29 April, 3:00 AM. I’m waiting in a vacant lot, about 20 clicks from the US/Canada border. A figure approaches.
“Did you hear about the Sichuan chef?” He asks.
You mean the Chinaman who got drunk, passed out, had an eel inserted into his anus by his so-called friends, then died because the slimy fish “ate his bowels”? What of it? In a nation of a billion people with easy access to eels that sort of thing is bound to happen.
“Take a closer look,” he says, then ambles off into the night.
1 May, 11:30 AM. At the Fashion Rock Café in Beijing I’m meeting with Miss Fong, Miss Feng, and Miss Fung, members of the ADC Irregulars, China branch.
“We have source at highest levels of government,” says Miss Fong.
“Chinese scientists genetical engineer eels into weapon,” says Miss Feng.
“Released into sewer eels programmed to swim up plumbing to toilet,” says Fung.
“From toilet eels enter anus holes of enemy peoples. Then eat bowels in gruesome manner,” says Fong.
“Lab accident result in some eels escape,” says Feng.
“Sichuan chef killed by one of the escaped eel. Prank story disinformation put out by authorities,” says Fung.
“To prevent panic,” says Fong.
“Now you must leave you in grave danger,” says Feng.
“Actually Fung say that,” says Fong.
2 May, 10:00 PM. I’m sitting in a diner in Vermillion, South Dakota. A waitress refills my coffee and asks, “What does this have to do with anything?”
No idea, baby. No idea.
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