01 September 2008

Hell comes to Mahavilachchiya

India has given the world a lot, and that’s even if you don’t count all the diarhoea. Now India has given me the fantastic idea of building an elephant preserve in New Orleans. During good weather the elephants would be a tourist attraction, during a hurricane they would serve as a last resort means of escape. As a bonus you could occasionally let them out to stomp on the local thug population.

The Indonesian woman who grows metal wires out of her body has gone missing. Police think she’s been stolen by methheads.

Protestors in Pakistan are demanding an investigation after five Balochistan women were buried alive because three of the women married members of the wrong tribe. The Paki government doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about.

In Sri Lanka a woman had a six-inch long worm removed from her eyeball. Doctors there say the eyeball is becoming an increasingly popular place for worms to live, but they don’t know why.

Also in Sri Lanka, what can only be described as a gang of elephants broke into a brewery and got shitfaced.

Later the gang trampled to death a farmer, destroyed some crops, knocked down some houses, and pulled down “more than 50" coconut trees.


A particularly perverted pachyderm even tried to molest an old lady:
An elderly woman of Warakatuwa said that she had a narrow escape from a wild elephant. Narrating her gruesome experience she said “The time was about 12 midnight when I heard an unusual noise from the kitchen and the barking of dogs. When I lighted the bottle lamp, I noticed the trunk of an elephant that was pulling down the front door of the house.
I may have to reconsider my New Orleans idea.

4 comments:

  1. I normally take every report at this blog as gospel, but you didn't provide a source about the Indonesian women going missing. I'm sure her family, if they came across this post, would be eager to have some more information.

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  2. ADC has correspondents in all corners of the globe.

    I've been trying to decide which is more embarassing, my Olympics post, or "particularly perverted pachyderm".

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  3. "What tenderness there is in that preliminary touch! Had this tail any prehensile power, I should straightway bethink me of Darmonodes’ elephant that so frequented the flower-market, and with low salutations presented nosegays to damsels, and then caressed their zones." - Moby Dick by Melville. Zones?

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  4. Darmonodes? Who was that?

    We all need to start dropping "straightway bethink me" into casual conversation.

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