Across Difficult Country

I lack the progressive fervor for buggery, so if I were President I would never call and congratulate someone for being a homosexualist. I would, however, call and congratulate someone for  squandering his life savings on a carnival game in exchange for a giant-stuffed-Rastafarian banana with dreadlocks. Partly for reminding us there is little at all done among men that is not full of folly, as Erasmus put it, and partly because just look at that banana.

To the White House for an “ Evening of Poetry ”. Scanning the East Room, I don’t see any actual poets. I mingle about, carefully avoiding Billy Collins. I chat with that girl from 'Til Tuesday . She's overcome severe cat allergies to become a fixture on “adult alternative” radio (or so I'm told).  I ask various people if they've seen Edward Williams, and receive blank looks. One of the guests is a rapper . I try to explain to him that “frabbajabous” isn’t a real word. He gives me a blank look. Eventually the President gives a speech. I give him a blank look. Some doggerel is read. A comedian plays a banjo (why?). As the festivities wind down, a Secret Service agent approaches, and quietly asks me to follow him. After an elevator ride, we walk down a lengthy hallway, through a door, into a martial arts dojo. Standing there is the First Lady, with a pair of aides slathering oil on her nude body. My mind whirls. I realize she wants to engage me in hand-to-hand comba...

In a lengthy treatise I have not read, Bradford W. Scharlott ( journalism professor, potential sex offender )  argues Sarah Palin faked the pregnancy and birth of her fifth child , of whom she is actually the grandmother. It’s an interesting theory. A more interesting theory: what if Sarah Palin traveled back in time, to give birth to Barack Obama? It would explain why he’s gone to such lengths to conceal his long form birth certificate. We know for a fact, courtesy of the FBI,   USG recovered crashed flying saucers .   Lt. Col. Philip J. Corso  has stated the craft were not spaceships from other planets, but  time machines from the future . Corso, I just realized,  kind of looks like  Brad Scharlott. How many layers are there to this thing?

Alas, I couldn’t make it to the Giza Plateau to witness firsthand the mystical revelations of the Tutankhbama , but I did glance at a transcript of President Obama’s Egypt speech, and amidst a great goulash of platitudes and historical inaccuracies was this bit of insanity: "And I consider it part of my responsibility as president of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear." Unlike the President, I’ve never taught constitutional law (though I have published the same number of scholarly articles about constitutional law as he has), but I have read the Constitution and I can assure you that presidential “responsibility” is nowhere in it. It’s chilling to imagine what "fight" could mean. If a cartoonist in Scandinavia draws a Muhammed cartoon will President Obama parachute in with a team of sensitivity trainers to reeducate him? Or will the USA simply bomb the poor doodler? Eventually I might find out firsthand the precise...

Staff at Los Angeles International Airport load President Obama’s iqadi , or second wife, on Air Force One. The President, who was in Los Angeles for a fund raiser, “Brought the iqadi along to reward her hard work and excellent support,” said a White House spokesman. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Madonna’s bid to adopt a Malawian child stalled after a judge ruled the pop star failed to meet residency requirements. Madonna intends to harvest the child’s stem cells then inject them in hopes it will slow down her over ripening process, and argues if the child is allowed to stay in Malawi it will only go to waste. President and Mrs. Obama traveled to London for the G20 Summit. There they met the Royal Family , whom Michele impressed by lifting the Queen above her head (three times). They also gave the Queen an iPod. At the actual G20 Summit the economic situation was a major concern. There was little agreement, but there was consensus that tax havens like tiny Liechtenstein who had nothing to do with causing the economic crisis should be punished . In the United States overly indulgent parents are spoiling babies by feeding them rocket fuel . On Friday the Iowa Supreme Court imposed same-sex “marriage” by judicial fiat. Homosexualists cheered the ruling, pledging to stag...

I’ve noticed many remain confused about how, exactly, Obama and his Obamanuts are going to get us out of the economic mess we are in, but fundamentally the plan is quite simple. Replace the word “spend” with “invest”. This ingenious maneuver transforms what would have been wasteful government spending into worthwhile investment for the future. Invest in education. This will make everyone really smart. Invest in "Green Power". This will lead to the discovery of a cheap, non-polluting energy source. Have government take over health care. This will improve health care and make it cost less. These investments will produce an explosion of wealth unlike any in human history, and thus pay for themselves an Obamamillion times over. The future America is a gleaming technotopia teeming with geniuses. Visualize driving an eco-friendly flying car to a free medical check-up. This strategy may have a few minor flaws, but surely those will be worked out.

I’ve been thinking up creative ways to implement the economic stimulus. Some Americans could immediately be employed to flush money down the toilet. This may require the waiving of environmental restrictions. Another worthwhile project would be the creation of an American Pundit Hat industry. Pundit Hats will be large conical hats, similar to this fantastic Bronze Age specimen , but instead of gold they will be made out of recycled cans, and instead of being artistically decorated with astronomical symbols Pundit Hats will be inscribed with our highest truths (Diversity is Strength, The World is Flat, Yes We Can, We are the World, etc.) alongside images of our eminences (Bono, Gore, Oprah, Hugo Chavez, Obama, the ShamWow! guy, etc.). All who opine on TV or in establishment newspapers and magazines will be required to purchase Pundit Hats and wear them whenever in public; those refusing will be banished from the pundit class. None will refuse, of course, and most will believe the ha...

“The official theme of Mr. Obama’s inauguration is “A New Birth of Freedom,” a phrase taken from Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.” - The Washington Times . You may have noticed Obama is quite the Abe Lincoln enthusiast. Read p.38-39 of Lincoln at Gettysburg: The Words That Remade America by Gary Wills and you will understand why. See related commentaries by by Joseph Sobran and Sam Francis .

Normally I’m the last to complain about someone squandering money on a party, but in these troubled economic times why is His Presidency The Barry Obongo spending $150 million on inaugural festivities ? Consider the alternatives: $150 million buys the entire population of Uganda a $5 foot long from Subway, it buys a custom perch for each of China’s 34,000 human-bird hybrids , or it buys a Boeing 767 for every single one of America’s openly Mustiphino congressmen.

Expensive, grandiose, unachievable - in essence Obama and his Obamanuts are proposing a Zambian Space Program for America. Of course Edward Mukaka Nkoloso was never allowed to spend any money, and he was joking …

Weak drinks and manic smiles at a local party celebrating the greatest event in human history. A congressman takes the stage to announce President Obongo will “implement a green energy revolution” on his first day in office, but he doesn’t say how. Maybe the secret of Barry’s “lost” Columbia years is he was inventing cold fusion in his apartment? A party apparatchik follows. He says the election means, “All of us have to give up our cynicism,” and I think I might punch him in the face. I’ve been meticulously cultivating my cynicism for years. It’s like an exquisite bonsai tree, and I’m not throwing it away now, when it’s needed most. Now stop. Barry time! Everyone turns to the flat screens and no one says a word while BO speechifies - except for your correspondent, who desperately needs another drink. “Can we get a proper pour this time?” One sip reveals that no, no we can’t.

From Wetwang comes word of a brick attack in Wetwang . Anyone with information please contact the police at 0845 6060222. With the fallout from her remarks about the RFK assassination still lingering, Sen. Clinton may have triggered a new controversy when she announced another reason she would not drop out of the presidential race was the remote but very real possibility of Obama suffering a brick attack in Wetwang . “We all remember that brick attack in Wetwang . I don't understand it. But like you, I remember it.” Locally, a sad-faced man in a bar was overheard lamenting modern romance: “I had no idea she would leave. It came out of nowhere, like a brick attack in Wetwang .” A Long Island businessman admitted giving Isreali Prime Minister Ehud Olmert “ $150000, mostly in cash stuffed into envelopes ,” but denied ever giving Olmert a brick attack in Wetwang . The Barack Obama campaign said the candidate misspoke when relating the story of a great-uncle who rescued Jews from a bri...

Exciting news from the campaign trail, the AP has asked presidential hopefuls what they like to cook . I believe it was a modern day Buddha with Hitlerian tendencies who said “By his cookery ye shall know him” (or something to that effect), and it’s true, with the proper analysis the various responses are quite revealing. Democrats’ favorite thing to cook : •Delaware Sen. Joe Biden: Pasta Because Biden himself is damp and noodley, it’s his very nature. It’s obvious now, isn’t it? Speaking of pasta, at some point early in this century I made the decision to refer to all forms of pasta as Spaghetti, and though it took a while to get used to so far I've had no regrets. You should try it, it makes fine dining more fun. •New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: "I'm a lousy cook, but I make pretty good soft scrambled eggs." It’s truly sickening the way the Clintons make everything about their grotesque sex lives. •Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd: "An August New ...

Worrisome news from West Bengal , India, where a “modern day Buddha” is “acting like Hitler with his gang of thugs”, and nothing is being done to stop it. This tragic situation calls to mind the recent orations of none other than Barry Obama, who said: “ We cannot hope to shape a world where opportunity outweighs danger unless we ensure that every child, everywhere, is taught to build and not to destroy .” It should be obvious to everyone by now that today’s untaught child is tomorrow’s Hitlerian modern day Buddha. Note too there’s no midnight basketball in West Bengal, which can hardly be a coincidence. Good news from Guyana: in the tiny village of Bare Root a rare type of vampire known as an Ole Higue was beaten to death “with mythical objects” (whatever those are) before it could suck anyone’s blood. As lazy Caribbean Net News Guyana Correspondent B. Gordon French explains, an Ole Higue “lives during the day among other villagers, but at night this seemingly harmless old woman re...

Among the modest aims of Presidential candidate Barry H. Obama is to “ usher in a new birth of freedom on this Earth .” Does this mean he wants an end to smoking bans? It seems not. Despite being a smoker himself, his speech suggests the sort of “freedom” he wishes to usher in the new birth of resembles government programs my taxes must pay for.