29 August 2005

Nothing about Swaziland

An article in Slate today by an authoress named Meghan O'Rourke begins:
A man who doesn't want to watch his wife give birth is a jerk. This was the overwhelming consensus reached by a host of respected blogs after the publication last Tuesday in the New York Times of a piece by a therapist noting an unhappy trend: A number of his male patients have reported that after witnessing their wives have babies they no longer feel attracted to them. "I mean, how are you supposed to go from seeing that to wanting to be with …?" one husband asked, unable to finish his sentence. It made no difference that these men were patients in search of help, not Neanderthals who'd ditched their wives; the bloggers—many of whom are usually temperate—were outraged. "Would it hurt if I call you a big pussy?" one woman queried, adding, "Luckily for me, I didn't marry a total asshole, so I didn't have this problem." According to one post, a husband who finds his libido gone in the wake of the delivery room merits the same scorn we'd direct at a man who leaves a woman after finding out that she has a black grandparent.
I happened to have made a few comments in response to the blog post mentioned above, including one beginning:
For most of human history men would not go anywhere near women when they were giving birth, the bizarre and pointless practice of the man watching the process is a recent ‘innovation’
In her essay Ms. O’Rourke remarks:
“For most of human history, of course, men didn't go anywhere near women in labor, and any expectation that they would is relatively new”
Ms. O’Rourke continues by explaining the origin of the nutty and pointless practice of men watching their wives give birth:
This changed in the 1960s, when a doctor named Robert Bradley put power in patients' hands, reducing the number of Caesarean sections and episiotomies he performed and playing up natural ways of making childbirth less painful. One method, he discovered, was to invite the husband in to have him talk to his wife—a practice popularized in the 1970s. Putting husbands in the delivery room not only coincided with feminism but was intimately wrapped up with the natural childbirth movement and its effort to see the modern body in a more holistic fashion.
While it seems Ms. O’Rourke is a fan of my brilliant insights, it’s unfortunate she either didn’t read, or intentionally suppresses, the rest of my comment:
My research suggests that the notion [of husbands watching their wives give birth] originated with and was propagated by a KGB psy-op during the Cold War, with the intent of causing exactly the type of trauma to the male psyche as described by the poor bastards in the NYTimes article.
My investigation is in the early stages, but we know for a fact that Dr. Bradley was influenced by the work of Dr. Ferdinand Lamaze, whom he met in the late 1950’s. Lamaze “had witnessed women in the Soviet Union giving birth without anesthesia” and was influenced by a psychologist from the USSR named Velvovsky. I suspect it is only a matter of time before someone unearths a KGB file detailing the entire operation, and how Velvosky (who may have not have even been an agent himself) was used by Communist spymasters to plant the seed for this wrongheaded and debilitating practice into Western medicine. Note too that the earliest adopters and promoters of these birth practices were all on the cultural Left, which, 'coincidentally' was a movement infiltrated and compromised by the KGB.

And what do you call it? A broatee? A goateard?


Watching the 5:00 local news on the television today I saw two stories (one about a hit and run accident, the other about high gas prices) featuring interviews with men sporting a beard and a goatee at the same time (similar to the illustration at left). Did I witness something improbable? Or is this an increasingly popular style in facial hair that I've hitherto not noticed?

28 August 2005

Loud music, whippings, thousands of dancing bare-breasted virgins

Swaziland, of all places, is in the news again:
The king of Swaziland's daughter was whipped by a palace official at a party of teenage virgins ahead of a festival where more than 50,000 maidens are available to become her father's 13th wife, media said on Sunday.

Princess Sikhanyiso, 17, told the Times of Swaziland a palace official whipped girls, including beauty queen Miss Swaziland, at the party as a punishment after they refused to turn down the music.
Can you imagine our democratically elected President having a government official give a whipping to his obnoxious daughters the next time they misbehave? Of course not, and their lack of manners indicates neither can Bush’s daughters. While disappointing, it is not surprising. Unlike Kings, who are instinctively concerned with custom and decorum, in a democracy not only is there no incentive for a leader to promote manners, doing so is actually a liability, as in order to be elected a head of state must grovel before the mob of ordinary voters most of whom have no manners themselves. Can any reasonable person continue to deny the superiority of monarchy, that democracy is a fad (the polyester leisure suit of political arrangements), and like all fads destined to be laughed at by future generations?

The culmination of the above mentioned festival is called the Reed Dance Ceremony. It’s sort of a combination of spring break, speed dating, and the reality show ‘The Bachelor’, at which "Thousands of bare-breasted virgins will dance" in front of Swaziland’s King for the fun of it and for the chance of marrying him.

Further reading: photos of the Reed Dance Ceremony and the thousands of bare-breasted Swaziland virgins.

Bonus: Gay News Roundup!

21 August 2005

Torpor

There’s been minimal content here lately as I’ve been focusing on doing the world’s business. Herakleitos once said “Even sleeping men are doing the world’s business and helping it along.” Indeed. Herakleitos also said “The sun is one foot wide”. He was a little off with that one.

Speaking of the sun, if the sum of my heart’s ambition were a single, foil-wrapped pat of butter (and it is), the sun, whatever his width, has succeeded in melting it. So don’t expect me to make pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. By ‘make pancakes’ I mean ‘do anything useful’. Which includes making actual pancakes.

Another thing Herakleitos said was “My favorite size for a pancake is one foot wide”. Now that I think about it it might have been some fat guy sitting behind me on the bus who said that. I can’t remember. But either him or Herakleitos.

Despite my lethargy, I’m cheered (and surprised) by the following news:

1) The media is finally noticing the immigration problem.

2) The box office for summer movies is down. Summer television ratings are at an all time low. I would like to believe this is because the public has finally realized that most movies and television shows made today are shit.

3) Swaziland has overturned an asinine and draconian law prohibiting sex with unmarried teenage girls.

15 August 2005

Odd

The above photo of a UFO was taken in New Hampshire in 1870. If you look closely you can see a swastika on the side of the UFO. The swastika is an ancient Hindu symbol. Could it be a photo of a Vimana Aircraft?

The heat is getting to me

According to WFMY News 2:

Wealthy People Allegedly Conned Out Of Millions

This is news? Really, what else would you expect? If you tried to con poor people out of millions you would either have to con a dollar or two from millions of poor people, or else con a dollar or two a day from one poor person for millions of days, neither of which is practical.

In more interesting news, a giant baby the size of a man has been terrorizing the UK.

10 August 2005

America: a land increasingly silly

"The owner of an ostrich ranch is planning to shut down after losing a lawsuit against hot-air balloonists he says panicked his birds into a lethal stampede."
In other news, tiny hairdresser and sometime actor Ezzy Dame has admitted to lying about being one of the original Ooompa Loompas.

A poem by Weldon Kees

1926

The porchlight coming on again,
Early November, the dead leaves
Raked in piles, the wicker swing
Creaking. Across the lots
A phonograph is playing Ja-Da.

An orange moon. I see the lives
Of neighbors, mapped and marred
Like all the wars ahead, and R.
Insane, B. with his throat cut,
Fifteen years from now, in Omaha.

I did not know them then.
My airedale scratches at the door.
And I am back from seeing Milton Sills
And Doris Kenyon. Twelve years old.
The porchlight coming on again.

- Weldon Kees

09 August 2005

07 August 2005

Now I get up around whenever

The next time you hear someone arguing the youth of America are too slothful to compete in the global marketplace bring up Arup Manna of India, arguably the laziest boy in the world, who has been asleep for 11 months.

His parents have been unable to find a way to wake him. I would advise them to try a bear. Not only are bears great at waking people up, they are also inspiring motivators.

01 August 2005

Sea Monster

Even though Man has explored her for centuries, the briny cesspool known as the ocean still has her secrets. I’m referring, of course, to recent events in Ningbo City of Zhejiang Province, China, where the ocean, perhaps as a joke, but more likely as an insult, sloshed the enormous remains of a (possibly) hitherto unknown creature onto Ningbo City beach. The Chinese media reports:

...a fisherman for over ten years, said “I have never seen such a monster; it was larger than a whale.”

It was first seen by villagers on July 20, according to Mei who breeds fish nearby, and is nearly 12 meters long and weighs around 2 tons, according to district sea and fishery bureau staff.

The animal reportedly has a long thin head and a snout nearly one meter long.

...it has been impossible to identify, but has been described as having some hair, and orange stripes across a three to four-meter wide belly. The skull, which alone weighs over 100 kg, and coccyx of the creature have fallen from its body.


Undoubtedly the ocean, in parts yet uncharted, teems with such disgusting blobs – and worse. Given that most of the sea creatures science has managed to catalogue are also repulsive, I believe my stance of never immersing myself in the ocean has never been more justified.

Almost as disturbing as the sea monster depicted in the photo is the appearance of the beach itself, as it seems to resemble a gigantic waffle iron. Why is this? Did the Chinese bosses do it to make skipping work to go to the shore undesirable? Or do the Chinese use their beaches to cook giant waffles?