The lady doth protest too much, methinks

A curious missive in the Whitby Gazette, from Jill Smith of Withernsea:
I do not drop litter, my dog is not exercised in an irresponsible manner and I always clean up after him and dispose of the waste correctly.

I do not get drunk and urinate or vomit in your streets nor do I spray graffiti or vandalise your beautiful old buildings.

I do not drive carelessly or too fast and I certainly do not park where I should not, I pay the parking fees in the car parks.

I do not bring my old fridges, mattresses or other household waste and fly tip it all over the national park...
 Her writing another town's newspaper insisting she isn’t guilty of such a specific list of crimes causes me to think she‘s done all those things. It may even be that she’s done something truly monstrous and is therefore spontaneously confessing her litany of lesser offenses as a form of compensation. Copies of this entry have been forwarded to the Withernsea Police and Scotland Yard.

In related news, the town of Whitby is finally taking steps to control its goth infestation.

Comments

  1. The letter writer claims to be a person who spends

    "... 30 weekends – and lots of week days too – just outside Whitby where I have a caravan sited on a lovely, friendly site."

    This person seems to have a suspiciously large amount of spare time and if she is not working it must be asked where does the money come from that she claims to spend in the area.

    So a person of no fixed abode and mysterious sources of income claims to be innocent of an extravagantly detailed set of crimes.

    Seems very suspicious to me. Probably either a gypsy or a retiree - either of which are trouble to any decent area. The Devil finds work for idle hands to do, after all.

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  2. Good points. Foolish of her to provide clues as to the general location of her hideout. She really wants to be caught, doesn't she?

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  3. Clearly, she has felt the cold breath of Mortality on the back of her neck, and seeks to make amends for her hideous crimes.

    What is a caravan?

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Caravans.

    The phrase "fly tip" was new to me.

    Indeed, Dennis, it's like that Sherlock Holmes case "The dog that didn't defecate".

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