25 March 2009

A visit to the chain bookstore

Glen Beck’s A Christmas Sweater adjacent to Samuel Beckett’s Malone Dies.

Multiple books by Nicholas Sparks, no books by Muriel Spark.

Reading bad books is like smoking bad cigarettes. Smoke or read what’s good, or don’t smoke or read at all.

Few people browsing Literature, many browsing Mysteries. Hard boiled sleuths, funny sleuths, brainy sleuths. Crippled sleuths, sleuths of all races, sleuths of all sexual persuasions, sleuths from every corner of the globe. Sleuths from the past, sleuths from the future, seemingly every possible permutation of sleuth…no competitive eating sleuths, make a note of it.

Disturbing chap going through the True Crime titles like it’s the How-To section. Avoid eye contact.

Wide selection of self-help books, yet no Controlling Your Inner Serial Killer book despite obvious need.

No reason to linger in the American History section. Lots of books about Lincoln, none about Polk. No anti-American Revolution books.

No Spooky Tooth in the music section.

Magazines, most about celebrities. Read the New Yorker, just the cartoons, then put it back. A vast selection of magazines about rappers to read while listening to rappers rapping. Read a magazine about bowling.

In the discount section get a coffee table book about sweaters for only $9.99. A surprising number of professional wrestlers have written books, and you can get them for only $9.99.

Sparse crowd in the café. All stare, and seem, somehow, poised to strike.

What the well dressed spaceman is wearing

While walking her dog in Norwich a woman had a close encounter with a stylish spaceman:
The RAF report stated: “She was approached by a man who asked her if she would listen to what he had to say. She described the man as 5ft 9in, fair hair, with a Scandinavian type accent and dressed in a light brown garment similar to a flying suit.
The brown jumpsuit is a classic look for extraterrestrial visitors, particularly in suede, going all the way back to 1914. Notice how the various spacemen mix things up with different types of footwear.

A Grey Alien spotted in Philadelphia went with a more casual, colorful approach :
Barbara went to the men’s dept in JC Penney. While there she saw a creature that looked like an extraterrestrial. There was another woman present with her young children. She says they were rushing out of the area. Her son saying, “I want to see” and the mother replying “No you can’t, let’s go now!” Barbara in her wheelchair saw a grey man approximately 4 ½ feet tall, wearing a red/black plaid shirt and blue pants. He was standing by a clothes rack. She saw his profile and then looked away.
Was he shoplifting?

22 March 2009

Blood, shams and shenanigans

Anger in the accursed town of Whitby over donors being charged to give blood. Imagine the fury if Whitbians knew most of their donated blood goes not to hospitals but to local necromancers for use in occult rituals. There would be riots in Whitby’s doo-doo bestrewn streets.

Whitby isn’t the only place where strange, bloody things are going on. In Ghana a man took a ride with some men in black in “a green ford bus (with tainted glass)” and barely escaped with his life:
What was supposed to be an incident free ride from Pokuase, near Achimota to Suhum in the Eastern Region, landed a 29-year old man in a mysterious room surrounded by men drawling blood from his legs. “Lying half conscious on a sheepskin and surrounded by lighted candles in a very large hall, my only prayer was on how to make it back home alive. Through my half-opened eyes, I could see three naked girls across the hall with their hands tied behind them, and above me was a very large mirror built into the ceiling from which I could see myself lying naked. Around me were four men in black attired, who had injected some substance into my legs and were drawing blood from by body. I then felt dizzy and passed out”, Kwame Ampofo said in interview.
 Also in Ghana, ace reporter, private investigator and master prose stylist Anas Aremeyaw has the dirty details of a sordid sex scandal:
But barely fifteen minutes after the interview, our secret cameras captured a shocking scene that gave the distinct lie to her elegant assertions. Sordid and shocking shame of a business festering beneath the shallow surface; behind the sham and shenanigan; the shine and shimmer of her sharp answer. The same lady holding the erect manhood of a diplomat (whom this reporter had met in the spa) and massaging it until [continued]...
What Ghana lacks in material things she makes up for in alliteration.

17 March 2009

Tirty Tree and a Turd

I’m under the weather, so instead of participating in the contrived drunkenness of St. Patrick’s Day I’m staying in and watching Leprechaun: In the Hood, the fifth installment in the Leprechaun series of motion pictures and arguably the greatest Irish film of all time.

RELATED: Nov. 06, 1957. Everittstown, New Jersey.

15 March 2009

Dispatch from Udupi

Construction of a 67-foot tall statue of Charlie Chaplin on a beach in Udupi, India, came to a halt after angry Hindu protestors complained, “Chaplin is a Christian and his contribution to India is nil.” Actually Chaplin wasn’t much of a Christian. His contribution to India was nil, but as this picture proves he at least met the great Gandhi once (I imagine the puny perverts discussed the cruelty and injustice of heightism and statutory rape laws).

Arguably the statue would damage Udupians mental health, a monumental depiction of the pathetic, unfunny clown constantly looming over inducing nightmares and widespread feelings of dread and unease. That objection may be so obvious the angry Hindus didn’t feel the need to mention it.

08 March 2009

Gamya gamana

Was my cynicism premature? A major medical breakthrough in Indonesia could mean we truly can “fix” health care:
A month ago Ponari was hit by lightning, according to his story. When he regained consciousness there was a stone on top of his head [Obviously Ponari wasn’t struck by lightning, he was hit by a meteor – CVC]. He threw it away but the stone came back so he took it home. There he discovered the healing effects of the stone: a neighbour healed of fever after he had touched it, the village head got rid of a bad pain in his arm and the local police officer, a pious Muslim, swears he has seen with his own eyes how Ponari healed a boy who had not spoken a single word for five years.

The news about the miraculous healings spread quickly and people started to flood to the small village of Balongsari, a few hours drive from Surabaya. First dozens, then hundreds, and now there are thousands. They bring cups, bottles and buckets of water in which the boy wonder plunges his stone. This allegedly turns the water into a powerful panacea. Ponari is carried around by his father. He looks tired.
 Poor Ponari. It turns out lots of exciting things have been happening in Indonesia. For instance the sleepy village of Julah recently staged a gamya gamana:

Villagers from Julah in Tejakula, Buleleng, tow[ed] a pregnant cow behind a boat into open sea as part of a local traditional ritual.

The cow, which is five months pregnant, was thrown out to the sea about 3 kilometers from land Monday. The villagers believe the animal was impregnated by a village elder.

During the ritual the man, who was caught red-handed having sexual intercourse with the cow two months ago, joined the boat trip in order to throw away his clothes to to symbolize him discarding his sins.

Julah customary village head Ketut Sidemen said the ritual, called gamya gamana, or freak weeding, and had been conducted there for generations. The decision to perform the ritual was made a local residents meeting.

In line with customary regulations, the perpetrator, identified only as PS, 70, was sanctioned to fund the expensive ceremony, which aimed to cleanse him of any bad influences.
In certain parts of the vasty wilds, where humidity is favorable and necessity is dire, human/bovine mating happens all the time. See this report from Zambia:

A cow in Mazabuka in Southern Province has given birth to a half human being and half calf at Village 7 in Chief Mwanachingwala’s area, sending fears among villagers...The half-human-half -cow has all the features of a human being and part of the chest and the other half is that of a calf although there was a slight difference on eyes as the creature had one eye of a human being and another of a calf.

Chief Mwanachingwala, who confirmed the development to ZANIS in Mazabuka today said, the human-cow has since been buried by the owner, Mr Minister Hakaloma.
Remember the Murderous Cow of Nigeria? That evil beast stalked, then strangled its victims. Authorities were, understandably, baffled. How could a cow do such a thing? Besides, everyone knows cows are lovers, not fighters.

A cow couldn’t, of course. But a human-cow hybrid certainly could. We can’t say the mystery of the Murdering Cow has been solved, but we now have a prime suspect.

03 March 2009

Like a treasure coming to the surface

The Waldgang is not to be understood as a form of Anarchism directed against world technology (technik), although this is a temptation, particularly for those who strive to regain a myth. Undoubtedly, mythology will appear again. It is always present and arises in a propitious hour like a treasure coming to the surface, but man does not return to the realm of myth, he re-encounters it when the age is out of joint and in the magic circle of extreme danger...
 - Ernst Jünger.

The plan keeps coming up again

I’ve noticed many remain confused about how, exactly, Obama and his Obamanuts are going to get us out of the economic mess we are in, but fundamentally the plan is quite simple.

Replace the word “spend” with “invest”. This ingenious maneuver transforms what would have been wasteful government spending into worthwhile investment for the future.

Invest in education. This will make everyone really smart.

Invest in "Green Power". This will lead to the discovery of a cheap, non-polluting energy source.

Have government take over health care. This will improve health care and make it cost less.

These investments will produce an explosion of wealth unlike any in human history, and thus pay for themselves an Obamamillion times over. The future America is a gleaming technotopia teeming with geniuses. Visualize driving an eco-friendly flying car to a free medical check-up. This strategy may have a few minor flaws, but surely those will be worked out.

Win a prize

Recent cartoon “controversies” reminded me of this, the only actually funny thing to ever appear in an Archie comic. I laughed at this cartoon, too. Prevailing opinion deems my laughter sinful, though I’ve noticed no one is able to explain why (if you can, I will send you a free watermelon). Such a grossly superstitious age we live in.

CVC bests Buffett

My economic prediction from last year looks more and more accurate every day.