Across Difficult Country

Scientists at Japan's Institute of Cetacean Research have been attempting to cross minke whales with cows ; so far without success (my guess is the cows drown when the whales try to mount them). They hope to produce a hybrid animal with the beefy goodness of a cow, the blubbery delightfulness of a 10,000 pound whale, and the ability to spout milk out of its blowhole. Unsurprisingly, this creative research project is being ridiculed by the moribund and humorless scientific establishment: The head of Australia's scientific delegation to the IWC, Dr Nick Gales, said the research not only lacked credibility - it was downright strange. "(The research involves) really bizarre and very strange experiments...It's totally esoteric, very strange research," he said from London. Gales claim to fame is his two year study of the turds and vomit of sea lions , so his jealousy of scientists doing something truly groundbreaking is understandable.

What sort of country is it where a man can’t stroll down the street with his rat riding on the back of his cat riding on the back of his dog without first having a permit? Certainly not a free one, but as Gregory Pike found out, that’s the law in Santa Fe, New Mexico (and probably in your horrible state as well). Worse, after capitulating to police pressure and purchasing a permit Mr. Pike was fined $500 by animal control because his furry friends lacked tags and because he wasn’t carrying “the required poop bags.” Unsurprisingly, at least to those familiar with the concept of anarcho-tyranny , the New Mexican authorities who enthusiastically harass Mr. Pike for being creative can’t be bothered to do anything about the thousands of illegal aliens in the state who roam about with impunity (and without poop bags). While here in the USA things only seem to get worse Japan’s future is looking better than ever because Japanese girls are getting curvier .

"The model of liberal democracy that Japan inherited is flawed, Fujiwara says. As well as putting faith in unreliable masses – he prefers a cool-headed elite – it overemphasises rationality. “You really need something more. You might say that Christianity is one such thing. But for us Japanese, we don’t have a religion such as Christianity or Islam, so we need to have something else: deep emotion.” The waiter brings a large plate of assorted salmon in varied hues of succulent pink, giving us a description of each. When he has gone, Fujiwara continues. “I am against market fundamentalism. It might be a very fair contest. But being fair is just a logical concept. It doesn’t mean much. It means being against weaker people, against less talented people. This gets on my nerves,” he concludes, the final flourish presumably emotional rejection rather than logical refutation." - from Lunch with the FT: Masahiko Fujiwara . Fujiwara is the author of The Dignity of a State , currently ...

Fig. 1 According to Chinese reports the U.S. and Japan have genetically engineered calves immune to Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, or BSE. We truly live in wondrous times.

A dolphin with legs has been captured : "Japanese researchers said Sunday a bottlenose dolphin captured last month has an extra set of fins that could be the remains of back legs” “The second set of fins - much smaller than the dolphin's front fins - are about the size of human hands and protrude from near the tail on the dolphin's underside. The dolphin measures 2.72 metres and is about five years old, the museum said. A freak mutation may have caused the ancient trait to reassert itself” Dolphins, as you may recall from school, were once four-legged land animals. At some point in the distant past they left the land for the sea (or “transitioned to an aquatic lifestyle”, as the anonymous wire service author of the article linked to above amusingly puts it). Why dolphins did this remains a mystery, possibly it was to avoid being eaten by dinosaurs. My own theory is they did it to get out of paying their heavy credit card debts. If dolphins are growing legs again, they mus...

When not eating former Kentucky Derby Winning race horses or ice cream which tastes like race horses, it would seem the Japanese people spend the day sending me emails. Hundreds of them. Unfortunately, the emails are all in Japanese, which I can’t read. But through that miracle of modern compu-tology known as Google Language Tools I’ve been translating them. One particularly profound correspondent wrote: Very the adult the community of atmosphere. When you express in one word, the maniac it is the sight where the people get together. It does not go with to the ripening woman, but well enough the woman of seniority being many, the shank. Because by his is still younger one, it had making to the people study who meet here various types. Color it is in sense. As for me when if anything the junior child is the taste, but good quality of seniority you tasted here. Rather than how you say, or there is a magnanimity, it is with the shank, settling, the [ru]. Well, even with the money regard...

The Japanese ate Ferdinand . Not some guy, Ferdinand the horse, winner of the 1986 Kentucky Derby and the 1987 Breeders’ Cup Classic. I like to mention this whenever the controversial (some would say inexplicably controversial) practice of eating horse meat is being discussed. Or whenever someone says anything related to Japan: “I’m going to Tokyo on business." “The Japanese ate Ferdinand.” “I bought a Sony flat screen.” “The Japanese ate Ferdinand.” “I love to eat sushi.” “Not as much as the Japanese love to eat Ferdinand.” In fact, I enjoying bringing it up on all sorts of occasions: “I think we should see other people.” “I think the Japanese ate Ferdinand.” “Why haven’t you called me?” “Why did the Japanese eat Ferdinand?” “Are you drunk again?” “I drink to forget the Japanese ate Ferdinand...or to remember...whatever, all I know is they ate him.”

The United States and Japan are upset with North Korea’s plans to test fire a long range missile . The missile, called the Taepodong-2, is believed to have a range of up to 9,300 miles. Little good can come from this, unless the missile lands on top of Nancy Grace . Meanwhile Australia, Britain and the United States are mad at Japan for wanting to end the moratorium on the great sport of whaling : With a majority vote for a declaration to return the International Whaling Commission to its original mission as a body that regulates whaling, Japan and other pro-whaling countries finally have gained the upper hand in a battle over a two-decade-old commercial whaling moratorium…The declaration approved at an IWC annual meeting in the Caribbean nation of St. Kitts and Nevis says the whaling moratorium is no longer necessary, and that whales, which consume a large number of fish, have posed a threat to food security for coastal countries. The declaration calls on the IWC to form policies a...

The Japanese have invented a robot for the home, named RI-MAN, capable of carrying a life-like, realistic sex doll in his robot arms. This is a tremendous breakthrough for feeble and lazy perverts of the life-like, realistic sex doll persuasion, who no longer have to get out of bed. In the future RI-MAN the robot may also be used to care for Japan’s elderly, so RI-MAN has been programmed to distinguish eight different kinds of smells. I’m guessing one is doo-doo smell, one is that weird old people smell, and one is banana pudding smell. That leaves five smells I’d rather not try and guess. In the future, experts tell us, America will use Mexican immigrants to take care of her excess elderly, and that with a little training many of them can be taught to distinguish as many smells (ocho) as RI-MAN . I wonder if this preference for Mexicans isn’t motivated by robo-phobic bigotry. It’s claimed Mexican immigrants are cheaper than robots. Perhaps, but look at RI-MAN’s hands - he could...

It’s no secret that the costs of aging populations pose an ever increasing threat to the economies of developed countries. 1 Now news from Japan suggests that the threat to civilization posed by oldies may be greater than mere economics: TOKYO (Reuters) - Crimes committed by elderly people in Japan have risen sharply in the past 15 years, a trend that has officials worried as the population ages rapidly due to longer lifespans and a falling birth rate. Police data shows that people aged 65 and older accounted for more than 10 percent of those arrested or taken into custody for crimes other than traffic violations in Japan in 2005, compared with just 2.2 percent in 1990, the Asahi newspaper said on Monday, citing National Police Agency data. Theft topped the list of crimes committed by the elderly in 2005, while 141 elderly people were arrested for murder -- more than three times the number in 1990, the newspaper said. Nearly one-third of the victims of crimes committed by the elderly...

Hello Tokyo! I first stumbled across Japan on a trip to Nippon, and was so impressed I forgot all about my original destination. The futuristic cityscape of Tokyo is like no place on earth. If Godzilla were alive today he would hardly recognize his old stomping grounds. I have terrible jet-lag. Crime in Tokyo is so low I can go anywhere with no worries someone is going to steal either of my two suitcases (one filled with bottles of beer, the other filled with a selection of liquor - the price of drinks is a bit excessive here). Tokyo pays young people to dress up as cartoon characters and interact with tourists, like Disneyland. Only it's better, because in Tokyo one can smoke cigarettes almost anywhere. But I am not in Tokyo to have a good time, I am here for sex. Specifically, I have come to attend a conference of Great Minds who have gathered to solve the crisis of Japan’s declining birthrate ('shoshika!' to those in the know). I was initially baffled by what littl...

En route to Japan on a long flight across the Pacific, my thoughts turn to England. It is no secret England has suffered a widespread decline in manners. Even British ghosts have become boors: one of the UK’s leading newspapers reports on a spectral presence dubbed the ‘Phantom Bumpincher’ for the lewd manner of his hauntings. This is sad, only a few generations ago even the rudest English ghosts never did anything worse than a little moaning and chain clanking . It’s not just England haunted by a Phantom Bumpincher, but my plane as well, or so I tell the cute stewardess who is now glaring at me and refusing to serve me any more drinks.