03 May 2015

Slow Burn


A pair of tortoises set fire to a home in Fordingbridge, the Salisbury Journal reports. Remember how we all laughed at the Ugandan policeman who shot and killed a fleeing tortoise, after it aggressively and violently chased him? Maybe we owe him an apology.

14 April 2015

April News Orts


Who was it who said the definition of serendipity is shooting an armadillo and having the bullet ricochet and hit your mother-in-law? Because that happened in Georgia.

It’s been almost a year and the grills are still missing. #BringBackOurGrills.

A half-human, half-chimp humanzee was created in a Nigerian laboratory, reports Humphrey Nakonde. The creature talks and, sadly, has already contracted AIDS.

There are so many wonderful things being invented in Siberia right now, from the practical (a car that runs on pine cones, moose turds and old socks) to the visionary (a kindergarten shaped like a giant cheese that will inspire children to be cheesemakers when they grow up (there may be something to this - I went to a kindergarten shaped like a giant blog)).

07 March 2015

Progress in the UK


The UK Green party wants to give rodents human rights. If the Greenies’ plan is enacted, then cats who kill mice would be charged with murder, creating a market for feline-defense lawyers, which would benefit the economy (if one believes the logic of  Prof. Paul Kroogman et al.). Surely at some point Glasgow U. would rename a building after Ratty the Water Rat. I imagine many other ridiculous things happening as well, they always do.

02 March 2015

Progress in Scotland

Campus buildings named after Adam Smith, James Watt, and various other inconsequential “dead white men” will be renamed after women and blacks, Glasgow University has announced. I don’t know who they will honor, but one deserving black did occur to me: Cotton Watts, a comedic genius some believe is one of James Watt’s distant descendants.


This revisionism is supported by Nicola Sturgeon, a Glasgow U. graduate and current leader of the Scottish National [sic] Party. According to her, the initiative is “hugely important…Women have done great things and fantastic things, but you struggle to find the evidence of that.”

Finding that evidence is a struggle. It’s almost as if it doesn't exist.

17 February 2015

Gimme' That Expensive Spread


Sad news from Roseville, CA, where Sammy’s Rockin’ Island Bar and Grill will close after a mere five months of business. The grill, owned by Sammy ‘The Red Rocker’ Hagar, was a “major part of Roseville’s Downtown Specific Plan”. After the restaurant closes it’s believed Hagar will redirect his focus to making terrible music, while the town of Roseville promises this one setback will not deter it from centering future downtown revitalization plans around projects owned by butt rockers.