18 December 2013

Banana Emergency

Scientists warn a putrefying fungus could wipe out the banana industry "in the near future", which reminds me, I should finish the mystery novel I've been writing about Bananas Foster, a mentally unstable private detective whose investigation of the suspicious death of a noted pastry chef exposes a cover-up that goes all the way to the top.

15 December 2013

Scales, Lava, Phases

The future.

Zoologists say crocodiles are smarter than previously thought.

The super volcano beneath Yellowstone is much larger than previously thought.

Scientists believe the risk of the entire universe compressing into a small, hard ball is “even greater than previously thought”. All of sudden those brainy crocs don't seem so bad.

Previous things previously thought.

08 December 2013

Green Satanic Mills

Our depraved government announced wind farms can continue to murder eagles “for up to 30 years, or six times longer than the current permits allow.” Maybe Prius drivers should be allowed to swerve and hit red wolves. Have some burned out light bulbs needing disposal? Feel free to dump them into an unsuspecting humpback whale’s open mouth, as long as the bulbs are ‘eco-friendly’ CFLs.

While wind turbines excel at frappeing birds and visually blighting the landscape, they do nothing to reduce Global Warming. Flying across the country in a jet then causing traffic jams in order to hobnob with billionaires doesn't reduce Global Warming, either, yet it brings no complaints from the environmental hysterics who get upset about someone not recycling a can.

Genius Ideas Are Always Simple

Fun times at Lake Bikal.
Timely and informative Siberian Times article explains how to rescue a car from the bottom of a frozen lake.

10 November 2013

1850

More than thirty years ago, observation taught me that the great question of race—the most important, unquestionably, to man—had been for the most part scrupulously, shall we say purposely, avoided—by the statesman, the historian, the theologian; by journalists of nearly all countries. Unpalatable doctrines, no doubt, to dynasties lording it over nations composed of different races.  
- Robert Knox, The Races of Men: A Fragment.

18 August 2013

News You Wish You Had Missed


A cabin fire forced a private jet carrying bands Ratt and Dokken to make an emergency landing.  The cause of the fire remains unexplained. Also unexplained: how the jet traveled through time from the year 1986.

In Karen Beasley Sea Turtle Hospital news:
[A]long with Holden III we released a large Loggerhead, “Sandy Bay” who came to us this spring quite ill but with a lot of  attitude. “Monroe,” another Loggerhead admitted last year with horrific propeller injuries to his carapace is the other rehab overachiever who joined Holden and Sandy Bay as they departed our care into the arms of Mother Ocean. Godspeed, and stay safe out there.
The Tamil Nadu Emu mania has ended exactly the way everyone not an enthusiast of large flightless birds could have told you it would end, but as usual nobody ever listened.

22 July 2013

News You Missed


Chinese horse cavalry invaded and occupied India for two days.

A tribe of Rastafarian pygmies were observed in Indonesia:
“A number of rangers claim the pygmies grow their dreadlocks down to their waist. The first sighting by the rangers was on March 17 at 6:40 p.m. local time,” said TNWK [The Way Kambas National Park] spokesman Sukatmoko.
He added that several rangers patrolling the park claimed the pygmies were seen moving to the PT Nusantara Tropical Fruit (NTF) plantation. They were seen running from the TNWK forest to the plantation.

“Apparently, many fruit trees, such as banana, guava and dragon fruit, are grown in the NTF plantation area. If the pygmies like fruit, they might have entered the plantation for food,” said Sukatmoko.
And if they don't like fruit, what then?

The Old Town Show vegetables results.

07 July 2013

Maybe Someday


After carefully studying the pufferfish, a group of unnamed scientists concluded humans “may eventually” evolve beaks. I think humans may eventually evolve elephant-like proboscides, allowing continuous snacking from the fast food bag while eyes and fingers are occupied by screens and buttons. Admittedly, I can’t back up my theory with any sort of aquatic animal.

12 May 2013

The Penny Hedge


I discover Whitby’s oldest tradition is a ritual penance for the murder of a hermit, which I‘m sure doesn't surprise you.*

In other Whitby news, children are terrified by the packs of dogs roaming Whitby’s beaches. Whitby’s beaches are “among the best places to visit in the whole country”.

Meanwhile, in Grimsby, the library staff are “brilliant” and bright red “slipper socks” have been “rolled out on the wards”. If the Grimbarians ever ritually murdered a hermit they've done a good job of covering it up, there’s nothing on the record.

*I could go on at length about the symbolic significance of the hermit being killed by three hunters, and all the triadic aspects of the ritual. I’m sure that doesn't surprise you, either.

30 April 2013

Tubs of Fun



I lack the progressive fervor for buggery, so if I were President I would never call and congratulate someone for being a homosexualist. I would, however, call and congratulate someone for squandering his life savings on a carnival game in exchange for a giant-stuffed-Rastafarian banana with dreadlocks. Partly for reminding us there is little at all done among men that is not full of folly, as Erasmus put it, and partly because just look at that banana.

12 March 2013

What the World Needs Now

As a disinterested observer of the papal election, I’m struck by demands for a “more modern” pope. Isn't there enough modernity in the world? Look around, it’s everywhere. A man can’t take two steps in his talking sneakers without stepping in it. If anything what’s needed is more antiquity. At the very least for novelty‘s sake, but also because it would be an improvement in so many areas. The advice given by a sacred bull, for example, would surely be better than the bull dung supplied by those the modern world calls experts.

31 January 2013

Goblins to Bathetic Experts

In Zimbabwe the beheading of an overly demanding goblin went awry, producing an explosion which destroyed a house and killed five people.

In other Zimbabwe news, six women were arrested after a bag they had stolen attracted the attention of a crowd by talking.

Zimbabwe used to look like this, back when it was called Rhodesia and run by evil racists.

I've joked about Whitby falling into the sea, now Whitby is falling into the sea.

Painter Georg Baselitz reminds me of a Bernhard character.

Sad news from Timmanakumeri, where Ramakrishna Acharya drowned while bathing in a stream. Research indicates nothing else has ever happened in Timmanakumeri.


Children in Catterick Garrison, have been reading to dogs to boost their confidence, the Northern Echo reports. Why the dogs lack confidence the article does not say.


Stanley drivers can check if their child car seats are fitted correctly at clinics sponsored by the Good Egg Campaign. An "expert in child car seats" will be present at the clinics. Even if you don't have small children you might want to attend just to experience that.