30 May 2007

Synchronicity or sorcery?

The Sunday Sport newspaper has reported the controversial sport of Tieraufstapelung, or animal stacking, is coming to Whitby:
“a sick animal circus which forces bears to ride horses and monkeys to ride goats is set to be staged in Whitby.

The Sunday Sport said the Animal Olympics, which has been an annual event in Guilin, China for the past 10 years, is coming to the town in August.”
This may be nothing more than an odd coincidence, or it may be I have a fan working for the UK’s finest newspaper, or it may be I am unknowingly entwined in the diabolic tendrils of Whitbian thaumaturgy, and it is already too late.

Cinders, p. 228

"The apparent scientific unity of the world may be due to the fact that man is a kind of sorting machine."
- T.E. Hulme, Speculations.

24 May 2007

He will wait until

On the night of May 2nd a large, luminous object with a “nose, mouth and eyes” was observed floating in the skies high above Sutton. The UFO frowned down upon the UK town’s inhabitants for 20 minutes (most Suttonians didn’t notice) before vanishing.

It am unhappy.
(Photo by John Gregory of Burn Street)

If this UFO were an alien spacecraft (as many have assumed, for no reason) it would be one of the most absurd alien spacecrafts ever to visit our Earth (which is saying something).

A more plausible explanation is the thing wasn’t a vehicle at all, instead it was an occult being or entity of some sort, inadvertently unleashed (if not summoned intentionally) from some mystic realm by diabolical Whitbian necromancy.

21 May 2007

Slouching towards Whitby

First the appearance of the Sandsend blob, followed by a plague of rampaging rats, and prancing Goths. Next the arrival of a huge, inexplicable vulture, coinciding with an outbreak of religious icons being desecrated and children running amok as if possessed, then animals were being brutally killed by an unknown assailant. Now a mysterious black panther known as the Beast of the Bay has returned and is prowling again in and around the town of Whitby.

O flabby and sad men of Whitby, what terrible secrets, what crimes, what dark rituals must you be hiding for Whitby to be so damned?

No reason why

Flipping channels I caught an absurd exchange between Peter Beinart, the pre-pubescent writer for the New Republic, and Patrick Buchanan. Debating the impending amnesty of millions of illegal aliens Buchanan asked the cub reporter “Why are you taking this risk?” It’s a simple, sensible question, one those wishing to irrevocably alter America should be able to easily answer. Beinart responded, “Because the potential for America to become a stronger country is absolutely enormous.”

If more Mexicans make a country stronger, wouldn’t Mexico be the strongest country on the Earth? To think Beinart is a member of the Council on Foreign Relations (he joined right after leaving the Mouseketeers).

And yet, surprisingly enough, all is not gloom on the immigration front. Our despicable rulers are so inept they may have bungled the grand immigration sell-out. How fitting. The knife wielded by the stupid man cuts in all directions, as the saying goes.1

1Where’s that from?

17 May 2007

It will be cold in Antenora

Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., center, accompanied by Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., left, and Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., right, discusses the bipartisan illegal immigration sell-out during a news conference on Capitol Hill in Washington, Thursday, May 17, 2007.

“Today, the essential unity of the elites is obvious not only in such shadow-boxing as the national election just concluded (far calmer than any 18th century contest for a seat in the House of Commons) but also in the incestuous and self-serving structure of the elites in government, the economy, and the dominant culture. Each elite supports the others; their members share the same ideas, values, tastes and manners; and they all collaborate in smothering anyone or anything that makes an audible squeak against the ruling class and its interests.

Genuinely adversarial dissent is discouraged or actively condemned, while books espousing ideas that question the common world-view and ideology of the ruling class are banned, candidates who challenge the political monopoly are systematically smeared and excluded from the official debates, and political groups that dissent from or challenge the monopolization of power are branded as "extremist" in the ruling class media and subjected to political and legal harassment and persecution by the ruling class police apparatus. Meanwhile, the policies and ideologies that each "competing elite" follows or peddles reinforce and support each other, so that even the illusion of competition and balance begins to shrivel. What stands out today as noticeable about the elites of business, government, and the dominant culture is not any fiction about the "countervailing power" they represent but their increasing unification and cooperation in defense of their common identity and common interests.”
- Samuel Francis, “The Ruling Class.” Chronicles January, 1996.

13 May 2007

Mysteries of the Dark Continent

From Nigeria comes word of a perplexing anomaly known as the Aboogun footprint, or Foot Print. According to Yinka Oladoyinbo “The footprints fit all legs, irrespective of the size or the shape.” (I told you it was perplexing.) Segun Fatuase adds “The Agboogun Foot Print fits any size of foot. The mystery is that those with small feet, flat feet or any other size for that matter get a snug fitting once they measure their feet with the Agboogun Foot Print.”

Despite it fitting any size foot, some feet don’t fit the Aboogun footprint. As Fatuase observes:
“It is also believed that those whose feet do not fit the Agboogun Foot Print are those with evil intentions, particularly witches and wizards. According to Pa Ajayi, “only a few persons have been so identified in this manner. Thousands of feet have been measured and deemed fit in this way. The Agboogun Foot print has defied any human understanding.”
He’s got that right. If you’re in the neighborhood of the Aboogun footprint don’t miss the Agboogun mat, a magical mat previously owned by an “eight-foot man”.

Do the drop-step

I swear it started as a joke, this limping. It started
With that amusing stunt I called the "drop-step",
Which I first learned from Marcello Mastrianni
In the movie "8 1/2". And that's back in college,
When I was quite a character, I guess, walking
To class down West Fourth Street past the clocks
In store windows that gained fifteen minutes,
I swear, as I went. Sometimes knocking the heads
Off daisies in flowerpots. With the tip of my
Umbrella. Years later, to amuse or alarm complete
Strangers, I revived the drop-step, coming back
From the corner store. You have to time it right.
- from "Dictates of Talk (III)" by Edward Williams.


While animal stacking (or "Tieraufstapelung") is being regulated out of existence in America the laissez-faire approach taken by the Chinese is producing innovations. If present trends continue China will completely dominate the field by the end of the 21st Century.

07 May 2007

Big small big

What sort of country is it where a man can’t stroll down the street with his rat riding on the back of his cat riding on the back of his dog without first having a permit? Certainly not a free one, but as Gregory Pike found out, that’s the law in Santa Fe, New Mexico (and probably in your horrible state as well).

Worse, after capitulating to police pressure and purchasing a permit Mr. Pike was fined $500 by animal control because his furry friends lacked tags and because he wasn’t carrying “the required poop bags.”

Unsurprisingly, at least to those familiar with the concept of anarcho-tyranny, the New Mexican authorities who enthusiastically harass Mr. Pike for being creative can’t be bothered to do anything about the thousands of illegal aliens in the state who roam about with impunity (and without poop bags).

While here in the USA things only seem to get worse Japan’s future is looking better than ever because Japanese girls are getting curvier.

01 May 2007

Would the cook were of my mind

Exciting news from the campaign trail, the AP has asked presidential hopefuls what they like to cook. I believe it was a modern day Buddha with Hitlerian tendencies who said “By his cookery ye shall know him” (or something to that effect), and it’s true, with the proper analysis the various responses are quite revealing.

Democrats’ favorite thing to cook:

•Delaware Sen. Joe Biden: Pasta

Because Biden himself is damp and noodley, it’s his very nature. It’s obvious now, isn’t it? Speaking of pasta, at some point early in this century I made the decision to refer to all forms of pasta as Spaghetti, and though it took a while to get used to so far I've had no regrets. You should try it, it makes fine dining more fun.

•New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: "I'm a lousy cook, but I make pretty good soft scrambled eggs."

It’s truly sickening the way the Clintons make everything about their grotesque sex lives.

•Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd: "An August New England dinner: Lobster, corn and tomatoes."

I had no idea Dodd was running for President. He seems to have misheard the question “What do you like to cook” as “What do you enjoy having Teddy’s private chef serve you when you’re hanging at the Kennedy Compound?”

•Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards: Hamburgers

Served on soggy white bread, because Edwards doesn’t have any buns handy even though he’s rich. I have no actual evidence of this, but now that I’ve imagined it you have to admit it seems entirely plausible.

•Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Hot water, according to his wife, Elizabeth. Doesn't cook. A vegan, he favors fresh fruits and vegetables.

You know the saying “Give me a big woman, a little man, some hot water, a turnip, and I can take over the world”? That’s another thing a modern day Buddha that acts like Hitler once said. Does anyone favor fruits and vegetables that aren’t fresh?

•Illinois Sen. Barack Obama: Chili

Spicy brown chili, the kind your lady can’t get enough of. Get that, honky?

•New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: Diet milkshake

Because he’s fat, in case you hadn't noticed.

Republicans’ favorite thing to cook:

•Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: Beef

That's right, man food.

•Arizona Sen. John McCain: Baby-back ribs

That’s right, Southern man food, because he likes it, not because of anything to do with the South Carolina primary.

•Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Hamburgers or steak on the grill

That’s right, man food, on the grill, the way a man cooks it.

•Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: Rib-eye steak on the grill

I have no idea who this person is, but steaks with those rib-eye things in them are extra manly, and it’s on the grill. Are you listening, Biden? Stirring spaghetti is for girls and limp-wrists.

•California Rep. Duncan Hunter: Chicken fried venison

That sound you hear is Denny Kucinich starting to cry.

•Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: Hot dog

Not “hot dogs”, but “hot dog”, a hot dog, which he cuts into 12 equal pieces for his three wives and nine children.

•Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: Doesn't cook.

Finally, a sane response.