25 October 2010

3rd Grade Memories

School

“When I grow up, I’m going to write things about white vans and blobs and dumb scientists. I’ll publish my musings electronically somehow.”

“You’re weird, Carter,” said Betty Lou, so I pulled her pigtails.

The Sweater

My parents made me wear an itchy turtle neck sweater so I “wouldn’t catch a cold”.

“Sweaters don’t kill germs,” I told them.

“Go to your room,” they told me.

“Pay attention,” I said to Mossy the Hobo. “If I lose the sweater, it’s too obvious, so I’m going to give you this dollar, and tomorrow when you see me walking with my mom you run out and steal the sweater from me. Don‘t screw it up.”

The next day I’m walking with my mother, and up strolls Mossy. He grabs the sweater, and starts pulling it off me. I put up a fight, to make it look good. A guy driving by sees the commotion. He jumps out of his truck and punches Mossy square in the face. Mossy crumples, and lies twitching in a pool of his own blood until the ambulance arrives.

The sweater was ruined, its arms stretched all to hell, so it all worked it out for the best.

Halloween

After trick or treating every other house in the neighborhood my friends and I arrived at the run down cottage at the end of the block inhabited by Granny Skuld, a mean old lady who everyone said put pins in apples and poison in candy and probably was a witch.

A vote decided Tony should go up and ring the bell, but he doesn't want to. “Tony, you go up there, or we will punch your fat belly until you cry,” we said, then hid in the shrubs to watch. He walked slowly up to her door and rang the bell. The door opened. He stood there silent and shaking for some time, then stepped into the house. The door slammed shut. Terrified, we ran away.

Back safe at our homes we tranquilized our fear with all the candy we had got. Like most children we had short attention spans, and soon forgot about Tony, whom we never liked much anyway. It was a shock when, three months later, some hunters found him, wandering naked in the woods outside of town. Strangely, he was even fatter than before his disappearance. He said he couldn't remember anything, and we kept our mouths shut.

White Gliding Ghostliness

Multiple attempts by at least two different drivers to lure children into white vans in the Pittsburgh area - six in the past three weeks. Police urge everyone to “stay alert”, but refused to comment when asked if they believe, as some do, that falling into a reverie causes the white vans to appear.

In Sydney, Australia, a man tried to “entice” a 12 year old girl into his white van. Earlier in the day in another part of town, a white van stalked a 15 year old boy on the way to school. Like a dreamer awoken from a nightmare the youth vividly recounted the terror he felt as the white van pursued him, but was “unable to provide a description of any occupants of the vehicle”. Police “don’t believe any of the incidents are linked”, despite the glaringly obvious white van connection.


A man in a white van was observed “fighting with himself” in Grass Valley, California.

A New Zealand woman was “grabbed on Te Ngae Rd and dragged into the back of a [white] car”. The woman escaped, and, inexplicably, a passing white van picked her up and took her to a police station. Confused police wish to speak with the white van’s driver, who like his evil counterparts was unidentified. 
An expert who monitors white van activity says we can expect it to “crescendo around Halloween”, whatever that means.

18 October 2010

Strange Rediscovery

The New York Times reports:
The city of Moberly, Mo., is stirred up over the discovery of a wonderful buried city, which was discovered at the bottom of a coal shaft, 360 feet deep, which was being sunk near the city. A hard and thick stratum of lava arches in the buried city, the streets of which are regularly laid out and enclosed by walls of stone...A hall 30 by 100 feet was discovered , wherein were stone benches and tools of all description for mechanical service. Further search disclosed statues and images of a substance closely resembling bronze...A stone fountain was found, situated in a wide court or street, and from it a stream of perfectly pure water was flowing...Lying beside the foundation were portions of the skeleton of a human being. The bones of the leg measured, the femur four and one-half feet, the tibia four feet and three inches, showing that when alive the figure was three times the size of an ordinary man...[cont.]

14 October 2010

Glorious Piles

An examination of nearly a thousand Egyptian and South American mummies revealed few incidences of cancer, leading researchers to conclude the disease is caused by the modern way of life, and me to conclude properly operated large stone pyramids prevent cancer.

04 October 2010

From North Yorkshire to Ashgabat

Others finally notice he monstrous evil of Whitby. The Whitby Gazette reports: “A Japanese television crew is currently filming in Whitby as part of an educational programme to be shown on NHK – Japan's equivalent of the BBC.”

While the NHK educates the Japanese people about Whitby’s dangers, the U.S. media continues to ignore the situation. I attribute this neglect to incompetence and irresponsibility, but I am beginning to wonder.

In Turkmenistan, where standards for clerical work are quite high, apparently, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov signed a decree “severely reprimanding” press secretary Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev for assorted malfeasances, including “failing to highlight”, and “improper organization”. The President then signed a decree relieving Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan Gochguly Saparlyev of his duties (“failing to fulfill responsibilities”), followed by a decree appointing Deputy Chairman of the chamber Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov acting Chairman of the Supreme Chamber of Control of Turkmenistan.

Yesterday, Turkmenistan police stormed the apartment of an unnamed street cleaner and arrested him, after neighbors reported overhearing him call for the assassinations of Kakageldi Chariyardurdiev, Gochguly Saparlyev, Gadyrgeldi Mushshikov, and Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov. Authorities later released the man, after determining he had only been gargling.