15 October 2014

Ebola Solutions

Isolate Ebola cases on a tiki-themed party barge floating five to ten miles offshore; staff the party barge with RI-MANs, deliver supplies by drone. This will contain the spread of infection and provide a festive environment in which to die a horrible death. (If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned restricting travel from Africa it’s because I’m focused on realistic solutions.)

12 August 2014

Always Leave Them Laughing

When I heard Robin Williams committed suicide "by asphyxiation" I immediately wondered if he hanged himself with those rainbow suspenders. If not, what a missed opportunity.

29 July 2014

In the Blue Room

I’ve been trying to be concerned about this whole Ebola thing, unfortunately “Ebola” sounds like the name of an R&B band who plays Thursday nights at the Horseshoe Casino in Cleveland (“Dance the night away to the smooth, soulful sounds of Ebola! Free parking, no cover.”), which incapacitates my admittedly underdeveloped concern faculties.

10 July 2014

Slow News Day

A reader named Garland forwards an incredible story from Uganda:
In a bizarre incident in Nebbi district, a policeman says he was attacked by an aggressive tortoise at his home. 
Charles Onegiu, who is attached to Ndew Police Post in Ndew sub-county, says he was in his grass-thatched hut sipping away on a cup of tea when the incident happened. The tortoise crept in and when Onegiu tried to scare it off, the hard-shelled creature appeared unfazed, and instead turned aggressive. The policeman, who had just returned home after a long field day training crime preventers, tried to wave off his unwanted visitor. 
“I tried to scare it but the tortoise became very aggressive. I took a stick to chase it but it instead became more violent making me to make alarm. “I immediately picked a plastic chair to hit it. It then got out of the hut and moved towards the latrine as people rushed to my rescue,” he told New Vision. 
The shaken Onegiu then instinctively reached for his firearm and shot the fleeing reptile dead. “When it came out, I reached for my gun and shot it dead. It was a very big white tortoise. As I talk now, I am still scared because it is the first time I have seen such an incident happen in my life or heard of one,” he said. “It was a wonderful morning for me after training the crime preventers for the sub-county on the basics of their jobs. Little did I know that a different chapter awaited me later at home,”. . .
He had called his boss, Onesmus Mwesigwa, who is the Nebbi district police commander (DPC), and told him about the incident. He then requested him to allow him leave his work station. “But he consoled me and advised me to keep on duty,” said Onegiu, adding, “My father also came to talk and consoled me about the incident, but I’m still scared.” 
Drawing reference from his experience, the policeman advised people to always be on the look-out for any kind of danger. 
After Onegiu had killed the tortoise, a group of people belonging to the Charismatic faith prayed for him, before burning the dead reptile to ashes. 
The only good thing about being threatened by a violent tortoise is if you don’t happen to have a firearm handy like Officer Onegiu did, you still have time to go out and buy one.

08 June 2014


I've added Pepper, Softbank’s new “humanoid” robot, to my list of enemies; partly because he’s a charlatan who pretends to understand human emotions, but mostly because of his hideous foot. In the event Pepper approaches me or intrudes on my personal space I will, in all likelihood, roundhouse kick him, and this notice releases me from any ensuing legal liability.