Bleak January of tragedy coming on the heels of tragedy. A a sheep gave birth to a human-faced lamb, then an earthquake shook Haiti, followed by the death of Donald Goerke, inventor of SpaghettiOs®. (That all those years it never occurred to Italians to combine ring shaped pasta with sauce in a can shows how lazy they are.)
With the world reeling tomorrow brings another disaster and with it more suffering: the release of Jackie Chan’s new movie The Spy Next Door.
14 January 2010
27 December 2009
Gruel and Unusual Punishment
Modern persons are so accustomed to criminals being mollycoddled they believe responding feebly to crime is natural. The etching below is a reminder that, in days of yore, the application of justice was swift and terrible.
In the upper left (D), a trio of thieves are thrown down a well for stealing rutabagas.
On the right a pundit is punished for repeatedly expressing erroneous opinions, abusing logic, and proud ignorance of obvious facts. His face has been removed, and while he waits his turn at the well he must endure being sneered at by a man (A) dressed in an obnoxious hat and ridiculous pantaloons.
For impudently displaying an erection in the presence of noblewoman a horse (C) is forced to eat stale gruel from the hollowed out corpse of a duplicitous used oxcart salesman.
And that’s how it was, in days of yore.
In the upper left (D), a trio of thieves are thrown down a well for stealing rutabagas.
On the right a pundit is punished for repeatedly expressing erroneous opinions, abusing logic, and proud ignorance of obvious facts. His face has been removed, and while he waits his turn at the well he must endure being sneered at by a man (A) dressed in an obnoxious hat and ridiculous pantaloons.
For impudently displaying an erection in the presence of noblewoman a horse (C) is forced to eat stale gruel from the hollowed out corpse of a duplicitous used oxcart salesman.
And that’s how it was, in days of yore.
20 December 2009
Jane and Jim have a holiday party
"He’s certainly on the spindly side, isn‘t he? Though I wouldn't call him a friend. On my way here I realized I was ahead of schedule. Not wanting to be early I stopped off at a local watering hole, he was at the bar, we started chatting. He flew into town yesterday, his friends and relatives are all down south so he‘s alone, he knows a lot about fish. Possessed by the Christmas spirit I told him about your shindig."
"So you don’t even know him?"
"How much does anyone really know anyone?"
"He’s making people uncomfortable."
"Is he? I guess you’re right. Look at him. He radiates awkwardness, an awkwardness which makes those around him awkward. It’s fascinating for students of human nature like ourselves to watch. By the way, is there some, not that this beer isn’t delightful, but is there any non-domestic around? I suppose I could make a cocktail, but these days I try to lay off the harder stuff in the early innings, for reasons of public safety."
"I’m trying to remember why I invited you."
"To be honest it took me by surprise, but what‘s important is that you did, and that it‘s Christmas. Oh look, there’s Jim. I had better go talk to him."
"Jimmy. Happy Hanukah."
"She‘s been so busy, probably. I think I’m going to mix us some drinks. Vodka…vodka…gin…have you got some brown liquor stashed away? Not that I won‘t thoroughly enjoy this martini, but something from the scotch group, or perhaps the bourbon family, would be more congruent with the seasonal festivities."
"Who’s that guy you brought?"
"Him? I didn’t, we arrived at the same time. Strange bird, isn’t he? You know what? I think Jane dated him during her 'artsy' phase. Those were wild times. Before you knew her, of course. Oh look, there’s Jane’s younger sister. I had better go talk to her. Signal when you locate some scotch."
01 December 2009
29 November 2009
Peculiar apparitions to the soul
In a case eerily similar to the murder of Aisia A. Johnson, three gunmen broke into an apartment near Indian School Road and 67th Avenue and began shooting, killing one of the occupants and wounding another. Two of the shooters then fled in a white van.
A white van was seen lurking near an athletic equipment shed in Lynchburg, then it was gone. 15 minutes later the athletic equipment shed burst into flames.
In Kissimmee motorists observed a white van intentionally hit a motorcycle, causing it to crash. The motorcyclist died at the scene. The homicidal white van remains at large.
A white van driven by a man named Jesus led police on a wild chase through Bloomfield Township, “smashing into several cars and construction barrels”. After crashing into an SUV on Big Beaver road, Jesus leapt from the wreckage and began throwing punches at police, who responded with Tasers. Following the zapping, Jesus became unresponsive, was taken to a hospital, and pronounced dead.
In Port St. Lucie two boys reported seeing a girl abducted into white van. Investigators soon realized the girl and the white van were figments of the boys imaginations. Tom Nichols, of the Port St. Lucie Police Department, said police took the boy’s report seriously because white vans are so often involved in terrible crimes. "If something involves suspicious activity with a white van and we feel the urge that we need to stop white vans, then by all means we're going to stop white vans," said Nichols.
A missing man was found dead in his van, in Whitby. What color was the van?
A white van was seen lurking near an athletic equipment shed in Lynchburg, then it was gone. 15 minutes later the athletic equipment shed burst into flames.
In Kissimmee motorists observed a white van intentionally hit a motorcycle, causing it to crash. The motorcyclist died at the scene. The homicidal white van remains at large.
A white van driven by a man named Jesus led police on a wild chase through Bloomfield Township, “smashing into several cars and construction barrels”. After crashing into an SUV on Big Beaver road, Jesus leapt from the wreckage and began throwing punches at police, who responded with Tasers. Following the zapping, Jesus became unresponsive, was taken to a hospital, and pronounced dead.
In Port St. Lucie two boys reported seeing a girl abducted into white van. Investigators soon realized the girl and the white van were figments of the boys imaginations. Tom Nichols, of the Port St. Lucie Police Department, said police took the boy’s report seriously because white vans are so often involved in terrible crimes. "If something involves suspicious activity with a white van and we feel the urge that we need to stop white vans, then by all means we're going to stop white vans," said Nichols.
A missing man was found dead in his van, in Whitby. What color was the van?
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