29 December 2008

Brief reviews of movies I haven’t seen 2008

I saw no new movies this year. These are reviews of some of them.

Frost/Nixon

Blatant rip-off of my proposed movie, Merv/Gerald, a dramatic recreation of President Ford’s history-making appearance on the Merv Griffin show.

Milk

I’m lactose intolerant.

Australia

A cowboy (played by Hugh Jackman), a beauty (played by Nicole Kidman), and Chaka from Land of the Lost (played by Chaka, from Land of The Lost) battle the Japanese in this “alternate history” of New Zealand.

The Spirit

More headache inducing comic-bookery from the makers of the headache inducing Sin City and 300. If you are one of those who think these movies are “visually dazzling” you might be mentally retarded.

Pineapple Express

The presence of my favorite actor Black Robert Downey Jr. was outweighed by the presence of my least favorite actor, the detestable Ben Stiller.

Rambo IV

Using a time machine, the military sends an elderly, chemically inflated Rambo back to the jungles of the Vietnam War for a few more rounds of gook killin’. Or at least that’s the impression I got from the commercials.

Spiderwick Chronicles

Spiderwick Chronicles gross (foreign and domestic) $162,839,672. Whitby Sequence gross (foreign and domestic): $0.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

What sort of defectives think they are improving something by adding Keanu? The same sort of defectives who don’t notice every movie they remake is inevitably worse than the original because everyone remaking it is defective.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired

Documentary about the decades of persecution the acclaimed director has endured since drugging and anally raping a 13 year old girl, including winning an academy award.

Max Payne

Soon (I hope) the video game movie will be made redundant, and therefore obsolete, by the video game itself.

Iron Man

Soon (I hope) the comic book movie will be subsumed by the video game.

Incredible Hulk

How many versions of the Hulk do you fucking nerds need?

The Dark Knight

Poor Heath Ledger, he should have read Rickle’s Book:

[On the set of Run Silent, Run Deep] Burt Lancaster, a serious man, says to me [Don Rickles], "This is a serious movie, Don. You really need to know about submarines. It will help you in your character development if you know the intricate workings of the submarine."

Burt says all this as if we're about to be ordered to our battle stations.

Meanwhile, Gable is one of the most relaxed movie stars in the history of the business.

"Look," he tells me. "I'm a five o'clock guy."

"What does that mean, Mr. Gable?" I ask.

"It means, kid, that my day ends at five. Regardless. Five is scotch-and-soda time. And then I'm on my way home."

Every day at five, Gable sticks to his guns. Five o'clock comes and he's in the trailer. He enters as a Navy commander and exits as a Brooks Brothers model. Driving off the lot in his Bentley convertible, he waves goodbye as he passes through the security gates

Twilight

Draculas are boring and gay,

But they make teenage girls swoon.

So they won’t be going away,

Anytime soon.

Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys

Family of Blackulas suck blood, confront racism, try to escape "da hood", etc.

Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns

Why is this guy’s name in all his titles? Why is he playing a woman, but not for laughs? These are questions no white person can answer, since no white person has ever seen a Tyler Perry’s movie.

Day of the Dead

Dead Space: Downfall

Diary of the Dead

Quarantine

Tyler Perry’s Haitian Voodoo Vacation

Resident Evil: Degeneration

Only a partial list of zombie movies I didn’t see in 2008. Whereas Draculas are boring and gay, zombies are simply boring.

The Mummy 3

The mummy is the exotic, more flammable cousin of the zombie. Or is he?

Sex and the City: The Movie

A trio of she-zombies use undead vaginas to terrorize the men of New York, then go shopping.

Lou Reed’s Berlin

A Lou Reed (played by a zombie) terrorizes the city of Berlin by emitting horrible droning sounds.

The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants 2

Chilling. The most terrifying movie since The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants.



RELATED: Reviews of other movies I didn't see - 1, 2.

Where have you gone, Matha Mwamba? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you

Expensive, grandiose, unachievable - in essence Obama and his Obamanuts are proposing a Zambian Space Program for America.

Of course Edward Mukaka Nkoloso was never allowed to spend any money, and he was joking