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Showing posts from March, 2009

A squirreled pate will grow bald

Possibly a sign of the apocalypse, squirrels are going bald in Kansas. Local authorities are urging calm and are seeking volunteers willing to approach bald squirrels in the wild and daub Rogaine on their heads. Contact the Kansas Department of Wildlife and Parks in Wichita if you would like to help.

Globalization ain't easy

A visit to the chain bookstore

Glen Beck’s A Christmas Sweater adjacent to Samuel Beckett’s Malone Dies.

Multiple books by Nicholas Sparks, no books by Muriel Spark.

Reading bad books is like smoking bad cigarettes. Smoke or read what’s good, or don’t smoke or read at all.

Few people browsing Literature, many browsing Mysteries. Hard boiled sleuths, funny sleuths, brainy sleuths. Crippled sleuths, sleuths of all races, sleuths of all sexual persuasions, sleuths from every corner of the globe. Sleuths from the past, sleuths from the future, seemingly every possible permutation of sleuth…no competitive eating sleuths, make a note of it.

Disturbing chap going through the True Crime titles like it’s the How-To section. Avoid eye contact.

Wide selection of self-help books, yet no Controlling Your Inner Serial Killer book despite obvious need.

No reason to linger in the American History section. Lots of books about Lincoln, none about Polk. No anti-American Revolution books.

No Spooky Tooth in the music section.

Magazi…

What the well dressed spaceman is wearing

While walking her dog in Norwich a woman had a close encounter with a stylish spaceman:
The RAF report stated: “She was approached by a man who asked her if she would listen to what he had to say. She described the man as 5ft 9in, fair hair, with a Scandinavian type accent and dressed in a light brown garment similar to a flying suit.The brown jumpsuit is a classic look for extraterrestrial visitors, particularly in suede, going all the way back to 1914. Notice how the various spacemen mix things up with different types of footwear.

A Grey Alien spotted in Philadelphia went with a more casual, colorful approach :
Barbara went to the men’s dept in JC Penney. While there she saw a creature that looked like an extraterrestrial. There was another woman present with her young children. She says they were rushing out of the area. Her son saying, “I want to see” and the mother replying “No you can’t, let’s go now!” Barbara in her wheelchair saw a grey man approximately 4 ½ feet tall, wearing…

Blood, shams and shenanigans

Anger in the accursed town of Whitby over donors being charged to give blood. Imagine the fury if Whitbians knew most of their donated blood goes not to hospitals but to local necromancers for use in occult rituals. There would be riots in Whitby’s doo-doo bestrewn streets.

Whitby isn’t the only place where strange, bloody things are going on. In Ghana a man took a ride with some men in black in “a green ford bus (with tainted glass)” and barely escaped with his life:
What was supposed to be an incident free ride from Pokuase, near Achimota to Suhum in the Eastern Region, landed a 29-year old man in a mysterious room surrounded by men drawling blood from his legs. “Lying half conscious on a sheepskin and surrounded by lighted candles in a very large hall, my only prayer was on how to make it back home alive. Through my half-opened eyes, I could see three naked girls across the hall with their hands tied behind them, and above me was a very large mirror built into the ceiling from whic…

Tirty Tree and a Turd

I’m under the weather, so instead of participating in the contrived drunkenness of St. Patrick’s Day I’m staying in and watching Leprechaun: In the Hood, the fifth installment in the Leprechaun series of motion pictures and arguably the greatest Irish film of all time.

RELATED: Nov. 06, 1957. Everittstown, New Jersey.

Dispatch from Udupi

Construction of a 67-foot tall statue of Charlie Chaplin on a beach in Udupi, India, came to a halt after angry Hindu protestors complained, “Chaplin is a Christian and his contribution to India is nil.” Actually Chaplin wasn’t much of a Christian. His contribution to India was nil, but as this picture proves he at least met the great Gandhi once (I imagine the puny perverts discussed the cruelty and injustice of heightism and statutory rape laws).

Arguably the statue would damage Udupians mental health, a monumental depiction of the pathetic, unfunny clown constantly looming over inducing nightmares and widespread feelings of dread and unease. That objection may be so obvious the angry Hindus didn’t feel the need to mention it.

Gamya gamana

Was my cynicism premature? A major medical breakthrough in Indonesia could mean we truly can “fix” health care:
A month ago Ponari was hit by lightning, according to his story. When he regained consciousness there was a stone on top of his head [Obviously Ponari wasn’t struck by lightning, he was hit by a meteor – CVC]. He threw it away but the stone came back so he took it home. There he discovered the healing effects of the stone: a neighbour healed of fever after he had touched it, the village head got rid of a bad pain in his arm and the local police officer, a pious Muslim, swears he has seen with his own eyes how Ponari healed a boy who had not spoken a single word for five years.

The news about the miraculous healings spread quickly and people started to flood to the small village of Balongsari, a few hours drive from Surabaya. First dozens, then hundreds, and now there are thousands. They bring cups, bottles and buckets of water in which the boy wonder plunges his stone. This …

Like a treasure coming to the surface

The Waldgang is not to be understood as a form of Anarchism directed against world technology (technik), although this is a temptation, particularly for those who strive to regain a myth. Undoubtedly, mythology will appear again. It is always present and arises in a propitious hour like a treasure coming to the surface, but man does not return to the realm of myth, he re-encounters it when the age is out of joint and in the magic circle of extreme danger... - Ernst J√ľnger.

The plan keeps coming up again

I’ve noticed many remain confused about how, exactly, Obama and his Obamanuts are going to get us out of the economic mess we are in, but fundamentally the plan is quite simple.

Replace the word “spend” with “invest”. This ingenious maneuver transforms what would have been wasteful government spending into worthwhile investment for the future.

Invest in education. This will make everyone really smart.

Invest in "Green Power". This will lead to the discovery of a cheap, non-polluting energy source.

Have government take over health care. This will improve health care and make it cost less.

These investments will produce an explosion of wealth unlike any in human history, and thus pay for themselves an Obamamillion times over. The future America is a gleaming technotopia teeming with geniuses. Visualize driving an eco-friendly flying car to a free medical check-up. This strategy may have a few minor flaws, but surely those will be worked out.

Win a prize

Recent cartoon “controversies” reminded me of this, the only actually funny thing to ever appear in an Archie comic. I laughed at this cartoon, too. Prevailing opinion deems my laughter sinful, though I’ve noticed no one is able to explain why (if you can, I will send you a free watermelon). Such a grossly superstitious age we live in.

CVC bests Buffett

My economic prediction from last year looks more and more accurate every day.