Across Difficult Country

Who was it who said the definition of serendipity is shooting an armadillo and having the bullet ricochet and hit your mother-in-law? Because that happened in Georgia . It’s been almost a year and the grills are still missing . #BringBackOurGrills. A half-human, half-chimp humanzee was created in a Nigerian laboratory, reports Humphrey Nakonde . The creature talks and, sadly, has already contracted AIDS. There are so many wonderful things being invented in Siberia right now , from the practical (a car that runs on pine cones, moose turds and old socks) to the visionary (a kindergarten shaped like a giant cheese that will inspire children to be cheesemakers when they grow up (there may be something to this - I went to a kindergarten shaped like a giant blog)).

Scientists say God put taste buds in our lungs because He wants us to smoke tobacco . To save money, the Telegraph newspaper no longer uses proofreaders . The Burmese jungle teems with sneezing monkeys that look like Michael Jackson in his later stages . Gruesome thought: could they be Jacko-Bubbles hybrids ? Recall the rumors of a secret laboratory in the caverns beneath the Neverland ranch. I will report back once the results of DNA tests are in. Ghoulish Russian bears are digging up and eating corpses in graveyards : "In Karelia one bear learned how to do it [open a coffin]. He then taught the others," she added, suggesting: "They are pretty quick learners." When I observed “ bears are capable of crimes more heinous than stealing picnic baskets ,” I had no idea just how horrible they were. Russian “yetis” declare war on bears , and who can blame them? Some people think the Russian yetis (also known as Almasti) are actually Neanderthals .

29 April, 3:00 AM. I’m waiting in a vacant lot, about 20 clicks from the US/Canada border. A figure approaches . “Did you hear about the Sichuan chef ?” He asks. You mean the Chinaman who got drunk, passed out, had an eel inserted into his anus by his so-called friends, then died because the slimy fish “ate his bowels”? What of it? In a nation of a billion people with easy access to eels that sort of thing is bound to happen. “Take a closer look,” he says, then ambles off into the night. 1 May, 11:30 AM. At the Fashion Rock Café in Beijing I’m meeting with Miss Fong, Miss Feng, and Miss Fung, members of the ADC Irregulars, China branch. “We have source at highest levels of government,” says Miss Fong. “Chinese scientists genetical engineer eels into weapon,” says Miss Feng. “Released into sewer eels programmed to swim up plumbing to toilet,” says Fung. “From toilet eels enter anus holes of enemy peoples. Then eat bowels in gruesome manner,” says Fong. “Lab accident re...

Newsweek reports white babies as young as 6 months are racists . I can’t say I’m surprised, I’ve always found the character of babies suspect. Selfish, prone to rage, lacking any concept of law or morality, and there is no way all the inappropriate crapping is accidental. To prevent me from being a baby bigot, on the rare occasions my parents visited me in the nursery they wore blackface. This continued into early childhood, up until they stopped having anything to do with me altogether. They also had my black nanny disguise herself as a Chinaman, and on weekends forced the Mexican gardener dress up as an Hasidic Jew. Exposure to such an innovative program of conditioning might explain my scores on implicit association tests (I haven't the slightest taint of unconscious bias), as well as my love of minstrelsy . In other exciting baby news, a faun was born in Zimbabwe :  The community of Lower Gweru and its surroundings in the Midlands Province was left shell-sh...

Was my cynicism premature? A major medical breakthrough in Indonesia could mean we truly can “fix” health care: A month ago Ponari was hit by lightning, according to his story. When he regained consciousness there was a stone on top of his head [ Obviously Ponari wasn’t struck by lightning, he was hit by a meteor – CVC ]. He threw it away but the stone came back so he took it home. There he discovered the healing effects of the stone: a neighbour healed of fever after he had touched it, the village head got rid of a bad pain in his arm and the local police officer, a pious Muslim, swears he has seen with his own eyes how Ponari healed a boy who had not spoken a single word for five years. The news about the miraculous healings spread quickly and people started to flood to the small village of Balongsari, a few hours drive from Surabaya. First dozens, then hundreds, and now there are thousands. They bring cups, bottles and buckets of water in which the boy wonder plunges his stone....

Normally I’m the last to complain about someone squandering money on a party, but in these troubled economic times why is His Presidency The Barry Obongo spending $150 million on inaugural festivities ? Consider the alternatives: $150 million buys the entire population of Uganda a $5 foot long from Subway, it buys a custom perch for each of China’s 34,000 human-bird hybrids , or it buys a Boeing 767 for every single one of America’s openly Mustiphino congressmen.

While the mere possibility of creating a human-chimp hybrid is giving Western scientists a “frisson of enjoyment” Chinese scientists have gone ahead with the mass production of human-bird hybrids . A squadron of Chinese bird-men assembles for duty .

Exciting news from Ghana (when was the last time you heard that?) where a human-pig hybrid has been created : “The people of Bolga, the Upper East regional capital are struggling to come to terms with circumstances that resulted in the delivery of a piglet which has the face of human. The owner of the pig, John Akologu who lives at Sawaba, a suburb of Bolga, was shocked when he woke up on Friday morning to see his pregnant pig litter the strange ‘kind’… There are widespread speculations someone in the neighbourhood or close to the the mother pig has been 'seeing' it.”     Beast of Bolga, a.k.a. the Ghanaian Abomination. Looking closely at the above image of the Ghanaian Abomination I’m struck by the resemblance between it, the Montauk Monster , and California Senator Henry Waxman , who declined to comment on this story. RELATED: Other ADC posts on hybrids .

Scientists at Japan's Institute of Cetacean Research have been attempting to cross minke whales with cows ; so far without success (my guess is the cows drown when the whales try to mount them). They hope to produce a hybrid animal with the beefy goodness of a cow, the blubbery delightfulness of a 10,000 pound whale, and the ability to spout milk out of its blowhole. Unsurprisingly, this creative research project is being ridiculed by the moribund and humorless scientific establishment: The head of Australia's scientific delegation to the IWC, Dr Nick Gales, said the research not only lacked credibility - it was downright strange. "(The research involves) really bizarre and very strange experiments...It's totally esoteric, very strange research," he said from London. Gales claim to fame is his two year study of the turds and vomit of sea lions , so his jealousy of scientists doing something truly groundbreaking is understandable.

In a newspaper editorial titled “ Humans don't stand outside nature ”, Professor David P. Barash (author of The Myth of Monogamy and Madame Bovary's Ovaries: a Darwinian look at literature , among others) asks:  Is there a chimera, a hybrid or some other mixed human-animal genetic composite in our future? I certainly hope so. This may seem perverse: Even the most liberal theologians tend to shy away from advocating the production of half-person/half-animals. Why, then, am I rooting for them? He's rooting for them because: When -- and I mean when, not if -- geneticists and developmental biologists succeed in joining human and non-human animals in a viable organism, it will be difficult (perhaps impossible)…to maintain the fallacy that Homo sapiens is uniquely disconnected from the rest of life. It is one thing to ignore the fact that human beings share roughly 99 percent of their genotype with chimpanzees; such ignore-ance [sic] will require even more intellectual slei...

"In 1974, Belgian zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans and Soviet scientist Boris F. Porchnev published a fascinating book entitled L’homme de Néanderthal est toujours vivant. This book contains the account of a Russian doctor who escaped from the Soviet concentration camps, and in 1952 or 1953 met a trusted friend of Heuvelmans. The doctor claimed that he was arrested because he refused to obey the orders from his superiors. He was to conduct artificial insemination of Oriental women by the sperm of male gorillas. The experiments were conducted in the medical department of the Soviet forced labor camps. The doctor claimed that a race of apemen was created. They were extremely strong and covered with fur, worked tirelessly in the salt mines, and grew larger than the humans—but they could not reproduce." An eminent journal of science examines the controversial subject of human-ape hybrids .