12 April 2009

Burdens and boredoms

Local progressive ladies have invented a new way to amuse themselves:
On a sunny Sunday afternoon earlier this month, about a dozen Bethany Community Church members knelt by the shores of Green Lake, filling 5-gallon jugs with water and carrying them part way around the lake.

It was a way to experience, at least for a few minutes, the heavy burden borne by women and children in Uganda who sometimes walk for miles each day to get water for drinking, cooking and washing.
After the physically and psychically exhausting “few minutes” it’s off to a nearby eatery for some heavy reflection and light dining (white wine, duck salad, and pan seared scallops). If these women want a more authentic and exhilarating Uganda poverty experience they should toss out some yams and then gather them back up while some Tumbo-Mbonga type dressed in a loincloth beats them with a switch for not gathering fast enough. I sense a business opportunity.

04 April 2009

Week in Review

Madonna’s bid to adopt a Malawian child stalled after a judge ruled the pop star failed to meet residency requirements.

Madonna intends to harvest the child’s stem cells then inject them in hopes it will slow down her over ripening process, and argues if the child is allowed to stay in Malawi it will only go to waste.

President and Mrs. Obama traveled to London for the G20 Summit. There they met the Royal Family, whom Michele impressed by lifting the Queen above her head (three times). They also gave the Queen an iPod.

At the actual G20 Summit the economic situation was a major concern. There was little agreement, but there was consensus that tax havens like tiny Liechtenstein who had nothing to do with causing the economic crisis should be punished.

In the United States overly indulgent parents are spoiling babies by feeding them rocket fuel. On Friday the Iowa Supreme Court imposed same-sex “marriage” by judicial fiat. Homosexualists cheered the ruling, pledging to stage extravagant ass orgies in homes and public parks throughout the Hawkeye state over the weekend. They also said they will celebrate the Court ruling somehow, perhaps with a brunch.

A Swiss woman has imagined a third arm into existence. The arm is milky and translucent; she uses it to scratch her nose. Doctors say the woman “does not always perceive the arm but ‘retrieves’ it when needed”.

In North Carolina a mysterious creature attacked and severely damaged a family’s car:
Scratches, bite marks and holes -- that's the surprise the Gilliam family of Lincoln County found in their driveway on Sunday.
"I didn't hear anything," said SUV owner Holly Gilliam. "That scares me, too. Why didn't I hear something?" The unknown creature destroyed the brakes. 
"You know where you can get spotlights, there's big   giant holes where it ripped them out," said RJ.
Whatever damaged the 2004 Saturn Vue ripped through fiberglass and caused thousands of dollars in damage.
The incident is similar to attacks in South Carolina, perpetrated by the notorious Lizard Man. Lizard Man may be a misnomer - some argue Lizard Man isn’t reptilian at all, but is actually a swamp dwelling Bigfoot who looks green because he’s covered in algae. Being covered in algae might explain his rage.