01 November 2010

October Oddments

Scientists say God put taste buds in our lungs because He wants us to smoke tobacco.

To save money, the Telegraph newspaper no longer uses proofreaders.

The Burmese jungle teems with sneezing monkeys that look like Michael Jackson in his later stages. Gruesome thought: could they be Jacko-Bubbles hybrids? Recall the rumors of a secret laboratory in the caverns beneath the Neverland ranch. I will report back once the results of DNA tests are in.

Ghoulish Russian bears are digging up and eating corpses in graveyards: "In Karelia one bear learned how to do it [open a coffin]. He then taught the others," she added, suggesting: "They are pretty quick learners."

When I observed “bears are capable of crimes more heinous than stealing picnic baskets,” I had no idea just how horrible they were.

Russian “yetis” declare war on bears, and who can blame them?

Some people think the Russian yetis (also known as Almasti) are actually Neanderthals.

25 October 2010

3rd Grade Memories

School

“When I grow up, I’m going to write things about white vans and blobs and dumb scientists. I’ll publish my musings electronically somehow.”

“You’re weird, Carter,” said Betty Lou, so I pulled her pigtails.

The Sweater

My parents made me wear an itchy turtle neck sweater so I “wouldn’t catch a cold”.

“Sweaters don’t kill germs,” I told them.

“Go to your room,” they told me.

“Pay attention,” I said to Mossy the Hobo. “If I lose the sweater, it’s too obvious, so I’m going to give you this dollar, and tomorrow when you see me walking with my mom you run out and steal the sweater from me. Don‘t screw it up.”

The next day I’m walking with my mother, and up strolls Mossy. He grabs the sweater, and starts pulling it off me. I put up a fight, to make it look good. A guy driving by sees the commotion. He jumps out of his truck and punches Mossy square in the face. Mossy crumples, and lies twitching in a pool of his own blood until the ambulance arrives.

The sweater was ruined, its arms stretched all to hell, so it all worked it out for the best.

Halloween

After trick or treating every other house in the neighborhood my friends and I arrived at the run down cottage at the end of the block inhabited by Granny Skuld, a mean old lady who everyone said put pins in apples and poison in candy and probably was a witch.

A vote decided Tony should go up and ring the bell, but he doesn't want to. “Tony, you go up there, or we will punch your fat belly until you cry,” we said, then hid in the shrubs to watch. He walked slowly up to her door and rang the bell. The door opened. He stood there silent and shaking for some time, then stepped into the house. The door slammed shut. Terrified, we ran away.

Back safe at our homes we tranquilized our fear with all the candy we had got. Like most children we had short attention spans, and soon forgot about Tony, whom we never liked much anyway. It was a shock when, three months later, some hunters found him, wandering naked in the woods outside of town. Strangely, he was even fatter than before his disappearance. He said he couldn't remember anything, and we kept our mouths shut.

White Gliding Ghostliness

Multiple attempts by at least two different drivers to lure children into white vans in the Pittsburgh area - six in the past three weeks. Police urge everyone to “stay alert”, but refused to comment when asked if they believe, as some do, that falling into a reverie causes the white vans to appear.

In Sydney, Australia, a man tried to “entice” a 12 year old girl into his white van. Earlier in the day in another part of town, a white van stalked a 15 year old boy on the way to school. Like a dreamer awoken from a nightmare the youth vividly recounted the terror he felt as the white van pursued him, but was “unable to provide a description of any occupants of the vehicle”. Police “don’t believe any of the incidents are linked”, despite the glaringly obvious white van connection.


A man in a white van was observed “fighting with himself” in Grass Valley, California.

A New Zealand woman was “grabbed on Te Ngae Rd and dragged into the back of a [white] car”. The woman escaped, and, inexplicably, a passing white van picked her up and took her to a police station. Confused police wish to speak with the white van’s driver, who like his evil counterparts was unidentified. 
An expert who monitors white van activity says we can expect it to “crescendo around Halloween”, whatever that means.

18 October 2010

Strange Rediscovery

The New York Times reports:
The city of Moberly, Mo., is stirred up over the discovery of a wonderful buried city, which was discovered at the bottom of a coal shaft, 360 feet deep, which was being sunk near the city. A hard and thick stratum of lava arches in the buried city, the streets of which are regularly laid out and enclosed by walls of stone...A hall 30 by 100 feet was discovered , wherein were stone benches and tools of all description for mechanical service. Further search disclosed statues and images of a substance closely resembling bronze...A stone fountain was found, situated in a wide court or street, and from it a stream of perfectly pure water was flowing...Lying beside the foundation were portions of the skeleton of a human being. The bones of the leg measured, the femur four and one-half feet, the tibia four feet and three inches, showing that when alive the figure was three times the size of an ordinary man...[cont.]

14 October 2010

Glorious Piles

An examination of nearly a thousand Egyptian and South American mummies revealed few incidences of cancer, leading researchers to conclude the disease is caused by the modern way of life, and me to conclude properly operated large stone pyramids prevent cancer.

04 October 2010

From North Yorkshire to Ashgabat

Others finally notice he monstrous evil of Whitby. The Whitby Gazette reports: “A Japanese television crew is currently filming in Whitby as part of an educational programme to be shown on NHK – Japan's equivalent of the BBC.”

While the NHK educates the Japanese people about Whitby’s dangers, the U.S. media continues to ignore the situation. I attribute this neglect to incompetence and irresponsibility, but I am beginning to wonder.

In Turkmenistan, where standards for clerical work are quite high, apparently, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov signed a decree “severely reprimanding” press secretary Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev for assorted malfeasances, including “failing to highlight”, and “improper organization”. The President then signed a decree relieving Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan Gochguly Saparlyev of his duties (“failing to fulfill responsibilities”), followed by a decree appointing Deputy Chairman of the chamber Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov acting Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan.

Yesterday, Turkmenistan police stormed the apartment of an unnamed street cleaner and arrested him, after neighbors reported overhearing him call for the assassinations of Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev, Gochguly Saparlyev, Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov, and Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov. Authorities later released the man, after determining he had only been gargling.

30 September 2010

Treacherous Bait

Near the nation’s capitol a sea serpent was spotted, swimming merrily along. Cryptozoologists hope the monster will be captured; normal Americans hope politicians will be lured to the banks of the Potomac, where the serpent can lunge out and devour them.

27 September 2010

Wonderful Indeed Are The Preserves of Time

That mummy is medicinal, the Arabian Doctor Haly delivereth and divers confirm; but of the particular uses thereof, there is much discrepancy of opinion. While Hofmannus prescribes the same to epileptics, Johan de Muralto commends the use thereof to gouty persons; Bacon likewise extols it as a stiptic: and Junkenius considers it of efficacy to resolve coagulated blood. Meanwhile, we hardly applaud Francis the First, of France, who always carried Mummia with him as a panacea against all disorders; and were the efficacy thereof more clearly made out, scarce conceive the use thereof allowable in physic, exceeding the barbarities of Cambyses, and turning old heroes unto unworthy potions. Shall Egypt lend out her ancients unto chirurgeons and apothecaries, and Cheops and Psammiticus be weighed unto us for drugs? Shall we eat of Chamnes and Amosis in electuaries and pills, and be cured by cannibal mixtures? Surely such diet is dismal vampirism; and exceeds in horror the black banquet of Domitian, not to be paralleled except in those Arabian feasts, wherein Ghoules feed horribly.
But the common opinion of the virtues of mummy bred great consumption thereof, and princes and great men contended for this strange panacea, wherein Jews dealt largely, manufacturing mummies from dead carcasses, and giving them the names of kings, while specifics were compounded from crosses and gibbet leavings. There wanted not a set of Artificers who counterfeited mummies so accurately, that it needed great skill to distinguish the false from the true. Queasy stomachs would hardly fancy the doubtful position, wherein one might so easily swallow a cloud for his Juno, and defraud fowls of the air while in conceit enjoying the conserves of Canopus.

Radzivil hath a strange story of some mummies which he had stowed in seven chests, and was carrying on ship board from Egypt, when a priest on the mission, while at his prayers, was tormented by two ethnic spectres or devils, a man and a woman, both black and horrible; and at the same time a great Storm arose at Sea, which threatened shipwreck, till at last they were enforced to pacify the enraged sea, and put those demons to flight by throwing their mummy freight overboard, and so with difficulty escaped. What credit the relation of the worthy person deserves, we leave unto others. Surely if true, these demons were Satan's emissaries, appearing in forms answerable unto Horus and Mompta, the old deities of Egypt, to delude unhappy men. For those dark caves and mummy repositories are Satan's abodes, wherein he speculates and rejoices on human vain-glory, and keeps those kings and conquerors, whom alive he bewitched, whole for that great day, when he will claim his own, and marshall the kings of Nilus and Thebes in sad procession unto the pit.
Death, that fatal necessity which so many would overlook, or blinkingly survey, the old Egyptians held continually before their eyes. Their embalmed ancestors they carried about at their banquets, holding them still a part of their families, and not thrusting them from their places at feasts. They wanted not likewise a sad preacher at their tables to admonish them daily of death, surely an unnecessary discourse while they banqueted in sepulchres. Whether this were not making too much of death, as tending to assuefaction, some reason there were to doubt, but certain it is that such practices would hardly be embraced by our modern gourmands who like not to look on faces of morta, or be elbowed by mummies.
 - from "Fragment on Mummies", a forgery of Sir Thomas Browne written by James Crossley.

22 September 2010

Smoke Break

“Hi, Carter.”

“Hi, Louise.”

“I saw you Saturday afternoon. You and a woman were walking down Third. I saw you from across the street. I waved and waved at you, but you didn’t wave back.”

“Really. Were you, by any chance, wearing a hat? Because I suffer from an unfortunate condition known as ‘hat blindness,’ a quirk of the brain rendering me unable to recognize someone wearing a hat if I‘m used to seeing them without a hat.”

“I was wearing a hat, actually. My sombrero. I wear it sometimes on weekends, because it makes me feel festive.”

“So that was you! You can understand how, because of my condition, I perceived you as a stranger and a madwoman, and therefore sensibly ignored you. ”

“I saw you Saturday, too.”

“You did, Elmer?”

“Saturday night. You and group of people were coming out of a club on First. I said ‘Hello’, you walked right past.”

“Really. I don’t discuss it much, but I also suffer from an unfortunate condition known as ‘bald fag blindness,’ a quirk of the brain rendering me unable to recognize bald fags I’m acquainted with from work when I see them unexpectedly outside of work.”

“That explains it.”

“I also saw you Saturday,” said Edna. “In the morning. You were by yourself, on the shore at the lake. I fell out of my canoe. I frantically waved and yelled at you. But you didn‘t see me.”

“Actually, I distinctly recall waving back. You must not have noticed with all your splashing and screaming.”

21 September 2010

All Over

Interviewed last Sunday, retired General Colin Powell admitted illegal aliens are “all over” at his house, “doing things”. He also claimed “immigration is what's keeping this country's lifeblood moving forward”, but did not explain why the country’s lifeblood needs moving, or how it‘s moved. Does he think immigrants tow the country's lifeblood using taco trucks? He didn’t elaborate.

The establishment considers Powell one of “Washington's venerable ‘wise men,’” which tells you a lot about Washington and the establishment. Harboring illegals isn’t the only criminal activity Powell has been connected to since leaving the military: in 2008 he celebrated Nigerian cyber crime at a festival in London, prior to that he was Secretary of State.

12 September 2010

Hot Snakes


A snake sabotaged electrical transmission lines in the Philippines, blacking out power to the entire province of Bohol. At this time the snake’s motives remain undetermined.

In California, a snake and his teenaged accomplice robbed a Walgreen’s in broad daylight; the pair then escaped on a “baby blue BMX bike”.

Alki Family Fun Day in West Seattle was almost spoiled after an 11-foot albino python attacked a fat woman. At this time who ended up eating whom remains undetermined.

In Melbourne, Australia, a 5-foot long python was spotted lurking outside of a McDonald’s. The python, named Boris, was quickly wrestled into submission by a pair of concerned citizens before he could attack any fat women, rob the McDonald's, or sabotage any power lines.

Whether or not we are on the verge of some sort of snake crisis remains undetermined.

07 September 2010

We’re All Foreigners There

I laughed when Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni announced his dream of going to the moon (“We must also go there and say: ‘What are you people doing up here?’”). At the time, I had no idea he owned a $48 million private plane, purchased using money given to him by the US and EU. Now he is using $22 million in foreign aid to buy seven supersonic fighter jets Ugandans can’t fly or maintain. Our generosity, then, may have caused Museveni to believe Western nations will someday buy him a rocket ship. I’m starting to believe it myself.

06 September 2010

Of Barnacles, Which Grow from Fir Timber, and Their Nature

There are likewise here many birds called barnacles, which nature produces in a wonderful manner out of her ordinary course. They resemble the marsh geese, but are smaller. Being at first gummy excrescences from pine beams floating on the waters, and then enclosed in shells to secure their free growth, they hang by their beaks like seaweeds attached to the timber. Being in process of time well covered with feathers, they either fall into the water or take their flight in the free air, their nourishment and growth being supplied, while they are bred in this very unaccountable and curious manner, from the juices of the wood in the sea-water. I have often seen with my own eyes more than a thousand minute embryos of birds of this species on the seashore, hanging from one piece of timber, covered with shells, and already formed. No eggs are laid by these birds after copulation, as is the case with birds in general; the hen never sits on eggs in order to hatch them; in no corner of the world are they seen either to pair, or build nests. Hence, in some parts of Ireland, bishops and men of religion make no scruple of eating these birds on fasting days, as not being flesh, because they are not born of flesh. But these men are curiously drawn into error. For, if any one had eaten part of the thigh of our first parent, which was really flesh, although not born of flesh, I should think him not guiltless of having eaten flesh. Repent, O unhappy Jew, recollect, though late, that man was first generated from clay without being procreated by male and female; nor will your veneration for the law allow you to deny that.
 - Giraldus Cambrensis, The Topography of Ireland. 1187.

22 August 2010

Plans Unveiled

Exciting developments on the urban planning front, happening in Sudan, of all places:
The authorities in southern Sudan have unveiled a $10bn (£6.4bn) plan to rebuild the region's cities in the shapes of animals and fruit.

Elaborate blueprints for the new cities have already been drawn up.

The regional capital, Juba, will be relocated and designed in the shape of a rhinoceros. Wau, the capital of Western Bahr el-Ghazal state, is to be a somewhat unwieldy giraffe…

In Juba, the office of the regional president is situated where the rhinoceros's eye should be.

In Wau, the sewage treatment plant is appropriately placed under the giraffe's tail.

There is talk that the town of Yambio will be shaped like a pineapple.
The creativity and ambitiousness of these designs could wake up our urban planners to possibilities besides light rail trains and sterile modernist blight. Imagine an American city in the shape of Mickey Mouse, or a hamburger. It’s about as likely as the Sudanese getting the $10 billion they need to actually build something.

18 August 2010

Enter Certain Nymphs

You sunburnt sicklemen, of August weary,
Come hither from the furrow and be merry:
Make holiday; your rye-straw hats put on
And these fresh nymphs encounter every one
In country footing.
- Shakespeare, The Tempest (4.1.134-38).

Brief Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen, Summer 2010

Eat, Pray, Love

Watch, leave, vomit.

The Expendables

The Dependsables.

Dinner for Schmucks

The French film Le dîner de cons, adapted for American audiences (all the intelligence, subtlety, and wit was removed). Starring the painfully unfunny Steve Carell, widely considered one of the leading comedic actors of our time.

Lottery Ticket

On the eve of a holiday weekend a young negro (played rapper Bow Wow) learns he has a winning $370 million lottery ticket. For the next three days his neighbors and relatives in ‘da hood’ try to steal it from him while the audience yells things at the screen.

Lottery Ticket 2

Set six months after Lottery Ticket, a young negro (played by rapper Bow Wow) declares bankruptcy after having squanderd $370 million. The audience yells things at the screen, eventually his corpse is found in a dumpster.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

A hipster who looks like a homosexual fetus (Michael Cera) attempts to win the heart of a girl. Based on a comic book read by hipsters who look like homosexual fetuses.

Step Up 3D

A tight-knit group of street dancers team up with Moose and find themselves pitted against the world's best hip-hop dancers in a high-stakes showdown that will change their lives forever.” Essentially the story of my life. I give Step Up 3D four boogaloo shrimps out of a possible five.

03 August 2010

New Proton Radius

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute think protons are much smaller than “previously thought”. One day over lunch, Professor Glen Morangie theorized crumbs are actually much larger than previously thought. “Those are croutons,” I told him.

Lurks and Larks

Deep in the Texas woods cryptozoologists searching for Sasquatch found something far worse: a sinister forest donkey, lurking suspiciously. Could the entire Bigfoot phenomenon be a hoax perpetrated by donkeys? The cryptozoological community should strongly consider it.

Meanwhile, in Lapland (when was the last time you heard that?), a Thai berry picker vanished after reporting by cell phone “Something weird is following me, it's like a dog or something.” Could the poor berry picker have been followed, then abducted, by a forest donkey? The local Poliisi should strongly consider it.

Box Office

My Blogger Stats say the most popular ADC post of the summer is a picture of an orange telephone. The second most popular is the inscrutable Report of the Board of Consulting Engineers, Vol. 1.

28 July 2010

Skubalophagia

In a column about his epic journey from liberal Democrat to liberal Republican, pundit and milquetoast David Brooks reveals he enjoys eating garbage: "So I sit there in my green jacket, happily chewing on a Twizzler that I probably left in a pocket in 1979..."

Disgusting as Brooks habit is, I suspect most establishment pundits of the official press are secretly harboring far grosser vices.

Summer Whitby Report

Photograph of anomalous big cat roaming field.
The Black Beast of the Bay (an anomalous big cat) was spotted prowling Whitby again this summer. The accursed town was also attacked by a raft of poisonous snakes, and at the moment the air in Whitby is obscured by massive swarms of insects. The bugs have “caused havoc”, are “known to spread diseases”, and are capable of “infesting the softest parts”. Ominously, “Experts predict the invasion will…soon attract…predators.”

Meanwhile, in Driffield, absolutely nothing continues to happen.

25 July 2010

Secret of the Lamprey

Scientists studying sea lampreys have unlocked the mystery of human stress hormones. Eons ago, when Man was still an Aquatic Ape, disgusting lampreys would cling all over him, drain his blood, then drag him neath the waves. Researchers now believe these attacks caused a lot of stress, so stress hormones were evolved as a countermeasure. While Man eventually gave up being aquatic, fears of being covered in lampreys and dragged neath the waves can still induce anxiety in some beachgoers. Fortunately, Modern Man is able to augment his stress hormones with relaxing cigarettes, though the bureaucrats hate to admit it.

20 June 2010

The Greatest Dwarf Story Ever Told

I receive a missive from my old friend Judge Florentino Floro Jr. Just the other day I was wondering whatever happened to him, he must have read my mind (the judge is known for that sort of thing). It turns out he’s been working on a book about his amazing life, the three Mystic Dwarves, crab mentality Pinoys, the nature of the universe, and more. He writes:
eElven Supremacy 2010: 27 years Dalliance; LUIS, Armand & Angel; the Violet Lights
The Greatest Story of Friendship Ever Told, eBook Part One

2 years and a quarter of a century ago, LUIS, Armand and Angel changed my life and wrote my destiny (at exactly 7 p.m., June 2, 1983, at the wake of my father, Florentino, Sr.).
Even if today’s scientists began to investigate aliens and the matter of how something can be made to travel faster than the speed of light, hoping that man can time travel, still, the Violet lights of LUIS remains a mystery and I predict that this pure light would be solely his and mine.

The entire universe perforce is summed up into pure light, when mass, energy and all things including discovered quantum would remain a thing of the past, for they miserably fail to be at eternity or state, where there is no more constriction of time and space.

In this 2010 eBook, I write for you and to the world, the greatest pre-destined story of friendship ever.

I am sharing with you and to the whole world, as I hereby publish online my 614 pages eSecond Book - "Philippine Mystic Dwarfs LUIS, Armand and Angel Meet Healing and Psychic Judge Florentino Floro" Part I, 2010 edition.

Download Judge Floro's 2nd Book, 2010 edition, Part I, 614 pages Word, Skydrive.

Download - Judge Floro's 2nd Book, 2010 edition, Part I, 614 pages, published PDF, Skydrive

Unlike my 404 pages First Book (2006), which I wrote in just 2 weeks, I spent 3 1/2 years writing this, and I have not yet physically published the same. Uncensored and exhaustive, I desire it to be a compendium of the deepest secrets of the universe (per the Violet lights emanating from LUIS' bonito or dwarf hat), and dire prophecies ... For these reasons, inter alia, I state with certainty that this book tells the Greatest Dwarf Story ever told, or rather, the best story of friendship, ever...
I don't doubt it in the least. I will be publishing a positive review of Philippine Mystic Dwarfs LUIS, Armand and Angel Meet Healing and Psychic Judge Florentino Floro sometime later this week.

Concrete Has Suddenly Become an Important Factor

When I was a boy, when I wanted to read the June, 1906 edition of Cement Age, the “monthly magazine devoted to the interests of cement”, I had to pedal my bicycle all the way to the university library. Today, thanks to the advance of technology, I can access issues of Cement Age, the “monthly magazine devoted to the interests of cement”, with the click of a button. But I never do, my interest in cement, concrete construction, and Cement Age having waned long ago, with the onset of pre-puberty. As is often the case the future was rendered obsolete before it arrived.

18 June 2010

Some Day We Must Really Talk Things Over

We have known thousands who as young men at the University were volcanoes of originality and poetry, and promised to remain so, and now are either servile or liberal philistines. We, on the contrary, are steadily becoming strangers to the world and its ways, and live a private life which (silently for the moment) runs clean contrary to present trends.
Doesn’t it sometimes seem to you as though one fine day on a lonely path you would meet a dwarf who would open a secret door in the moss and stones of the forest and lead you into a new world?
Do drop your hostility to the Middle Ages! What weighs upon us, somewhat, are the apes of the Middle Ages, not the real, genuine age of Dante and his consorts, who were, au contraire, wonderful people. Classical antiquity, if it were imposed par ordre de Mufti, would not be much less irksome. I have in my hands the historical proofs of how wonderfully people enjoyed themselves in the Middle Ages, when life was more colorful and rich than can possibly be imagined. But that is by the way. Only don’t let yourself be imposed upon by the Liberals in historical matters; at bottom they are still only jabbering away in the wake of the Encyclopaedists. ‘But look ye, I am going to tell you something, the culture we have now, etc.’ - is not worth a fig, and the only result is that everyone is made on one last. It is a long story, Hermann, the spread of culture and the decrease of originality and individuality, of will and capacity; and the world will suffocate and decay one day in the very dung of its own philistinism. I’ve said it!
 - Jacob Burckhardt, letter to H. Schauenberg. 22 March 1847. (The Letters of Jacob Burckhardt, translated by Alexander Dru, p. 105.)

14 June 2010

The Moon Creeps Up to the Bubbling of Bassoons

In 1658 the eminently learned Sir Kenelme Digby performed an experiment using a “well-polished silver bason” proving the “rayes of the moon are cold and moist.” Why lunar rayes are cold is obvious, but the source of their moistness has long been a puzzle (Sir Kenelme attributed the dampness to the sun, mistakenly believing the sun to be a “humid star”). But last week scientists at the Carnegie Institution's Geophysical Laboratory finally found the answer. Moonbeams are moist because the Moon has lots of water in it, at least a “100 times more” than “previous estimates”.

RELATED: Digby's extrordinary street fight.

04 June 2010

Mind Over Matters

Pondering recent events in the Middle East I realized it would ease tensions if news reports referred to Israel’s raid on the aid flotilla as Israel’s raid on the AIDS tortilla. It then occurred to me redefining oil as “nature’s gravy” makes the oil leak crisis go away. A story headlined "Massive Flow of Nature’s Gravy Means Early Thanksgiving for Gulf Coast Shorebirds" would be heartwarming. Economic conditions seem less grim if one pictures the economy as a donkey who tries to rape children.

These Donkeys Are No Gentle Doves

From Gaza another report of a Mussulman donkey turning suicide bomber. Given my animal bombs expertise and my low opinion of donkeys* it’s a disgrace the government hasn’t sought my advice on this growing threat.

Donkeys who aren’t religious fanatics are still nasty creatures. After a Colombian donkey’s attempts to seduce two children failed, he viciously attacked them, sending both to the hospital. An acquaintance of the donkey said: "This donkey is no gentle dove...One may look at him with his ears down and his eyes half-closed and think he would not kill a fly, but when he is horny, dear mother, you have to be very careful."

*Oddly, I once urged everyone to buy a donkey.

16 May 2010

Spring Things

In the spring a livelier iris gleams upon the burnished dove, and in Ochopee, Florida a young Bigfoot’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Dave Shealy, Bigfootologist and RV park owner, explains:
There are seven to nine Skunk Apes [Bigfoot’s “smaller, smellier cousin”] currently living in the Everglades and right now is the best time to spot one because it’s their mating season.

Lately, he’s heard lots of campers report strange sounds coming from the swamps…it’s the Skunk Ape’s mating call, which sounds like a low-pitched dove cooing.

Though Skunk Apes are generally shy, Shealy says women on their periods should be careful when hiking the area because the cryptoids are attracted to the scent of menstruation.

They’re also aroused by used lingerie, so female campers shouldn’t hang their panties out to dry because, in his words, “That’s like raising a flag and inviting them in.”

02 May 2010

Finding an Entrance Where They Can

29 April, 3:00 AM. I’m waiting in a vacant lot, about 20 clicks from the US/Canada border. A figure approaches.

“Did you hear about the Sichuan chef?” He asks.

You mean the Chinaman who got drunk, passed out, had an eel inserted into his anus by his so-called friends, then died because the slimy fish “ate his bowels”? What of it? In a nation of a billion people with easy access to eels that sort of thing is bound to happen.

“Take a closer look,” he says, then ambles off into the night.

1 May, 11:30 AM. At the Fashion Rock Café in Beijing I’m meeting with Miss Fong, Miss Feng, and Miss Fung, members of the ADC Irregulars, China branch.

“We have source at highest levels of government,” says Miss Fong.
“Chinese scientists genetical engineer eels into weapon,” says Miss Feng.

“Released into sewer eels programmed to swim up plumbing to toilet,” says Fung.

“From toilet eels enter anus holes of enemy peoples. Then eat bowels in gruesome manner,” says Fong.

“Lab accident result in some eels escape,” says Feng.

“Sichuan chef killed by one of the escaped eel. Prank story disinformation put out by authorities,” says Fung.

“To prevent panic,” says Fong.

“Now you must leave you in grave danger,” says Feng.

“Actually Fung say that,” says Fong.

2 May, 10:00 PM. I’m sitting in a diner in Vermillion, South Dakota. A waitress refills my coffee and asks, “What does this have to do with anything?”

No idea, baby. No idea.

RELATED:  Eels.

SEE ALSO: Eels?

11 April 2010

Recent discoveries

Varanus bitatawa
Giant lizards were discovered living in the "heavily populated and highly deforested" Philippines island of Luzon. The shy reptiles, a new species, are vegetarians and didongular. Scientists say the six and a half foot long lizards escaped detection by spending “all their time high up in trees”. Obviously scientists are so lazy hiding from them is easy, something to remember the next time a scientist denies the existence of the Sandsend Blob.

I recently discovered one of my entries quoted in a book.

07 April 2010

When Rambling

Technology having made it unnecessary no one stops me on the street to ask for directions anymore, except that madwoman seeking the secret entrance to Agartha.

04 April 2010

Happening in the City Right Now


People buying shiny iPads, putting them in leather cases, downloading the New Yorker, blissful looks upon their faces, rubbing iPads on their nipples, overcome with jubilation. Just announced, read Spider-Man! It all exceeds imagination.

31 March 2010

The Magnalities of Nature

Man’s moral decadence is often spoken of, while Nature’s degeneracy gets a free pass. Consider the Nepenthes rajah. This disgusting vegetable has assumed the shape of a toilet to get unwitting shrews to crap into its “huge orifice”. At the moment this leafy coprophile can only be found in the wilds of Borneo, which is some consolation.


An N. rajah plant, left, and a toilet.              

28 March 2010

Variety of Factors

There is no doubt then but Centaurs as well as other Monsters, are produced, partly by the influence of the stars, and partly by other causes, as the ill disposition of the matrix, the bad temperature of the seed, the perverse inclination of the woman, the commixtion of seeds of divers kinds, sudden fear, bad diet, unwholsome air, and untimely Venus.
 - Alexander Ross, Arcana Microcosmi.

Elsewhere

I'm posting political nonsense at The Paste-Board Cliffs.

22 March 2010

Low jests for low times

Informed the Government has taken over health care I decide to send a stool sample to my congressman. Absent violent upheaval expect more of this sort of thing.

21 March 2010

There's poetry for you

Respublica, by Geoffrey Hill

The strident high
civic trumpeting
of misrule. It is
what we stand for.

Wild insolence,
aggregates without
distinction. Courage
of common men:

spent in the ruck
their remnant witness
after centuries
is granted them

like a pardon.
And other fealties
other fortitudes
broken as named—

Respublica
brokenly recalled,
its archaic laws
and hymnody;

and destroyed hope
that so many times
is brought with triumph
back from the dead.

18 March 2010

Some Lines from March 17

If a certain number of centuries ago, the exact number of which is unimportant for present purposes, Patrick hadn’t banged a drum to drive the slithering serpents from Eire, today we would not find ourselves behind this faux-Irish pub, under this hospitality tent, sipping beer from plastic cups. There's history for you.

Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, over there’s a young lady with a nose ring who I sense wishes to hear me hold forth on the subject of leprechauns.

14 March 2010

Pulp

"The pain's nothing; pain many times is taken away with the apprehension of greater, as the toothache with the sight of a barber that comes to pull it out: there's philosophy for you." - John Webster, The Duchess of Malfi. Act. V, Scene V.

07 March 2010

The Paradox of Progress

The Chinamen are using robots instead of costumed mascots:
Thirty seven multi-functional robots, which were customized to serve the visitors of Shanghai World Expo, made their debut here Sunday.
Besides dancing and singing, the 1.55-meter tall robots, shaped after the Expo mascot Haibao, could "communicate" with visitors in six languages and take photos for them...

The robots have touch screens on their chests to answer inquiries on road, public service and Expo information...
Shanghai World Expo mascot Haibao. Haibao is an ancient Chinese mascot. Gumby is a shameless rip-off of Haibao, not the other way around. Your never having heard of Haibao until today shows your ignorance.
The deployment of robots will protect those, like Lord Tebbit and myself, who engage in pre-emptive self defense against costumed mascots from the embarrassment of inadvertently attacking a disguised woman or child. Unfortunately removing the human within also drains nearly all of the fun from the duello.

28 February 2010

Two Epigrams by Thomas Bastard

In Habentem Longum Barbam

Thy beard is long: better it would thee fit,
To have a shorter beard, and longer wit.

On his Three Marriages

Though marriage by some folks be reckoned a curse,
Three wives did I marry, for better or worse;
The first for her person, the next for her purse,
And the third for a warming-pan, doctor, and nurse.

23 February 2010

Your Kung-Fu is no Good Here

Lord Tebbit battles Chinese dragon!
The 78-year-old was so upset by the noise caused by a Chinese New Year celebration near his home that he ran 100 yards down the street, grabbed a drum that someone was banging, and planted a kick on the backside of a dancing dragon - without realising a boy was inside."

Restaurant owner Patrick Chung, who organised the street celebration in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, said: 'A drum was being beaten outside my restaurant as part of Chinese New Year but Lord Tebbit arrived and stopped the drummer.
'He probably did not realise what was going on. He did kick the dragon.

'There was a child inside the costume and he was kicking the dragon's bottom. He ran after the dragon and kicked it. The child was upset. He did not know what was happening.'

Another witness said: 'This old man came running towards the dragon on the parade.

'He grabbed the drum and cymbal being played and then started violently kicking the dragon itself.
I once punched someone in a bear costume in the oversized, spongy head. Shortly after it dawned on me if the suit contained a woman, I would be in a spot of trouble. Luckily, the wearer was that fellow from my high school with no eyebrows, the one I nicknamed ‘the pre-registered sex offender’.

Moral of story: Know who is inside before striking, or disaster might result!

21 February 2010

A better future

Instead of creating a new ugly building, acclaimed architect Daniel Libeskind ’s latest project is the vandalization of an old building normal human beings enjoy looking at.

The “improved” Dresden military museum.

Presented as a war memorial, the result is merely a monument to the talentlessness, vulgarity and egomania its designer. Libeskind says “You can't do architecture if you don't believe in a better future.” In a better future his buildings would be razed to the ground.

Keep them away from the controls

President Obama intends to put Mussulmen into space. Good news! I thought, until I realized he didn’t mean all of them. Instead the plan is to use the space program for "outreach" to "to non-traditional partners". For we live in a time of Progress, and Progress requires NASA abandon its mission of boldly going where no man has gone before to serve, instead, as an orbital ‘Make-A-Wish Foundation’ for backwards countries.

This ridiculousness can‘t be prevented, so we should make the best of it and urge the President to also send a Zambian Afronaut or two.

The Cameleopard

There are two other animals, which have some resemblance to the camel. One of these is called, by the Ethiopians, the nabun. It has a neck like that of the horse, feet and legs like those of the ox, a head like that of the camel, and is covered with white spots upon a red ground ; from which peculiarities it has been called the cameleopard. It was first seen at Borne in the Circensian games held by Caesar, the Dictator. Since that time too, it has been occasionally seen. It is more remarkable for the singularity of its appearance than for its fierceness; for which reason it has obtained the name of the wild sheep.
- The Natural History of Pliny.

14 January 2010

Blast of January

Bleak January of tragedy coming on the heels of tragedy. A a sheep gave birth to a human-faced lamb, then an earthquake shook Haiti, followed by the death of Donald Goerke, inventor of SpaghettiOs®. (That all those years it never occurred to Italians to combine ring shaped pasta with sauce in a can shows how lazy they are.)

With the world reeling tomorrow brings another disaster and with it more suffering: the release of Jackie Chan’s new movie The Spy Next Door.