27 April 2006

Give us your tired, your ingrown, your pimpled masses

According to Auditor Brian Sonntag, last year Washington State spent:

"more than $83 million in payments for thousands of illegal immigrants' medical expenses.

Half of that money came from the federal government, which only allows its share of Medicaid to be spent on undocumented immigrants in emergencies.

The state was paying providers for non-emergency care, including treatments for ingrown toenails, dental care and acne, auditors said."

Note to lawyers

New research that could, in the right circumstances, be used as the basis for an innovative legal defense: Male Rivalry Increases When Females At Most Fertile.

20 April 2006

It's April 21st

...and everybody knows today is Earth Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday...

The slow motion tragedy of the Cassville Cave Boy continues. The media, with its typical short attention span (and likely confused by the rescue of the imposter Cave Boy) has already moved on to more important stories:
Hardee's is piling on the beef in its latest offering, the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger. It's basically a giant burger combined with a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich.

The meat-on-meat monster has a-third of a pound of ground Angus beef, Swiss and American cheeses, green peppers and onions, and thinly sliced steak meat. It's not for the diet-conscious. Hardee's says the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger packs more than 900 calories and 63 grams of fat.
Meanwhile in a pinching cave, Cave Boy endures the the freezing hours away. Though to be fair, that is one humongo sammich.

In the unlikely event Cave Boy isn't dead two weeks and two days from now, can someone remind me to use some of the money I earn wagering on the 132nd Running of the Kentucky Derby to buy him one of those enormous revolting sandwhiches, and then lower it down him on a string?

In yet more tragic cave news (if I've learned anything from Cave Boy's accident it's that tragic cave news is all around, once you open your eyes to it), a body was found in a suitcase in a cave near Nourlangie Rock in Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory in Australia in the Southern Hemisphere:

Police are preparing a file for the coroner on the case...A file is being prepared for the coroner.”

Am I alone in wondering if this murder is somehow connected to the cave death of Swami?

19 April 2006

Spelunking II: Cave Boy, freed or forsaken?

Is the Cave Boy crisis over? According to a story published in the Springfield News-Leader, which describes the rescue of a boy from the cave (Rockhouse Cave) near Cassville, it is:
“Rescue crews spent more than five hours Tuesday extricating an injured Springfield Public Schools student from a cave near Cassville.
The 13-year-old fell or slipped and hurt his back while climbing a slope in the cave during a school field trip.”
But note the age of the boy: thirteen. As careful readers surely recall, the age of the Springfield Cave Boy was fourteen, meaning the rescued boy is an entirely different cave victim, or possibly a hoaxer - a Cave Boy copy-cat if you will. Meanwhile the real Cave Boy lies a moldering, trapped somewhere within the bowels of Rockhouse Cave, forgotten by all. Except me. Although the cave itself looks pretty happening:



Why our ancestors ever left stylish caves for shoddy, miserable huts I’ll never know. Swami was on to something.

As for Cave Boy, the original Cave Boy, things look bleak. I fear his only hope is if I’m able to generate publicity of his predicament by cashing a gigantic tri or superfecta ticket in Cave Boy's honor at the 132nd Running of the Kentucky Derby. Wish me luck.

Spelunking

Approximately five miles east of Cassville, Missouri, on the edge of the Mark Twain National Forest, a Springfield boy is trapped in a cave. I’m setting up an account in order to raise a minimum of $10,000 in donations on behalf of the Springfield Cave Boy. Two weeks and 5 days from now I will wager these donations on the 132nd Running of the Kentucky Derby. I will re-invest 50% of any winnings at other horse tracks, the rest I will squander. This I promise you, Cave Boy.

In other tragic cave news, this time from the Island of Tobago:
“the body of “Swami,” a well-known figure in the Plymouth area, was found in a cave on a beach in the vicinity of the Arnos Vale Hotel on Sunday.”
No one had seen Swami for a month, last Sunday a villager dropping by Swami's grotto nosed his corpse. Swami had lived in the cave for the past 30 years, and by all accounts had a good time doing it. Think of Swami at the end of the month when your rent check or mortgage is due.

Goodbye, Swami. I’m sure if he weren’t trapped in a cave five miles east of Cassville, Missouri, Cave Boy would be saying goodbye to you, too.

17 April 2006

I stopped trying long ago

In Science News: Research Could Lead To Better Drugs And Whiter Whites. The genius behind this breakthrough, Professor Nigel Scrutton, is, predictably, already being attacked in certain quarters for ‘racism’.

And it isn’t just Scrutton; certain Leftoids have accused the Duke Lacrosse team of racism for hiring a black stripper. Of course we all know these cretins would call men who refused to hire a black stripper racist as well. There’s no pleasing these people, which is why it’s best not to try.

Which is what my advice would have been to golfer Tiger Woods for handling the sham-controversy he recently found himself embroiled in. As I’m sure you’ve heard already:
“asked about his play on the last day at Augusta, Woods replied: "I putted atrociously today. Once I got on the greens, I was a spaz."

The British-based disability organization Scope, formerly The Spastics Society, said of Woods' comments:

"Although in the US the term 'spaz' may not be as offensive as it is here in the UK, many disabled people here will have taken exception to his likening a golf stroke to that of 'a spaz.”
This is sheer idiocy.1 By any objective measure, even at his worst Tiger Woods putts exponentially better than the best spastic golfer. Therefore by comparing himself to a spastic, Woods was, in effect, paying spastics a tremendous compliment.

It’s a characteristic of our times how so many people, not just spastics, are offended by compliments. Try complimenting a woman for having lovely tits, for example, and see what it gets you. We are embroiled in an age of easy affront.

1It saddens me to criticize The Spastics Society, since part of The Spastics Society's mission is helping spastics get drunk, something I fully support.

12 April 2006

Gef the talking mongoose: the photographic evidence

Remember Gef the talking mongoose? I recently stumbled across this astounding photograph of him:

Gef, the Talking Mongoose on the ridge of a sod hedge at Cashen's Gap, the Isle of Man.



Photo courtesy the imgage gallery of the Fortean Times.

Niall, meet hammer

The “celebrity historian” Niall Ferguson1 recently applied his keen intellect to the illegal immigration question [America's problem isn't immigration - it's education]. There are numerous errors in Ferguson's essay, some minor, some not so minor, but only one error is necessary to address, as it’s embedded within his conclusion, and therefore its existence is utterly fatal to his entire line of reasoning. Ferguson writes:
"It makes no sense to jeopardise the benefits of globalisation to protect the employment prospects of high-school dropouts. So here's a modest counter-proposal for the House of Representatives. Instead of building an expensive, hideous and probably ineffective new Iron Curtain, why not use the money to get this simple message across to the kids in America's high schools: If you flunk, you're sunk. Yes, boys and girls, academic achievement is the only route to decent employment in an economy at the top of the technological food chain. Drop out of education without qualifications, and you'll be lucky to get a job alongside the Mexicans picking fruit or stacking shelves.

Sounds kind of harsh, I know. But a second Great Depression sounds a lot harsher."
Actually, coming from the Laurence A. Tisch Professor of History at Harvard University it sounds more facile than harsh. But the reason to reject Ferguson’s “modest counter-proposal” is not because of how it sounds, but because - and here is Ferguson’s fatal error - mass immigration increases the number of Americans who are poorly educated. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the high school dropout rate of first and second generation Hispanics is nearly twice that of non-Hispanics. Even more disturbing, the educational attainment of Hispanics improves little over time, as only 41% of fourth generation Mexican Americans graduate from high school.

How can Ferguson be unaware of such easily discovered data? This may sound harsh, but he must be so convinced of his own brilliance it never occurred to him to do the slightest bit of research.

1As his publicists tirelessly remind us, he's been called “the most talented British historian of his generation”, which, sadly, may even be true.

10 April 2006

Lost Cloud

Clouds. We’ve all seen them up in the sky, floating soundlessly, puffy and innocuous. But it turns out not all clouds are innocuous. Scientists have discovered a species of cloud that destroys the ozone layer, and according to the experts this type of cloud has been doing so for years, unnoticed until now. As if this weren’t disturbing enough, these clouds are filled with nitric acid. For what legitimate purpose would a cloud need nitric acid?

Elsewhere - other types of unusual cloud:
One pleasant summer morning in 1975, an Oyster Bay, New York, science teacher named Tom D'Ercole was in his driveway about to enter his car when he took a last glance up at the sky. There, hovering above the roof of his house, he saw a small dark cloud unlike the occasional cumulocirrus clouds that were floating by at a much higher altitude.


"The 'cloud' seemed to move and slightly enlarge as I watched it," D'Ercole related. "This basketball-sized 'cloud' floated back and forth across the peak of the roof, changing in shape from a small globular mass to a larger ovoid and finally becoming an abstract, multicurved, dark, vaporous 'something.' It finally measured about six feet in height and 11/2 feet in width."

Stunned and unable to think of a rational explanation, he continued to watch in disbelief as events took an even stranger turn. The cloud seemed to inhale, purse its "lips," and direct a stream of water toward him and the car, soaking both. After a minute the spray stopped, and the cloud vanished instantly.

After changing his clothes, D'Ercole took his wet shirt to Garden City Junior High School, where he worked, and ran a pH test on it. The precipitation was simply water.



The Lost Cloud, New York
André Kertész
American, New York City, 1937

Sign

I thought of a job Americans won’t do, or at least I predict many Americans won’t be doing this November come election time, and that’s lifting a finger to elect Republicans who’ve betrayed America in favor of illegal immigrants. Watching the television coverage of the illegal alien marches I noticed a man carrying a sign saying “Bush is the real criminal,” and I laughed as it occurred to me the Republicans choosing illegal aliens against the expressed wishes of their own constituents really are stupid enough to think the illegals will be grateful to them for it.

06 April 2006

The crystals or ghosts become beautiful

"Mr. Emoto and colleagues decided to see how thoughts and words affected the formation of untreated, distilled, water crystals, using words typed onto paper by a word processor and taped on glass bottles overnight…The waters were then frozen and photographed..." - Miraculous Messages from Water

You Make Me Sick, I Will Kill You

Love and Appreciation

“People who have seen ghosts report seeing them in water or in places where there is a lot of humidity. It's as if the imprint of the soul, which is in the form of water, suddenly takes form when surrounded by water or moisture -- much like a mirage.

And so, looking at the pictures of the water crystals and the impact they are having, I came to the realization that these themselves are ghosts. Up until now, I had thought of ghosts as something to be frightened of, something that we could do nothing about. But watching these crystals, I realized that by simply projecting beautiful music and words onto them, the crystals or ghosts become beautiful. If that's the case, there's nothing to be frightened of. We need to let everybody know about this, and all use beautiful words and offer beautiful music, and create beauty in the environment.” – Dr. Masaru Emoto

05 April 2006

121 Skulls

Today while standing on the street corner enjoying a cigarette (Seattle is yet another ‘progressive’ city which has banned smoking indoors; progressive being a popular euphemism for leftist authoritarianism), I reflected on how if I liked being outside I would have taken up jogging or riding about on a unicycle for a hobby instead of smoking. It was at this moment of legally induced vulnerability that my former colleague, Professor Glen Morangie, descended upon me.

Morangie, who I had not seen for some time, was (typically) in the midst of a crisis. The good professor explained he had been for the past two months doing research in China and parts of Tibet, and while there his prized skull collection, consisting of 121 skulls, had been lost or stolen in transit at some point during a rail journey. Among Morangie’s many mental disorders he is unable to sleep in hotels without first counting each and every one of the 121 skulls in his collection, so it is vital the 121 skulls are returned to him. Knowing this space counts many readers in positions of influence, he asked if I might get the word out.

So if you, or anyone you know, recently found or no anything about a collection of 121 skulls in Asia, please email the professor at prof.morangie@gmail.com.

In other news: Sun not so dangerous after all.

03 April 2006

Sun still dangerous as ever, if not more so

Whenever I read The Tide News, the most outstanding newspaper on this globe we call Earth (The Tide’s motto: ‘a commitment to truth’), I learn something. Recently reading The Tide I learned:

A noble feature of the African society before the advent of colonialism and imperialism was that it stood eminently on solid ground and reveled in cherished liberties, economic abundance freedom and peaceful co-existence.

It’s possible the author of this essay (who I think is a politician) is being funny on purpose. Assuming he’s not, if his view of history is widely held in Africa it would go a long way in explaing why the people there never seem to appreciate all the wonderful things like food, medicines, vaccines, glasses, that Live Aid song, used underpants, assault rifles, etc., we in the West bestow on them out of love or misplaced guilt (which are the same thing, really).

Speaking of The Tide, I reproduce the following articles from the Tide, both on the subject of fashion, in their entirety, for your reading pleasure. Enjoy:
Tube boob

Gone are those days when it was a taboo for a lady to put on a boob tube out of her house. Then, it was seen as a sign of irresponsibility to wear such dress that would expose their breast. But today, this is history. Boob tube is one of the most popular designs in town, which holds the attraction for many and draws attention at different outings.

The wonderful cleavages of the boob tube accompanied with the right earrings and necklace makes it gorgeous, especially if you have a fantastic shape. Indeed ladies now enjoy wearing it because it brings out the best in them. “It comes out in beautiful designs that make wearer look smart. Sometime, it has to go with a long skirt or trousers.

There is no function you go to without seeing ladies wearing the top”. Said Amina, a boob tube lover.

Boob tube comes in traditional casual and corporate designs. What makes it quite dynamic is that it could be sewn in form of blouse or gown. Ladies enjoy wearing it because it brings out the beautiful complexion and shape on their boobs which usually attract guys.

It’s all about tummy-teasing

To say that most fashion-conscious ladies can be so daring is to say the least and an understatement. In the name of fashion, most adventurous Nigerian women are so much eager to flaunt what has hitherto been kept secret.

At a time therefore, when much emphasis is placed on indecent dressing, some of the fashion ladies are yet to see whatsoever to hide their belly bottons behind their large belts or clothes.

For these tummy-teasers as they are fondly called they have no business with covering their navels in the name of wearing clothes.
To them, it is all about tummy-teasing. Hence, even when the blouse length covers the navel level, the navel portion has to be severed for it to be exposed
.

Cocktails and foxes

The trendy new cocktail has human embryonic stem cells in it, which is revolting, though not as awful as the Chocotini. With the return of warmer weather, why not have a Remsen Cooler instead? Cutting the lemon spiral is a fun thing to make your bartender do.

Elsewhere: Why foxy women have smaller brains.

Spolf-pilf

The Dalai Lama says “If there is one Bin Laden killed today, soon there will be 10 Bin Ladens. Awesome.”

Lama and friend.


Why is this awesome? I’m mystified. Another mystery is why I'm supposed to care what some random guy (he is, read how he got his job)1 in a bathrobe and flip-flops thinks. If you are incapable of wearing appropriate shoes I really doubt you've managed to hit upon a solution for world peace that would actually work.

1According to the Lama's autobiography he got the job in part because he was a greedy child:

"toys attractive to a small boy were presented to the three year old Lhamo Thondup (the child Dalai Lama's original given name). The child...correctly identified only those items that were his in his former life, saying 'It's mine, It's mine.'"