14 April 2015

April News Orts


Who was it who said the definition of serendipity is shooting an armadillo and having the bullet ricochet and hit your mother-in-law? Because that happened in Georgia.

It’s been almost a year and the grills are still missing. #BringBackOurGrills.

A half-human, half-chimp humanzee was created in a Nigerian laboratory, reports Humphrey Nakonde. The creature talks and, sadly, has already contracted AIDS.

There are so many wonderful things being invented in Siberia right now, from the practical (a car that runs on pine cones, moose turds and old socks) to the visionary (a kindergarten shaped like a giant cheese that will inspire children to be cheesemakers when they grow up (there may be something to this - I went to a kindergarten shaped like a giant blog)).

07 March 2015

Progress in the UK


The UK Green party wants to give rodents human rights. If the Greenies’ plan is enacted, then cats who kill mice would be charged with murder, creating a market for feline-defense lawyers, which would benefit the economy (if one believes the logic of  Prof. Paul Kroogman et al.). Surely at some point Glasgow U. would rename a building after Ratty the Water Rat. I imagine many other ridiculous things happening as well, they always do.

02 March 2015

Progress in Scotland

Campus buildings named after Adam Smith, James Watt, and various other inconsequential “dead white men” will be renamed after women and blacks, Glasgow University has announced. I don’t know who they will honor, but one deserving black did occur to me: Cotton Watts, a comedic genius some believe is one of James Watt’s distant descendants.


This revisionism is supported by Nicola Sturgeon, a Glasgow U. graduate and current leader of the Scottish National [sic] Party. According to her, the initiative is “hugely important…Women have done great things and fantastic things, but you struggle to find the evidence of that.”

Finding that evidence is a struggle. It’s almost as if it doesn't exist.

17 February 2015

Gimme' That Expensive Spread


Sad news from Roseville, CA, where Sammy’s Rockin’ Island Bar and Grill will close after a mere five months of business. The grill, owned by Sammy ‘The Red Rocker’ Hagar, was a “major part of Roseville’s Downtown Specific Plan”. After the restaurant closes it’s believed Hagar will redirect his focus to making terrible music, while the town of Roseville promises this one setback will not deter it from centering future downtown revitalization plans around projects owned by butt rockers.

10 February 2015

Recent Journalistic Inanity: A Miscellany

“But it was Lindsey Graham who put in the most impressive performance of the conference…Mr. Graham tells me that he is seriously considering a run for the presidency. Why not? The worst that could happen is to expose GOP primary voters to the views of a foreign-policy heavyweight in an era of encroaching global disorder.” - Brett Stephens, The Wall Street Journal.

“Given the obvious motivation for this bit of corporate cooperation—big-budget superhero franchises are all-but-guaranteed moneymakers and studios want to cash in—it would be heartening to see Sony and Marvel take a meaningful risk. Namely, the studios could take advantage of the relative safety that comes with doing a superhero reboot and finally bring a non-white Spider-Man to the big screen…From a PR standpoint, the move could be a huge win for everyone involved if played the right way. More specifically, this is an immense opportunity for Marvel to address growing complaints about diversity and hit the home run Sony missed out on…” - David Sims, The Atlantic.

“I’ve long believed that Matthew Yglesias hit on something really important…” - Paul Krugman, The New York Times.

“Iggy is more talented and more deeply schooled in hip-hop than Vanilla Ice ever was…Iggy has bumbled into some troubling, distinctly American issues. It’s tough watching someone wear your race like a costume and get rewarded for it, especially when there is so much peril in being the genuine article…In Iggy, we see the ultimate in co-opting culture and race, at a time where events in Ferguson, New York, and Cleveland have made us hyper-aware…” - Kashann Kilson, The New Republic.

“Whether or not Olympic legend Bruce Jenner becomes its new champion, the transgender-rights movement is making strides on many fronts…” - David Crary and Lisa Leff, Associated Press.