Across Difficult Country

Many believe the robot holocaust has begun after a giant robot savagely attacked a gathering of bus aficionados in Whitby . Tiny image of Whitbians about to be slaughtered by an 8 ft. mechanical monster courtesy the Whitby Gazette, which apparently has a limited pixel budget. In other news, gluten free fish and chips are now available in Wetwang . Imagine the above minus the gluten and there you have what your gluten free Wetwang fish and chips look like, for the most part.

I discover Whitby’s oldest tradition is a ritual penance for the murder of a hermit , which I‘m sure doesn't surprise you.* In other Whitby news, children are terrified by the packs of dogs roaming Whitby’s beaches. Whitby’s beaches are “ among the best places to visit in the whole country ”. Meanwhile, in Grimsby, the library staff are “brilliant” and bright red “slipper socks” have been “ rolled out on the wards ”. If the Grimbarians ever ritually murdered a hermit they've done a good job of covering it up, there’s nothing on the record. * I could go on at length about the symbolic significance of the hermit being killed by three hunters, and all the triadic aspects of the ritual. I’m sure that doesn't surprise you, either.

In Zimbabwe the beheading of an overly demanding goblin went awry, producing  an explosion which destroyed a house  and killed five people. In other Zimbabwe news, six women were arrested after a bag they had stolen attracted the attention of a crowd by talking. Zimbabwe used to look like this , back when it was called Rhodesia and run by evil racists. I've joked about Whitby falling into the sea , now Whitby is falling into the sea . Painter Georg Baselitz reminds me of a Bernhard character. Sad news from Timmanakumeri , where  Ramakrishna Acharya  drowned while bathing in a stream.  Research indicates nothing else has ever happened in Timmanakumeri. Children in Catterick Garrison, have been reading to dogs to boost their confidence, the Northern Echo reports . Why the dogs lack confidence the article does not say. Stanley drivers can check if their child car seats are fitted correctly at clinics sponsored by the Good Egg Ca...

The Northern Echo reports :    A Labour politician has stunned his town council colleagues by claiming his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers.  Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council last month, said although he has had hundreds of close encounters with extra-terrestrials, it will not interfere with his mission to help residents at the seaside resort. Speaking on YouTube , Coun Parkes said he first saw an alien at the age of eight months, when “a traditional kite-shaped face”, with huge eyes, tiny nostrils and a thin mouth appeared over his cot.  He said: “Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’.” He added: “I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain.  “It says ‘I am your real mother, I am you...

If she doesn’t get £30 million Whitby will “ fall into the sea ”, or so an “expert” touted by Whitby’s alarmist local newspaper would have you believe. It sounds like a huge scam, though it may be Whitby's Atlantis-like demise is the inexorable fulfillment of some ancient curse. Either way, spending the £30 million will be a huge waste.

The Whitby Gazette reports Whitby is “under water” after a “freakish set of circumstances”. Does Whitby ever have any other kind? The Whitby Gazette is not reporting a number of Whitbians were nearly drowned by something in the floodwater that grabbed their ankles and tried to pull them under, but my sources tell me it’s happening. On this day in 1974 a Frenchman, whom we will call Jacques M. because he wishes to remain anonymous, was driving at night when he “suddenly saw a man at least eight feet tall in the light of his car's headlights, standing by the roadside. This being was milky white in color, as if wearing a tight white coverall, and his round head was without hair or facial features.”  On this day in 1979 , a couple in Puerto Rico saw the same figure in white coveralls standing on a “luminous“ flying platform, only now he was also wearing a “large helmet with a dark visor that completely covered his face”, and had shrunk to a height of four feet. On ...

Widespread riots in the UK, none in Whitby, though a hedge burned , after a garden fire got “out of hand”. The police and government non-response to the mayhem reminded me of the case of Simon Ledger , who was arrested for singing 70’s novelty hit “Kung-Fu Fighting” at bar on the Isle of Wight because the lyrics offended a Chinaman and his mother (the technical term for this state of affairs is anarcho-tyranny ). In Jertih, Malaysia, two bomoh captured nine djinns , at the home of a young woman  who  “vanished on several occasions, only to be found in odd places like inside a cement mixer and a cemetery”: Hundreds of residents flocked to the home…when they heard that the "culprits" had been captured and imprisoned in special containers. Curious onlookers jostled to take photos and video footage of the containers and the djinns said to be inside.The two bomoh, who refused to be identified, offered their services for free on Friday after reading about Siti Balqis' pli...

Saturday, June 4th : Wild winds lifted three inflatable bounce houses - with kids inside - into the air, and then tumbling end-over-end on a Long Island soccer field. The bizarre incident at the Oceanside United Soccer Club event sent 13 people, including several children, to area hospitals..."It was the craziest thing you ever saw," [said] one father... Monday, May 30th : Three children have been hurt after a bouncy castle thought to have been caught by a gust of wind left the floor and became wrapped around a telegraph pole. Horrified onlookers who were attending a double christening celebration at the White House pub in Whitby yesterday screamed as the youngsters fell off the inflatable suffering multiple broken bones...the children are said to be in a stable condition.

Disturbing notice in the Whitby Gazette : Whitby to host clergy conference WHITBY will be the venue for a summer conference hosted by the Bishop of Whitby to which guests from all over the world are being invited. It is due to take place between the 11 and 15 July and will look at how the Celtic tradition can help the Church in its work today. The conference will consist of four major sessions featuring internationally known speakers as well as field trips, services and time for relaxation. Delegates will be based in Whitby but will have the opportunity to visit other parts of North Yorkshire... Obviously, the idea is to lure a large number of clergyman to Whitby, then ritualistically murder them. Let us hope my exposing this diabolic plan will deter the wicked Whitbians from bringing it to bloody fruition.

Others finally notice he monstrous evil of Whitby. The Whitby Gazette reports : “A Japanese television crew is currently filming in Whitby as part of an educational programme to be shown on NHK – Japan's equivalent of the BBC.” While the NHK educates the Japanese people about Whitby’s dangers, the U.S. media continues to ignore the situation. I attribute this neglect to incompetence and irresponsibility, but I am beginning to wonder. In Turkmenistan, where standards for clerical work are quite high, apparently, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov signed a decree “severely reprimanding” press secretary Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev for assorted malfeasances, including “failing to highlight”, and “improper organization”. The President then signed a decree relieving Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan Gochguly Saparlyev of his duties (“failing to fulfill responsibilities”), followed by a decree appointing Deputy Chairman of the chamber Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov ac...

Photograph of anomalous big cat roaming field. The Black Beast of the Bay (an anomalous big cat ) was spotted prowling Whitby again this summer . The accursed town was also attacked by a raft of poisonous snakes , and at the moment the air in Whitby is obscured by massive swarms of insects . The bugs have “caused havoc”, are “known to spread diseases”, and are capable of “ infesting the softest parts ”. Ominously, “Experts predict the invasion will…soon attract…predators.” Meanwhile, in Driffield, absolutely nothing continues to happen .

A curious missive in the Whitby Gazette , from Jill Smith of Withernsea: I do not drop litter, my dog is not exercised in an irresponsible manner and I always clean up after him and dispose of the waste correctly. I do not get drunk and urinate or vomit in your streets nor do I spray graffiti or vandalise your beautiful old buildings. I do not drive carelessly or too fast and I certainly do not park where I should not, I pay the parking fees in the car parks. I do not bring my old fridges, mattresses or other household waste and fly tip it all over the national park...  Her writing another town's newspaper insisting she isn’t guilty of such a specific list of crimes causes me to think she‘s done all those things. It may even be that she’s done something truly monstrous and is therefore spontaneously confessing her litany of lesser offenses as a form of compensation. Copies of this entry have been forwarded to the Withernsea Police and Scotland Yard. In related news, the to...

Anger in the accursed town of Whitby over donors being charged to give blood . Imagine the fury if Whitbians knew most of their donated blood goes not to hospitals but to local necromancers for use in occult rituals. There would be riots in Whitby’s doo-doo bestrewn streets . Whitby isn’t the only place where strange, bloody things are going on. In Ghana a man took a ride with some men in black in “a green ford bus (with tainted glass)” and barely escaped with his life : What was supposed to be an incident free ride from Pokuase, near Achimota to Suhum in the Eastern Region, landed a 29-year old man in a mysterious room surrounded by men drawling blood from his legs. “Lying half conscious on a sheepskin and surrounded by lighted candles in a very large hall, my only prayer was on how to make it back home alive. Through my half-opened eyes, I could see three naked girls across the hall with their hands tied behind them, and above me was a very large mirror built into the ceiling fro...

A wooly man-ape some liken to a Bigfoot has escaped from Whitby and now roams Epping Forest , frightening and sodomizing strollers and campers, in some instances consensually. Asked about the Bigfootesque beast dull-witted park keeper Ian Greer explained, “ Sometimes we get deer but there are no bears around here .” Now do you understand why I warn about Whitby?

The Scarborough Evening News reports : MORE strange lights have been reported over the Scarborough and Robin Hoood's Bay… The latest sighting was above Asquith Avenue in Scarborough and follows several reports of strange orange-coloured lights above Scarborough Castle a few weeks ago. Tracey Bromage, of Seamer Road, was walking home at about 10pm when she saw the strange and silent lights. She said: "We saw randomly pulsing lights. They were yellowish. We just felt surprised because we thought it was lightning but there was no sound at all. "They were about roof height or the height of a lamppost. They weren't traveling, just stationary. The nearest comparison we could make was the Northern Lights but in yellow." She added she did not have a clue what the lights were but they hovered above the houses… The second witness, a man in his 20s, said he saw the same lights from Scalby. " They were going towards Whitby . I looked through binoculars at the...

The accursed town of Whitby has been busy upgrading its infrastructure. To retain the element of surprise most of the improvements are still secret, but it's now known the East Pier has been modified to deliver painful, potentially lethal electric shocks. So far only a dog has been zapped , but Whitby’s civic leaders are confident warmer weather will bring plenty of children and tourists out of doors and down to the pier to be electrocuted.

In the Whitby Gazette Jacqui Carter (no relation) writes: Banana bread help I would be grateful for your readers’ help as I have lost my banana bread recipe; I have bananas but no recipe. Can anyone send me one and a bread and butter recipe. Poor, naive, Jacqui Carter (no relation), believe me when I say you will receive no help from the wicked inhabitants of Whitby, for Whitby is an accursed town of the damned . Loyal ADC readers, on the other hand, are nice people known for having jugs of Christmas spirit. I'm betting they can find it in their hearts to give Jacqui Carter (no relation) a banana. Send bananas to: Jacqui Carter 101 Millbrook Avenue, Middlesbrough TS3 9EA, UK

“When humanity, subjugated by the terror of crime, has been driven insane by fear and horror, and when chaos has become supreme law, then the time will have come for the empire of crime.” - The Testament of Dr. Mabuse . More strange news from Whitby : A MYSTERIOUS oil spill has covered the roads around Whitby and has brought chaos to the town. Police were forced to hold up traffic at locations around the town while sand was put down. One witness described seeing pedestrians fall in the street and cars skidding as they struggled for grip in the wet conditions. Sgt Paul Delaney described the source of the spill as a "mystery". Notice the mysterious oil spill is both more elaborate (it’s no simple task to not only spread that much oil, but do it undetected) yet less physically destructive than ordinary vandalism. Why would someone do this? Because it brought chaos to the town . This is what links the bizarre and seemingly disconnected events of Whitby - the senseless crimes , th...

“The Hand of Glory is the hand of a man who has been hung, and is prepared in the following manner. Wrap the hand in a piece of winding sheet, drawing it tight so as to squeeze out the little blood which, may remain; then place it in an earthenware vessel with saltpetre, salt, and long pepper, all carefully and thoroughly powdered. Let it remain a fortnight in this pickle till it is well dried, then expose it to the sun in the dog-days till it is completely parched, or, if the sun be not powerful enough, dry it in an oven heated with vervain and fern. Next make a candle with the fat of a hung man, virgin wax, and Lapland sesame. The Hand of Glory is used to hold this candle when it is lighted. Wherever one goes with this contrivance, those it approaches are rendered incapable of motion as though they were dead.” – Notes on the Folk-Lore of the Northern Counties of England and the Borders , by William Henderson . It’s also believed those knowledgeable in the arcane arts can use a Hand ...

Gildercliffe hoodlums are stealing vans then using them to launch attacks on Whitby : Reckless Ben Stanley, 18, of Gildercliffe, Scarborough, became intoxicated at a friend’s birthday bash before setting off to steal a Vauxhall van. Despite being more than twice over the limit, Stanley – who does not have a full driving licence - then embarked on a terrifying drive all the way to Whitby, regardless of the dangers to other drivers and residents. He smashed into two parked cars and a wall in the Bog Hall area of the town. Not to condone Reckless Ben Stanley’s senseless mayhem, to a certain degree Whitby has it coming. In other crime news, a three-ton meteorite has been stolen from UFO researcher Yury Lavbin’s compound in Krasnoyarsk, Siberia. Perhaps the meteorite is a large enough object that remote viewers could locate it? They’ve certainly had no luck identifying the small curio which sits on the left corner of the shelf above my desk, despite the offer of a $1 million prize for do...