29 March 2012

Predictable

The Northern Echo reports:   
A Labour politician has stunned his town council colleagues by claiming his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers. 
Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council last month, said although he has had hundreds of close encounters with extra-terrestrials, it will not interfere with his mission to help residents at the seaside resort.
Speaking on YouTube, Coun Parkes said he first saw an alien at the age of eight months, when “a traditional kite-shaped face”, with huge eyes, tiny nostrils and a thin mouth appeared over his cot. 
He said: “Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’.”
He added: “I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain. 
“It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.” 
 …Parkes said his extraterrestrial beliefs “did not come up on the doorstep” while he was campaigning recently. 
He said: “For many people who don’t experience it, it’s very hard to accept. We are taught to only see and believe what we can touch, but it’s acceptable to believe in religion. 
“It’s a personal matter and it doesn’t affect my work. I’m more interested in fixing someone’s leaking roof or potholes. People don’t want me to talk about aliens. 
“I get more common sense out of the aliens than out of Scarborough Town Hall. The aliens are far more aware of stuff. People in the Town Hall seem not to be aware of the needs of Whitby.”


24 March 2012

That White Phantom Drives In All Imaginations


Near the River Ouse at Barlby, the sinister allure of the white van proved irresistible to a maniac (or does driving white vans turn normal men into maniacs?), who used one to run over a boy in a tent.

The BBC reports on "Sri Lanka's sinister white van abductions" (I wrote the BBC and asked them to stop stealing my material).

A white van crashed into the Town of Lee’s Nice-N-Easy “several times” before heading “south toward Rome” like Ceaser did in 49 BC, said a police schooled in ancient history, whom I made up. The motive for the attack is not known, which surprises none of us because incomprehensible motives is the white van modus operandi.

Warminster Township police are baffled by an incident where two men attempted to lure a teen into a gold van.  “Are you sure it was not a white van?” police asked her. The teen insists the van was gold. I will monitor this potential development.

In Minneapolis a perverted Mexican exposed himself to a young girl waiting at a bus stop. The crime occured at 11th Avenue North and Van White Memorial Boulevard.