Would the cook were of my mind

Exciting news from the campaign trail, the AP has asked presidential hopefuls what they like to cook. I believe it was a modern day Buddha with Hitlerian tendencies who said “By his cookery ye shall know him” (or something to that effect), and it’s true, with the proper analysis the various responses are quite revealing.

Democrats’ favorite thing to cook:

•Delaware Sen. Joe Biden: Pasta

Because Biden himself is damp and noodley, it’s his very nature. It’s obvious now, isn’t it? Speaking of pasta, at some point early in this century I made the decision to refer to all forms of pasta as Spaghetti, and though it took a while to get used to so far I've had no regrets. You should try it, it makes fine dining more fun.

•New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: "I'm a lousy cook, but I make pretty good soft scrambled eggs."

It’s truly sickening the way the Clintons make everything about their grotesque sex lives.

•Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd: "An August New England dinner: Lobster, corn and tomatoes."

I had no idea Dodd was running for President. He seems to have misheard the question “What do you like to cook” as “What do you enjoy having Teddy’s private chef serve you when you’re hanging at the Kennedy Compound?”

•Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards: Hamburgers

Served on soggy white bread, because Edwards doesn’t have any buns handy even though he’s rich. I have no actual evidence of this, but now that I’ve imagined it you have to admit it seems entirely plausible.

•Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Hot water, according to his wife, Elizabeth. Doesn't cook. A vegan, he favors fresh fruits and vegetables.

You know the saying “Give me a big woman, a little man, some hot water, a turnip, and I can take over the world”? That’s another thing a modern day Buddha that acts like Hitler once said. Does anyone favor fruits and vegetables that aren’t fresh?

•Illinois Sen. Barack Obama: Chili

Spicy brown chili, the kind your lady can’t get enough of. Get that, honky?

•New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: Diet milkshake

Because he’s fat, in case you hadn't noticed.

Republicans’ favorite thing to cook:

•Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: Beef

That's right, man food.

•Arizona Sen. John McCain: Baby-back ribs

That’s right, Southern man food, because he likes it, not because of anything to do with the South Carolina primary.

•Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Hamburgers or steak on the grill

That’s right, man food, on the grill, the way a man cooks it.

•Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: Rib-eye steak on the grill

I have no idea who this person is, but steaks with those rib-eye things in them are extra manly, and it’s on the grill. Are you listening, Biden? Stirring spaghetti is for girls and limp-wrists.

•California Rep. Duncan Hunter: Chicken fried venison

That sound you hear is Denny Kucinich starting to cry.

•Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: Hot dog

Not “hot dogs”, but “hot dog”, a hot dog, which he cuts into 12 equal pieces for his three wives and nine children.

•Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: Doesn't cook.

Finally, a sane response.