboring illegals isn’t the only criminal activity Powell has been connected to since leaving the military: in 2008 he celebrated Nigerian cyber crime at a festival in London, prior to that he was Secretary of State.

I Produce an Object What People Make of It Is Not My Concern

2010-09-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hot Snakes

2010-09-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

A snake sabotaged electrical transmission lines in the Philippines, blacking out power to the entire province of Bohol. At this time the snake’s motives remain undetermined.

In California, a snake and his teenaged accomplice robbed a Walgreen’s in broad daylight; the pair then escaped on a “baby blue BMX bike”.

Alki Family Fun Day in West Seattle was almost spoiled after an 11-foot albino python attacked a fat woman. At this time who ended up eating whom remains undetermined.

In Melbourne, Australia, a 5-foot long python was spotted lurking outside of a McDonald’s. The python, named Boris, was quickly wrestled into submission by a pair of concerned citizens before he could attack any fat women, rob the McDonald's, or sabotage any power lines.

Whether or not we are on the verge of some sort of snake crisis remains undetermined.

We’re All Foreigners There

2010-09-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

I laughed when Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni announced his dream of going to the moon (“We must also go there and say: ‘What are you people doing up here?’”). At the time, I had no idea he owned a $48 million private plane, purchased using money given to him by the US and EU. Now he is using $22 million in foreign aid to buy seven supersonic fighter jets Ugandans can’t fly or maintain. Our generosity, then, may have caused Museveni to believe Western nations will someday buy him a rocket ship. I’m starting to believe it myself.

Of Barnacles, Which Grow from Fir Timber, and Their Nature

2010-09-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

There are likewise here many birds called barnacles, which nature produces in a wonderful manner out of her ordinary course. They resemble the marsh geese, but are smaller. Being at first gummy excrescences from pine beams floating on the waters, and then enclosed in shells to secure their free growth, they hang by their beaks like seaweeds attached to the timber. Being in process of time well covered with feathers, they either fall into the water or take their flight in the free air, their nourishment and growth being supplied, while they are bred in this very unaccountable and curious manner, from the juices of the wood in the sea-water. I have often seen with my own eyes more than a thousand minute embryos of birds of this species on the seashore, hanging from one piece of timber, covered with shells, and already formed. No eggs are laid by these birds after copulation, as is the case with birds in general; the hen never sits on eggs in order to hatch them; in no corner of the world are they seen either to pair, or build nests. Hence, in some parts of Ireland, bishops and men of religion make no scruple of eating these birds on fasting days, as not being flesh, because they are not born of flesh. But these men are curiously drawn into error. For, if any one had eaten part of the thigh of our first parent, which was really flesh, although not born of flesh, I should think him not guiltless of having eaten flesh. Repent, O unhappy Jew, recollect, though late, that man was first generated from clay without being procreated by male and female; nor will your veneration for the law allow you to deny that.

- Giraldus Cambrensis, The Topography of Ireland. 1187.

Plans Unveiled

2010-08-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Exciting developments on the urban planning front, happening in Sudan, of all places:

The authorities in southern Sudan have unveiled a $10bn (£6.4bn) plan to rebuild the region's cities in the shapes of animals and fruit.

Elaborate blueprints for the new cities have already been drawn up.

The regional capital, Juba, will be relocated and designed in the shape of a rhinoceros. Wau, the capital of Western Bahr el-Ghazal state, is to be a somewhat unwieldy giraffe…

In Juba, the office of the regional president is situated where the rhinoceros's eye should be.

In Wau, the sewage treatment plant is appropriately placed under the giraffe's tail.

There is talk that the town of Yambio will be shaped like a pineapple.

The creativity and ambitiousness of these designs could wake up our urban planners to possibilities besides light rail trains and sterile modernist blight. Imagine an American city in the shape of Mickey Mouse, or a hamburger. It’s about as likely as the Sudanese getting the $10 billion they need to actually build something.

Enter Certain Nymphs

2010-08-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

You sunburnt sicklemen, of August weary,
Come hither from the furrow and be merry:
Make holiday; your rye-straw hats put on
And these fresh nymphs encounter every one
In country footing.

- Shakespeare, The Tempest (4.1.134-38).

Brief Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen, Summer 2010

2010-08-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

Eat, Pray, Love

Watch, leave, vomit.

The Expendables

The Dependsables.

Dinner for Schmucks

The French film Le dîner de cons, adapted for American audiences (all the intelligence, subtlety, and wit was removed). Starring the painfully unfunny Steve Carell, widely considered one of the leading comedic actors of our time.

Lottery Ticket

On the eve of a holiday weekend a young negro (played rapper Bow Wow) learns he has a winning $370 million lottery ticket. For the next three days his neighbors and relatives in ‘da hood’ try to steal it from him while the audience yells things at the screen.

Lottery Ticket 2

Set six months after Lottery Ticket, a young negro (played by rapper Bow Wow) declares bankruptcy after having squanderd $370 million. The audience yells things at the screen, eventually his corpse is found in a dumpster.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

A hipster who looks like a homosexual fetus (Michael Cera) attempts to win the heart of a girl. Based on a comic book read by hipsters who look like homosexual fetuses.

Step Up 3D

“A tight-knit group of street dancers team up with Moose and find themselves pitted against the world's best hip-hop dancers in a high-stakes showdown that will change their lives forever.” Essentially the story of my life. I give Step Up 3D four boogaloo shrimps out of a possible five.

New Proton Radius

2010-08-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute think protons are much smaller than “previously thought”. One day over lunch, Professor Glen Morangie theorized crumbs are actually much larger than previously thought. “Those are croutons,” I told him.

Lurks and Larks

2010-08-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Deep in the Texas woods cryptozoologists searching for Sasquatch found something far worse: a sinister forest donkey, lurking suspiciously. Could the entire Bigfoot phenomenon be a hoax perpetrated by donkeys? The cryptozoological community should strongly consider it.

Meanwhile, in Lapland (when was the last time you heard that?), a Thai berry picker vanished after reporting by cell phone “Something weird is following me, it's like a dog or something.” Could the poor berry picker have been followed, then abducted, by a forest donkey? The local Poliisi should strongly consider it.

Box Office

2010-08-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

My Blogger Stats say the most popular ADC post of the summer is a picture of an orange telephone. The second most popular is the inscrutable Report of the Board of Consulting Engineers, Vol. 1.

Skubalophagia

2010-07-28T14:23:00.000-07:00

In a column about his epic journey from liberal Democrat to liberal Republican, pundit and milquetoast David Brooks reveals he enjoys eating garbage: "So I sit there in my green jacket, happily chewing on a Twizzler that I probably left in a pocket in 1979..."

Disgusting as Brooks habit is, I suspect most establishment pundits of the official press are secretly harboring far grosser vices.

Summer Whitby Report

2010-07-28T04:27:00.000-07:00

Photograph of anomalous big cat roaming field.

The Black Beast of the Bay (an anomalous big cat) was spotted prowling Whitby again this summer. The accursed town was also attacked by a raft of poisonous snakes, and at the moment the air in Whitby is obscured by massive swarms of insects. The bugs have “caused havoc”, are “known to spread diseases”, and are capable of “infesting the softest parts”. Ominously, “Experts predict the invasion will…soon attract…predators.”

Meanwhile, in Driffield, absolutely nothing continues to happen.

Secret of the Lamprey

2010-07-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

Scientists studying sea lampreys have unlocked the mystery of human stress hormones. Eons ago, when Man was still an Aquatic Ape, disgusting lampreys would cling all over him, drain his blood, then drag him neath the waves. Researchers now believe these attacks caused a lot of stress, so stress hormones were evolved as a countermeasure. While Man eventually gave up being aquatic, fears of being covered in lampreys and dragged neath the waves can still induce anxiety in some beachgoers. Fortunately, Modern Man is able to augment his stress hormones with relaxing cigarettes, though the bureaucrats hate to admit it.

Closed Until August

2010-07-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Dwarf Story Ever Told

2010-06-20T22:47:00.001-07:00

I receive a missive from my old friend Judge Florentino Floro Jr. Just the other day I was wondering whatever happened to him, he must have read my mind (the judge is known for that sort of thing). It turns out he’s been working on a book about his amazing life, the three Mystic Dwarves, crab mentality Pinoys, the nature of the universe, and more. He writes:

eElven Supremacy 2010: 27 years Dalliance; LUIS, Armand & Angel; the Violet Lights
The Greatest Story of Friendship Ever Told, eBook Part One

2 years and a quarter of a century ago, LUIS, Armand and Angel changed my life and wrote my destiny (at exactly 7 p.m., June 2, 1983, at the wake of my father, Florentino, Sr.).
Even if today’s scientists began to investigate aliens and the matter of how something can be made to travel faster than the speed of light, hoping that man can time travel, still, the Violet lights of LUIS remains a mystery and I predict that this pure light would be solely his and mine.

The entire universe perforce is summed up into pure light, when mass, energy and all things including discovered quantum would remain a thing of the past, for they miserably fail to be at eternity or state, where there is no more constriction of time and space.

In this 2010 eBook, I write for you and to the world, the greatest pre-destined story of friendship ever.

I am sharing with you and to the whole world, as I hereby publish online my 614 pages eSecond Book - "Philippine Mystic Dwarfs LUIS, Armand and Angel Meet Healing and Psychic Judge Florentino Floro" Part I, 2010 edition.

Download Judge Floro's 2nd Book, 2010 edition, Part I, 614 pages Word, Skydrive.

Download - Judge Floro's 2nd Book, 2010 edition, Part I, 614 pages, published PDF, Skydrive

Unlike my 404 pages First Book (2006), which I wrote in just 2 weeks, I spent 3 1/2 years writing this, and I have not yet physically published the same. Uncensored and exhaustive, I desire it to be a compendium of the deepest secrets of the universe (per the Violet lights emanating from LUIS' bonito or dwarf hat), and dire prophecies ... For these reasons, inter alia, I state with certainty that this book tells the Greatest Dwarf Story ever told, or rather, the best story of friendship, ever...

I don't doubt it in the least. I will be publishing a positive review of Philippine Mystic Dwarfs LUIS, Armand and Angel Meet Healing and Psychic Judge Florentino Floro sometime later this week.

Concrete Has Suddenly Become an Important Factor

2010-06-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a boy when I wanted to read the June, 1906 edition of Cement Age, the “monthly magazine devoted to the interests of cement”, I had to pedal my bicycle all the way to the university library. Today, thanks to the advance of technology, I can access issues of Cement Age, the “monthly magazine devoted to the interests of cement”, with the click of a button. But I never do, my interest in cement, concrete construction, and Cement Age having waned long ago, with the onset of pre-puberty. As is often the case the future was rendered obsolete before it arrived.

Some Day We Must Really Talk Things Over

2010-06-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

We have known thousands who as young men at the University were volcanoes of originality and poetry, and promised to remain so, and now are either servile or liberal philistines. We, on the contrary, are steadily becoming strangers to the world and its ways, and live a private life which (silently for the moment) runs clean contrary to present trends.
—Doesn’t it sometimes seem to you as though one fine day on a lonely path you would meet a dwarf who would open a secret door in the moss and stones of the forest and lead you into a new world? —Do drop your hostility to the Middle Ages! What weighs upon us, somewhat, are the apes of the Middle Ages, not the real, genuine age of Dante and his consorts, who were, au contraire, wonderful people. Classical antiquity, if it were imposed par ordre de Mufti, would not be much less irksome. I have in my hands the historical proofs of how wonderfully people enjoyed themselves in the Middle Ages, when life was more colorful and rich than can possibly be imagined. But that is by the way. Only don’t let yourself be imposed upon by the Liberals in historical matters; at bottom they are still only jabbering away in the wake of the Encyclopaedists. ‘But look ye, I am going to tell you something, the culture we have now, etc.’ - is not worth a fig, and the only result is that everyone is made on one last. It is a long story, Hermann, the spread of culture and the decrease of originality and individuality, of will and capacity; and the world will suffocate and decay one day in the very dung of its own philistinism. I’ve said it!

- Jacob Burckhardt, letter to H. Schauenberg. 22 March 1847. (The Letters of Jacob Burckhardt, translated by Alexander Dru, p. 105.)

The Moon Creeps Up to the Bubbling of Bassoons

2010-06-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

In 1658 the eminently learned Sir Kenelme Digby performed an experiment using a “well-polished silver bason” proving the “rayes of the moon are cold and moist.” Why lunar rayes are cold is obvious, but the source of their moistness has long been a puzzle (Sir Kenelme attributed the dampness to the sun, mistakenly believing the sun to be a “humid star”). But last week scientists at the Carnegie Institution's Geophysical Laboratory finally found the answer. Moonbeams are moist because the Moon has lots of water in it, at least a “100 times more” than “previous estimates”.

RELATED: Digby's extrordinary street fight.

Economic Strategies (Charlatanism)

2010-06-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

Transmit brain waves over long distances.

Mind Over Matters

2010-06-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

Pondering recent events in the Middle East I realized it would ease tensions if news reports referred to Israel’s raid on the aid flotilla as Israel’s raid on the AIDS tortilla. It then occurred to me redefining oil as “nature’s gravy” makes the oil leak crisis go away. A story headlined "Massive Flow of Nature’s Gravy Means Early Thanksgiving for Gulf Coast Shorebirds" would be heartwarming. Economic conditions seem less grim if one pictures the economy as a donkey who tries to rape children.

These Donkeys Are No Gentle Doves

2010-06-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

From Gaza another report of a Mussulman donkey turning suicide bomber. Given my animal bombs expertise and my low opinion of donkeys* it’s a disgrace the government hasn’t sought my advice on this growing threat.

Donkeys who aren’t religious fanatics are still nasty creatures. After a Colombian donkey’s attempts to seduce two children failed, he viciously attacked them, sending both to the hospital. An acquaintance of the donkey said: "This donkey is no gentle dove...One may look at him with his ears down and his eyes half-closed and think he would not kill a fly, but when he is horny, dear mother, you have to be very careful."

*Oddly, I once urged everyone to buy a donkey.

Spring Things

2010-05-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

In the spring a livelier iris gleams upon the burnished dove, and in Ochopee, Florida a young Bigfoot’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Dave Shealy, Bigfootologist and RV park owner, explains:

There are seven to nine Skunk Apes [Bigfoot’s “smaller, smellier cousin”] currently living in the Everglades and right now is the best time to spot one because it’s their mating season.

Lately, he’s heard lots of campers report strange sounds coming from the swamps…it’s the Skunk Ape’s mating call, which sounds like a low-pitched dove cooing.

Though Skunk Apes are generally shy, Shealy says women on their periods should be careful when hiking the area because the cryptoids are attracted to the scent of menstruation.

They’re also aroused by used lingerie, so female campers shouldn’t hang their panties out to dry because, in his words, “That’s like raising a flag and inviting them in.”

Finding an Entrance Where They Can

2010-05-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

29 April, 3:00 AM. I’m waiting in a vacant lot, about 20 clicks from the US/Canada border. A figure approaches.

“Did you hear about the Sichuan chef?” He asks.

You mean the Chinaman who got drunk, passed out, had an eel inserted into his anus by his so-called friends, then died because the slimy fish “ate his bowels”? What of it? In a nation of a billion people with easy access to eels that sort of thing is bound to happen.

“Take a closer look,” he says, then ambles off into the night.

1 May, 11:30 AM. At the Fashion Rock Café in Beijing I’m meeting with Miss Fong, Miss Feng, and Miss Fung, members of the ADC Irregulars, China branch.

“We have source at highest levels of government,” says Miss Fong.
“Chinese scientists genetical engineer eels into weapon,” says Miss Feng.

“Released into sewer eels programmed to swim up plumbing to toilet,” says Fung.

“From toilet eels enter anus holes of enemy peoples. Then eat bowels in gruesome manner,” says Fong.

“Lab accident result in some eels escape,” says Feng.

“Sichuan chef killed by one of the escaped eel. Prank story disinformation put out by authorities,” says Fung.

“To prevent panic,” says Fong.

“Now you must leave you in grave danger,” says Feng.

“Actually Fung say that,” says Fong.

2 May, 10:00 PM. I’m sitting in a diner in Vermillion, South Dakota. A waitress refills my coffee and asks, “What does this have to do with anything?”

No idea, baby. No idea.

RELATED: Eels.

SEE ALSO: Eels?

Recent discoveries

2010-04-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Varanus bitatawa

Giant lizards were discovered living in the "heavily populated and highly deforested" Philippines island of Luzon. The shy reptiles, a new species, are vegetarians and didongular. Scientists say the six and a half foot long lizards escaped detection by spending “all their time high up in trees”. Obviously scientists are so lazy hiding from them is easy, something to remember the next time a scientist denies the existence of the Sandsend Blob.

I recently discovered one of my entries quoted in a book.

When Rambling

2010-04-07T04:32:00.000-07:00

Technology having made it unnecessary no one stops me on the street to ask for directions anymore, except that madwoman seeking the secret entrance to Agartha.

Happening in the City Right Now

2010-04-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

People buying shiny iPads, putting them in leather cases, downloading the New Yorker, blissful looks upon their faces, rubbing iPads on their nipples, overcome with jubilation. Just announced, read Spider-Man! It all exceeds imagination.

The Magnalities of Nature

2010-03-31T04:28:00.000-07:00

Man’s moral decadence is often spoken of, while Nature’s degeneracy gets a free pass. Consider the Nepenthes rajah. This disgusting vegetable has assumed the shape of a toilet to get unwitting shrews to crap into its “huge orifice”. At the moment this leafy coprophile can only be found in the wilds of Borneo, which is some consolation.

An N. rajah plant, left, and a toilet.

Variety of Factors

2010-03-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt then but Centaurs as well as other Monsters, are produced, partly by the influence of the stars, and partly by other causes, as the ill disposition of the matrix, the bad temperature of the seed, the perverse inclination of the woman, the commixtion of seeds of divers kinds, sudden fear, bad diet, unwholsome air, and untimely Venus.

- Alexander Ross, Arcana Microcosmi.

Elsewhere

2010-03-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'm posting political nonsense at The Paste-Board Cliffs.

Low jests for low times

2010-03-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Informed the Government has taken over health care I decide to send a stool sample to my congressman. Absent violent upheaval expect more of this sort of thing.

There's poetry for you

2010-03-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

Respublica, by Geoffrey Hill

The strident high
civic trumpeting
of misrule. It is
what we stand for.

Wild insolence,
aggregates without
distinction. Courage
of common men:

spent in the ruck
their remnant witness
after centuries
is granted them

like a pardon.
And other fealties
other fortitudes
broken as named—

Respublica
brokenly recalled,
its archaic laws
and hymnody;

and destroyed hope
that so many times
is brought with triumph
back from the dead.

Some Lines from March 17

2010-03-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

If a certain number of centuries ago, the exact number of which is unimportant for present purposes, Patrick hadn’t banged a drum to drive the slithering serpents from Eire, today we would not find ourselves behind this faux-Irish pub, under this hospitality tent, sipping beer from plastic cups. There's history for you.

Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, over there’s a young lady with a nose ring who I sense wishes to hear me hold forth on the subject of leprechauns.

Pulp

2010-03-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

"The pain's nothing; pain many times is taken away with the apprehension of greater, as the toothache with the sight of a barber that comes to pull it out: there's philosophy for you." - John Webster, The Duchess of Malfi. Act. V, Scene V.

Economic Strategies (Paradigm Shifts)

2010-03-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Franchise this.

Economic Strategies (Sales)

2010-03-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

Sell monkeys door-to-door.

Economic Strategies (Entertainment)

2010-03-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

Move to Kazakhstan, open hip-hop consulting firm, provide advice on beats, rapping, bling, street cred, posse structuring, etc.

Economic Strategies (Big Scores)

2010-03-08T19:17:00.000-08:00

Knockover poker tournaments.

The Paradox of Progress

2010-03-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

The Chinamen are using robots instead of costumed mascots:

Thirty seven multi-functional robots, which were customized to serve the visitors of Shanghai World Expo, made their debut here Sunday.

Besides dancing and singing, the 1.55-meter tall robots, shaped after the Expo mascot Haibao, could "communicate" with visitors in six languages and take photos for them...

The robots have touch screens on their chests to answer inquiries on road, public service and Expo information...

Shanghai World Expo mascot Haibao. Haibao is an ancient Chinese mascot. Gumby is a shameless rip-off of Haibao, not the other way around. Your never having heard of Haibao until today shows your ignorance.

The deployment of robots will protect those, like Lord Tebbit and myself, who engage in pre-emptive self defense against costumed mascots from the embarrassment of inadvertently attacking a disguised woman or child. Unfortunately removing the human within also drains nearly all of the fun from the duello.

Two Epigrams by Thomas Bastard

2010-02-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

In Habentem Longum Barbam

Thy beard is long: better it would thee fit,
To have a shorter beard, and longer wit.

On his Three Marriages

Though marriage by some folks be reckoned a curse,
Three wives did I marry, for better or worse;
The first for her person, the next for her purse,
And the third for a warming-pan, doctor, and nurse.

Your Kung-Fu is no Good Here

2010-02-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

Lord Tebbit battles Chinese dragon!

The 78-year-old was so upset by the noise caused by a Chinese New Year celebration near his home that he ran 100 yards down the street, grabbed a drum that someone was banging, and planted a kick on the backside of a dancing dragon - without realising a boy was inside."

Restaurant owner Patrick Chung, who organised the street celebration in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, said: 'A drum was being beaten outside my restaurant as part of Chinese New Year but Lord Tebbit arrived and stopped the drummer.
'He probably did not realise what was going on. He did kick the dragon.

'There was a child inside the costume and he was kicking the dragon's bottom. He ran after the dragon and kicked it. The child was upset. He did not know what was happening.'

Another witness said: 'This old man came running towards the dragon on the parade.

'He grabbed the drum and cymbal being played and then started violently kicking the dragon itself.

I once punched someone in a bear costume in the oversized, spongy head. Shortly after it dawned on me if the suit contained a woman, I would be in a spot of trouble. Luckily, the wearer was that fellow from my high school with no eyebrows, the one I nicknamed ‘the pre-registered sex offender’.

Moral of story: Know who is inside before striking, or disaster might result!

A better future

2010-02-21T20:59:00.000-08:00

Instead of creating a new ugly building, acclaimed architect Daniel Libeskind ’s latest project is the vandalization of an old building normal human beings enjoy looking at.

The “improved” Dresden military museum.

Presented as a war memorial, the result is merely a monument to the talentlessness, vulgarity and egomania its designer. Libeskind says “You can't do architecture if you don't believe in a better future.” In a better future his buildings would be razed to the ground.

Keep them away from the controls

2010-02-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

President Obama intends to put Mussulmen into space. Good news! I thought, until I realized he didn’t mean all of them. Instead the plan is to use the space program for "outreach" to "to non-traditional partners". For we live in a time of Progress, and Progress requires NASA abandon its mission of boldly going where no man has gone before to serve, instead, as an orbital ‘Make-A-Wish Foundation’ for backwards countries.

This ridiculousness can‘t be prevented, so we should make the best of it and urge the President to also send a Zambian Afronaut or two.

The Cameleopard

2010-02-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

There are two other animals, which have some resemblance to the camel. One of these is called, by the Ethiopians, the nabun. It has a neck like that of the horse, feet and legs like those of the ox, a head like that of the camel, and is covered with white spots upon a red ground ; from which peculiarities it has been called the cameleopard. It was first seen at Borne in the Circensian games held by Caesar, the Dictator. Since that time too, it has been occasionally seen. It is more remarkable for the singularity of its appearance than for its fierceness; for which reason it has obtained the name of the wild sheep.

- The Natural History of Pliny.

Blast of January

2010-01-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

Bleak January of tragedy coming on the heels of tragedy. A a sheep gave birth to a human-faced lamb, then an earthquake shook Haiti, followed by the death of Donald Goerke, inventor of SpaghettiOs®. (That all those years it never occurred to Italians to combine ring shaped pasta with sauce in a can shows how lazy they are.)

With the world reeling tomorrow brings another disaster and with it more suffering: the release of Jackie Chan’s new movie The Spy Next Door.

Gruel and Unusual Punishment

2009-12-27T10:54:00.000-08:00

Modern persons are so accustomed to criminals being mollycoddled they believe responding feebly to crime is natural. The etching below is a reminder that, in days of yore, the application of justice was swift and terrible.

In the upper left (D), a trio of thieves are thrown down a well for stealing rutabagas.

On the right a pundit is punished for repeatedly expressing erroneous opinions, abusing logic, and proud ignorance of obvious facts. His face has been removed, and while he waits his turn at the well he must endure being sneered at by a man (A) dressed in an obnoxious hat and ridiculous pantaloons.

For impudently displaying an erection in the presence of noblewoman a horse (C) is forced to eat stale gruel from the hollowed out corpse of a duplicitous used oxcart salesman.

And that’s how it was, in days of yore.

Jane and Jim have a holiday party

2009-12-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

"Jane. Great to see you."

"Hi Carter. Glad you could make it. Carter, I’m a little concerned about your friend. I think I saw him putting food in his pockets."

"He’s certainly on the spindly side, isn‘t he? Though I wouldn't call him a friend. On my way here I realized I was ahead of schedule. Not wanting to be early I stopped off at a local watering hole, he was at the bar, we started chatting. He flew into town yesterday, his friends and relatives are all down south so he‘s alone, he knows a lot about fish. Possessed by the Christmas spirit I told him about your shindig."

"So you don’t even know him?"

"How much does anyone really know anyone?"

"He’s making people uncomfortable."

"Is he? I guess you’re right. Look at him. He radiates awkwardness, an awkwardness which makes those around him awkward. It’s fascinating for students of human nature like ourselves to watch. By the way, is there some, not that this beer isn’t delightful, but is there any non-domestic around? I suppose I could make a cocktail, but these days I try to lay off the harder stuff in the early innings, for reasons of public safety."

"I’m trying to remember why I invited you."

"To be honest it took me by surprise, but what‘s important is that you did, and that it‘s Christmas. Oh look, there’s Jim. I had better go talk to him."

"Jimmy. Happy Hanukah."

"Oh, hi Carter. I’m not…Jane never mentioned inviting you."

"She‘s been so busy, probably. I think I’m going to mix us some drinks. Vodka…vodka…gin…have you got some brown liquor stashed away? Not that I won‘t thoroughly enjoy this martini, but something from the scotch group, or perhaps the bourbon family, would be more congruent with the seasonal festivities."

"Who’s that guy you brought?"

"Him? I didn’t, we arrived at the same time. Strange bird, isn’t he? You know what? I think Jane dated him during her 'artsy' phase. Those were wild times. Before you knew her, of course. Oh look, there’s Jane’s younger sister. I had better go talk to her. Signal when you locate some scotch."

Salad Days

2009-12-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

Schimpanse Hamiss. WALTHER DOBBERTIN.

Peculiar apparitions to the soul

2009-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

In a case eerily similar to the murder of Aisia A. Johnson, three gunmen broke into an apartment near Indian School Road and 67th Avenue and began shooting, killing one of the occupants and wounding another. Two of the shooters then fled in a white van.

A white van was seen lurking near an athletic equipment shed in Lynchburg, then it was gone. 15 minutes later the athletic equipment shed burst into flames.

In Kissimmee motorists observed a white van intentionally hit a motorcycle, causing it to crash. The motorcyclist died at the scene. The homicidal white van remains at large.

A white van driven by a man named Jesus led police on a wild chase through Bloomfield Township, “smashing into several cars and construction barrels”. After crashing into an SUV on Big Beaver road, Jesus leapt from the wreckage and began throwing punches at police, who responded with Tasers. Following the zapping, Jesus became unresponsive, was taken to a hospital, and pronounced dead.

In Port St. Lucie two boys reported seeing a girl abducted into white van. Investigators soon realized the girl and the white van were figments of the boys imaginations. Tom Nichols, of the Port St. Lucie Police Department, said police took the boy’s report seriously because white vans are so often involved in terrible crimes. "If something involves suspicious activity with a white van and we feel the urge that we need to stop white vans, then by all means we're going to stop white vans," said Nichols.

A missing man was found dead in his van, in Whitby. What color was the van?

Light reading

2009-11-29T18:38:00.000-08:00

Old issues of The Crisis (“a journal of civil rights, history, politics, and culture that “seeks to educate and challenge its readers about issues that continue to plague African Americans and other communities of color”) are now online, so I no longer have to go the library to read them. In an issue from 1995 I found an amusing interview with Barack Obama. In it he explains “it’s liberating to be in a country where black people are in the overwhelming majority”; says “integration is not a victory on our part”; and complains about his grandmother’s rational fear of “strange black men”.

Two of the greatest publications in American history, the Weekly World News and LIFE Magazine, are also available. Both teem with incredible stories.

The home of the fragrant motor-omnibus and the night-blooming Hooligan

2009-11-15T20:21:00.001-08:00

"In 1924 Claude Friese-Greene (cinematographer and son of moving-image pioneer William) embarked on an intrepid road trip from Land's End to John O'Groats. He recorded his journey on film, using an experimental colour process. Entitled The Open Road, this remarkable travelogue was conceived as a series of 26 short episodes, to be shown weekly at the cinema."

Science & arts

2009-11-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

Scientists have discovered a way to increase muscle mass and strength in monkeys. “Remember when you made fun of us in high school?” said one researcher, “Well who’s laughing now?”

Dr. J. Allan Hobson, A sleep researcher at at Harvard, thinks “Dreaming is a parallel state of consciousness that is continually running but normally suppressed during waking.”

What if, at certain times, the suppression is disrupted? The parallel dream state leaking into waking consciousness might be behind many accounts of Yetis, UFO’s, aliens, bull-beggars, spirits, elves, hags, fairies, satyrs, pans, faunes, sylens, tritons, centaurs, dwarfs, nymphes, Incubus, Robin good fellow, the spoom, the man in the oke, the fire-drake, the puckle, Tom Thombe, Tom tumbler boneless, and other nonsense. One thing it does not explain is the Sandsend Blob, because it was seen by a person and a dog.

STANISLAV SZUKALSKI. Deluge.

“Among [Szukalski’s] most strongly held (and extensively documented) theories was the notion that a race of malevolent Yeti have been interbreeding with humans since time out of mind, and that the hybrid offspring are bringing about the end of civilization. As proof of this he pointed to the Russians.”

“Ships cannot be made subjects of sculpture.” - John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice.

Carlyle on capital punishment

2009-11-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

And so you take criminal caitiffs, murderers, and the like, and hang them on gibbets 'for an example to deter others.' Whereupon arise friends of humanity, and object. With very great reason, as I consider, if your hypothesis be correct. What right have you to hang any poor creature 'for an example'? He can turn round upon you and say, "Why make 'an example' of me, a merely ill-situated, pitiable man? Have you no more respect for misfortune? Misfortune, I have been told, is sacred. And yet you hang me, now I am fallen into your hands; choke the life out of me, for an example! Again I ask, Why make an example of me, for your own convenience alone?"—All 'revenge' being out of the question, it seems to me the caitiff is unanswerable; and he and the philanthropic platforms have the logic all on their side.

The one answer to him is: "Caitiff, we hate thee; and discern for some six thousand years now, that we are called upon by the whole Universe to do it. Not with a diabolic but with a divine hatred. God himself, we have always understood, 'hates sin,' with a most authentic, celestial, and eternal hatred. A hatred, a hostility inexorable, unappeasable, which blasts the scoundrel, and all scoundrels ultimately, into black annihilation and disappearance from the sum of things. The path of it as the path of a flaming sword: he that has eyes may see it, walking inexorable, divinely beautiful and divinely terrible, through the chaotic gulf of Human History, and everywhere burning, as with unquenchable fire, the false and death-worthy from the true and lifeworthy; making all Human History, and the Biography of every man, a God's Cosmos in place of a Devil's Chaos. So is it, in the end; even so, to every man who is a man, and not a mutinous beast, and has eyes to see. To thee, caitiff, these things were and are, quite incredible; to us they are too awfully certain,—the Eternal Law of this Universe, whether thou and others will believe it or disbelieve. We, not to be partakers in thy destructive adventure of defying God and all the Universe, dare not allow thee to continue longer among us. As a palpable deserter from the ranks where all men, at their eternal peril, are bound to be: palpable deserter, taken with the red hand fighting thus against the whole Universe and its Laws, we—send thee back into the whole Universe, solemnly expel thee from our community; and will, in the name of God, not with joy and exultation, but with sorrow stern as thy own, hang thee on Wednesday next, and so end."

[...]

'Revenge,' my friends! revenge, and the natural hatred of scoundrels, and the ineradicable tendency to revancher oneself upon them, and pay them what they have merited: this is forevermore intrinsically a correct, and even a divine feeling in the mind of every man. Only the excess of it is diabolic; the essence I say is manlike, and even godlike,—a monition sent to poor man by the Maker himself. Thou, poor reader, in spite of all this melancholy twaddle, and blotting-out of Heaven's sunlight by mountains of horsehair and ofticiality, hast still a human heart. If, in returning to thy poor peaceable dwelling-place, after an honest hard day's work, thou wert to find, for example, a brutal scoundrel who for lucre or other object of his, had slaughtered the life that was dearest to thee; thy true wife, for example, thy true old mother, swimming in her blood ; the human scoundrel, or two-legged wolf, standing over such a tragedy: I hope a man would have so much divine rage in his heart as to snatch the nearest weapon, and put a conclusion upon said human wolf, for one! A palpable messenger of Satan, that one; accredited by all the Devils, to be put an end to by all the children of God. The soul of every god-created man flames wholly into one divine blaze of sacred wrath at sight of such a Devil's messenger; authentic first-hand monition from the Eternal Maker himself as to what is next to be done. Do it, or be thyself an ally of Devil's-messengers; a sheep for two-legged human wolves, well deserving to be eaten, as thou soon wilt be!

- Thomas Carlyle, Latter-Day Pamphlets.

Bears with glasses

2009-11-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

In our artificial age most of us view bears as heroes and entertainers. We forget bears are capable of crimes more heinous than stealing picnic baskets.

Take the bear in Florissant, Colorado, captured breaking into a car. His motive was probably theft; the possibility he wanted to steal the car and use it run over an ursine ice skating instructor can not be ruled out.

More disturbing is the case of Juan the Andean spectacled bear, resident of a nice zoo in Germany. After crossing a moat using a log for a raft, Juan climbed a wall and "went straight for [a] playground" full of children. Cut off by zookeepers, he attempted to flee on a stolen bicycle.

What Juan planned next I hate to even think about.

Death comes for the Qaiser

2009-11-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

We’ve grown so accustomed to bears being fat, furry entertainers who amuse us by ice skating, juggling, wrestling, and "inexplicably" murdering people, that it’s easy to forget bears can also be heroes. Heroes waging one-bear wars against terrorists:

A wild bear mauled to death two militants of the Hizbul Mujahideen outfit in a south Kashmir forest on Monday, officials said.

A spokesman of the army said a wild bear entered the forest hideout of the separatist guerrillas and killed two of them in Kulgam district.

"The bear entered the hideout of the terrorists in Dand Nar forest area in Kulgam district today and killed two Hizbul Mujahideen terrorists identified as Saifullah and Qaiser," the spokesman said.

The spokesman said Saifullah was the district commander of the Hizbul Mujahideen for Pir Panchal area while Qaiser was a tehsil (sub-district) commander of the outfit.

Surprisingly, the tangly jungle of the Kashmiri mountains is safer than most large American cities:

It is the first time in the over two decade-long separatist violence in Kashmir that a wild animal has killed separatist guerrillas who often use the densely forested mountains here to build safe havens.

Sounds like another nice area to relocate some of our oldies to.

Ofellas assas giganticus

2009-11-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

Since my remarks about pumpkins many have written to ask if it’s “o.k.” to gently rub a young lady’s terres inconnues with a giant meatball. The answer is no, gently rubbing a young lady’s terres inconnues with a giant meatball is morally depraved and unhygienic. That you contemplate such perversion is cause for concern.