17 July 2015

Pilot H227


In the morning I found a mechanical pencil I lost three, maybe four, years ago, it was like running into an old friend.

In the afternoon I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. We went to a bar and caught up over drinks, while my friend was telling me about his divorce and his children my mind kept drifting back to the pencil.

Coatesballs

I woke up one morning with a minor headache. With each hour the headache grew. I was walking to my job when I saw this girl on her way to class. I looked awful, and she gave me some Advil and kept going. By mid-afternoon I could barely stand. I called my supervisor. When he arrived I lay down in the stockroom, because I had no idea what else to do. I was afraid. I did not understand what was happening. I did not know whom to call. I was lying there simmering, half-awake, hoping to recover. My supervisor knocked on the door. Someone had come to see me. It was her. The girl with the long dreads helped me out and onto the street. She flagged down a cab. Halfway through the ride, I opened the door, with the cab in motion, and vomited in the street. But I remember her holding me there to make sure I didn't fall out and then holding me close when I was done. She took me to that house of humans, which was filled with all manner of love, put me in the bed, put Exodus on the CD player, and turned the volume down to a whisper. She left a bucket by the bed. She left a jug of water. She had to go to class. I slept. When she returned I was back in form. We ate. The girl with the long dreads who slept with whomever she chose, that being her own declaration of control over her body, was there. 
America’s Tolstoy mesmerizingly recounts the struggle between his black body and the influenza virus.
I am standing outside the library debating the Republican takeover of Congress or the place of Wu-Tang Clan in the canon. A dude in a Tribe Vibe T-shirt walks up, gives a pound, and we talk about the black bacchanals of the season…
- A portrait of our preeminent public intellectual as a young man.
The fear lived on in their practiced bop, their slouching denim, their big T- shirts, the calculated angle of their baseball caps, a catalog of behaviors and garments enlisted to inspire the belief that these boys were in firm possession of everything they desired.
- Essential brilliance from essentially the most essential writer in history.

03 May 2015

Slow Burn


A pair of tortoises set fire to a home in Fordingbridge, the Salisbury Journal reports. Remember how we all laughed at the Ugandan policeman who shot and killed a fleeing tortoise, after it aggressively and violently chased him? Maybe we owe him an apology.

14 April 2015

April News Orts


Who was it who said the definition of serendipity is shooting an armadillo and having the bullet ricochet and hit your mother-in-law? Because that happened in Georgia.

It’s been almost a year and the grills are still missing. #BringBackOurGrills.

A half-human, half-chimp humanzee was created in a Nigerian laboratory, reports Humphrey Nakonde. The creature talks and, sadly, has already contracted AIDS.

There are so many wonderful things being invented in Siberia right now, from the practical (a car that runs on pine cones, moose turds and old socks) to the visionary (a kindergarten shaped like a giant cheese that will inspire children to be cheesemakers when they grow up (there may be something to this - I went to a kindergarten shaped like a giant blog)).

07 March 2015

Progress in the UK


The UK Green party wants to give rodents human rights. If the Greenies’ plan is enacted, then cats who kill mice would be charged with murder, creating a market for feline-defense lawyers, which would benefit the economy (if one believes the logic of  Prof. Paul Kroogman et al.). Surely at some point Glasgow U. would rename a building after Ratty the Water Rat. I imagine many other ridiculous things happening as well, they always do.

02 March 2015

Progress in Scotland

Campus buildings named after Adam Smith, James Watt, and various other inconsequential “dead white men” will be renamed after women and blacks, Glasgow University has announced. I don’t know who they will honor, but one deserving black did occur to me: Cotton Watts, a comedic genius some believe is one of James Watt’s distant descendants.


This revisionism is supported by Nicola Sturgeon, a Glasgow U. graduate and current leader of the Scottish National [sic] Party. According to her, the initiative is “hugely important…Women have done great things and fantastic things, but you struggle to find the evidence of that.”

Finding that evidence is a struggle. It’s almost as if it doesn't exist.