Across Difficult Country

People have been asking me to explain a ¡Jeb! Bush mailer depicting him with a black hand (not because I’m a political insider, or a Bush confidante, but because I seem like the kind of guy who would know something about racially anomalous appendages). The story I heard was that one time when ¡Jeb! was visiting his adopted homeland of Mexico he got bitten on the wrist by a donkey . The bite became infected, and ¡Jeb! was forced to have his hand amputated. Everyone knows Americans will not elect an amputee president, so to save his political career ¡Jeb! paid an impoverished negro refugee from Hurricane Katrina $500 for his left hand, which doctors then transplanted onto ¡Jeb’s! stump. Normally ¡Jeb! disguises the hand’s race with white skin cream, obviously the day that picture was taken he forgot.

Deep in the Texas woods cryptozoologists searching for Sasquatch found something far worse: a sinister forest donkey , lurking suspiciously. Could the entire Bigfoot phenomenon be a hoax perpetrated by donkeys? The cryptozoological community should strongly consider it. Meanwhile, in Lapland (when was the last time you heard that?), a Thai berry picker vanished after reporting by cell phone “Something weird is following me, it's like a dog or something.” Could the poor berry picker have been followed, then abducted, by a forest donkey? The local Poliisi should strongly consider it.

Pondering recent events in the Middle East I realized it would ease tensions if news reports referred to Israel’s raid on the aid flotilla as Israel’s raid on the AIDS tortilla. It then occurred to me redefining oil as “nature’s gravy” makes the oil leak crisis go away. A story headlined "Massive Flow of Nature’s Gravy Means Early Thanksgiving for Gulf Coast Shorebirds" would be heartwarming. Economic conditions seem less grim if one pictures the economy as a donkey who tries to rape children .

From Gaza another report of a Mussulman donkey turning suicide bomber . Given my animal bombs expertise and my low opinion of donkeys* it’s a disgrace the government hasn’t sought my advice on this growing threat . Donkeys who aren’t religious fanatics are still nasty creatures. After a Colombian donkey’s attempts to seduce two children failed, he viciously attacked them, sending both to the hospital. An acquaintance of the donkey said: "This donkey is no gentle dove...One may look at him with his ears down and his eyes half-closed and think he would not kill a fly, but when he is horny, dear mother, you have to be very careful." *Oddly, I once urged everyone to buy a donkey .

A disturbing story from Mexico alerts me to a major donkey safety flaw : A Mexican woman says she fought a 226kg lion with a machete near the resort city of Acapulco and scared him away. Celsa Aleman said she and her seven-year-old niece were riding a donkey along a road when the lion went after the animal's legs. The 35-year-old woman said she found the courage to fight the lion because she thought it would attack her niece. She said she hit the animal with a machete until the beast ran away. If donkeys attract lion attacks, even in  Mexico where wild lions are nearly extinct, then there really is no place safe to ride them. I regret urging everyone to buy one .

I predict the United States economy is poised to become more donkey-based (similar to how the economies of Namibia and Pakistan are now). I’m so confident of this I put some of my own coin into the donkey sector today with the purchase of a sturdy one I've named Francis Caballero . Why donkeys, you ask? For many reasons. Donkeys are versatile, working well in urban and rural settings. They haul, carry, and can be ridden. They are easier to feed than a horse and are more durable. Donkeys are simple to manage - a small wooden club or perhaps a short piece of metal pipe is all you need. Greens take note: donkey waste is biodegradable, and as an added bonus it can be flung at the people who got us into this mess. UPDATE: I just remembered I have a violent hatred of donkeys . Run, Caballero!

Because of new animal cruelty rules the fat children of Scarborough can no longer ride donkeys : Anyone over eight stone will not be allowed to ride a donkey on the beach – which means that obese children may need to be turned away. The rules have been written by The Donkey Sanctuary and the British Equine Vets’ Association to protect the hard-working animals. Melanie Fisher, who operates donkeys on Scarborough’s South Bay beach, said: “We have always stuck to our own limit of around six stone anyway, so the new guideline won’t affect us. I think eight stone is still too much when you consider the weight of the saddle too.” Mrs Fisher said she has had to turn away overweight children in the past but has never faced an angry reaction from parents. She said: “People are generally fine about it. We just say the child is too big to ride a donkey and ask if they would like to help us lead it along the beach instead. “It’s all about what’s best for the donkey at the end of the day.” Are you ...

The nation is transfixed by the melodramatic story of Lisa Nowak, the lovesick lady astronaut (as a boy I dreamed of becoming an astronaut until I learned there’s no smoking in space). Police officials claim Nowak "stealthily followed the victim while in disguise and possessed multiple deadly weapons,” but then list the deadly weapons as “pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.” Pepper spray is not deadly. A BB-gun is not deadly. A steel mallet has the potential to be deadly - so does a softball bat. If it’s an ordinary metal hammer and not a Donkey Kong-style giant clobbering mallet it’s misleading to describe it as deadly. Knives also have the potential to be deadly - so do matches. If the knife in question is a folding or utility knife, describing it as deadly is a gross exaggeration. Rubber tubing, even if used as a garrote, is at most less deadly than rope, and sane people don’t consider rope deadly. Must our authorities be dishonest about every...

Life imitates John Henry Collier: Iowa man lives inside Wal-Mart store for three days . In other news: last Saturday in Cyprus a little girl was forced to touch gigantic lemons the size of swollen donkey balls as part of some disgusting Cypriot fertility ritual. Come on feel the lemon . In other other news: sun remains dangerous. This is a very important point.

Today is Independence Day, and all across our great big world people are celebrating the 4th of July in their own way. An Albanian peasant exercises his right to ride a donkey sideways. Later, in the spirit of freedom, the peasant will allow the donkey to ride him. Happy Independence Day Albanian donkey and friend! In China, overweight women demonstrate independence by painting their disgutingly large bellies . Benjamin Franklin used to celebrate the Fourth of July the same way, much to the embarassment of the other Founding Fathers (John Adams in particular). In the Philippines , a crowd celebrates July 4th by cavorting around a crude mask of the patron saint of freedom, Ronald Reagan. Happy Independence Day America.