16 May 2010

Spring Things

In the spring a livelier iris gleams upon the burnished dove, and in Ochopee, Florida a young Bigfoot’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Dave Shealy, Bigfootologist and RV park owner, explains:
There are seven to nine Skunk Apes [Bigfoot’s “smaller, smellier cousin”] currently living in the Everglades and right now is the best time to spot one because it’s their mating season.

Lately, he’s heard lots of campers report strange sounds coming from the swamps…it’s the Skunk Ape’s mating call, which sounds like a low-pitched dove cooing.

Though Skunk Apes are generally shy, Shealy says women on their periods should be careful when hiking the area because the cryptoids are attracted to the scent of menstruation.

They’re also aroused by used lingerie, so female campers shouldn’t hang their panties out to dry because, in his words, “That’s like raising a flag and inviting them in.”

02 May 2010

Finding an Entrance Where They Can

29 April, 3:00 AM. I’m waiting in a vacant lot, about 20 clicks from the US/Canada border. A figure approaches.

“Did you hear about the Sichuan chef?” He asks.

You mean the Chinaman who got drunk, passed out, had an eel inserted into his anus by his so-called friends, then died because the slimy fish “ate his bowels”? What of it? In a nation of a billion people with easy access to eels that sort of thing is bound to happen.

“Take a closer look,” he says, then ambles off into the night.

1 May, 11:30 AM. At the Fashion Rock Café in Beijing I’m meeting with Miss Fong, Miss Feng, and Miss Fung, members of the ADC Irregulars, China branch.

“We have source at highest levels of government,” says Miss Fong.
“Chinese scientists genetical engineer eels into weapon,” says Miss Feng.

“Released into sewer eels programmed to swim up plumbing to toilet,” says Fung.

“From toilet eels enter anus holes of enemy peoples. Then eat bowels in gruesome manner,” says Fong.

“Lab accident result in some eels escape,” says Feng.

“Sichuan chef killed by one of the escaped eel. Prank story disinformation put out by authorities,” says Fung.

“To prevent panic,” says Fong.

“Now you must leave you in grave danger,” says Feng.

“Actually Fung say that,” says Fong.

2 May, 10:00 PM. I’m sitting in a diner in Vermillion, South Dakota. A waitress refills my coffee and asks, “What does this have to do with anything?”

No idea, baby. No idea.

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