Across Difficult Country

I am once again in unhappy Seattle (even Seattle’s homosexualists seem depressed these days, despite being promised a monorail). For all of her shortcomings, Seattle’s grey, drizzly weather makes it an ideal city to have a hangover in, and therefore a perfect place for me to be for the holidays. I will try to wring whatever small enjoyment out of Seattle I can before her miserable passive aggressive citizens destroy the city completely with dimwitted and obscenely expensive (in the billions) transportation schemes, which include the aforementioned ‘ manorail ’, light rail, and now possibly an underground tunnel for cars to drive in. Who will pay for all this? Those with any money and good sense will be leaving Seattle as soon as these projects commence being built, as the construction process will make an already depressing city unlivable. Much talk in Seattle centers around the controversial ballot recount in the Gov.s race. Accusations about election fraud have been made. It would...

Flying late at night clears the clouded mind. While the rest of the mostly empty plane is sleeping, I reflect upon terrible acts I have committed during the course of my life. For a time when I was younger, I would go out on the town with the sole purpose of luring young women back to my lodgings in order to seduce them. At some point before or after engaging in ecstatic wrestlings I would charm or coerce them into shaving their pubises. (At this point I’m sure many of my younger readers are asking, confusedly, “Why weren’t their pubises shaved already?” being unaware that particular grooming habit has only recently become ubiquitous (my personal investigations lead me to believe that it only becomes common starting among women born after 1978)). I collected and saved the shaved hairs over a period of months, and after amassing a substantial amount had it woven into a wig which I then donated to a charitable organization that provides free toupees to low-income bald men. I regret t...

I find myself in Vaduz, the largest city of Liechtenstein , a tiny redoubt of civilization located between bland Switzerland and corrupt Austria. Vaduz has no monorail, but per capita it does have numerous international banks (with catchy names like 'Liechtensteinische Landesbank Aktiengesellschaft'), enough to satisfy the most complex tax evasion and money laundering needs. What truly sets Liechtenstein apart as a country is that it has not succumbed to the foolish democracy fad which has ruined all other modern nations. Liechtenstein is still ruled by a monarch, as it has been since the the Middle Ages (not coincidentally the last decent period in human history). The current head of state is Prince Hans-Adam II of Liechtenstein, a rather dashing fellow, and over dinner at Vaduz Castle he describes to me the wealth and happiness that flows to Liechtenstein's people as a result of its monarchical system (if you are surprised by that you have not read Hans-Hermann Hopp...