Reader Mail (3/31)

Dear ADC,

What movie(s) should I see this weekend?


Since you asked, here are some Brief Reviews of Movies I haven’t Seen.

Sin City: This is a movie based on the ‘graphic novel’ of the same name (‘graphic novel’ is a euphemism for ‘lengthy comic book’). The movie supposedly looks like ‘a comic book brought to life’. How many times have I said to myself, “If only someone would make a movie that looked like a comic book brought to life”? Right, zero times. If you are reading ADC on the Interweb (as most of my readers do) there is a good chance you will go see this movie no matter what anyone tells you, because (I hate to be the one to break this to you, but someone must) you’re a bit of a nerd. Which is fine, but after you see it please don’t try to tell me that the movie is some sort of artistic breakthrough.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: I don’t know, who? Ashton Kutcher? And Bernie Mac? In the same movie? No, seriously, who’s coming to dinner? You are serious? This is the most popular movie in the country? Really? Why do I have a sudden craving for rat poison?

Fever Pitch: In this movie unfunny comedian Jimmy Fallon plays an obsessed baseball fan, the weird looking Drew Barrymore plays his girlfriend, a workaholic business consultant. Their love is strained by Fallon’s characters obsession with the Red Sox. Theoretically romantic comedy ensues. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner suddenly isn’t looking so bad.

This is a remake of a UK film, where the protagonist was a fan of soccer instead of baseball. So it could have been worse, they could have kept it about soccer. For those charting the decline of Western civilization, a mere 48 years ago Cary Grant starred with Deborah Kerr in the romantic comedy An Affair to Remember.

The cast includes Ione Skye, who I’m told is a lesbian now. Nice work King Ad-Rock.

Kung-Fu Hustle: I’m all Kung-Fu’ed out.

Beauty Shop: In this movie sassy fat black woman Queen Latifah plays Gina Norris, a fat black woman who is also sassy. Gina Norris runs a beauty shop. Many of the customers and co-workers at the beauty shop are also black, and also a bit sassy. The cast includes Mena Suvari , who plays a white girl with a giant forehead. I imagine at some point in the movie someone tells someone else to “talk to the hand, girlfriend”.

The Pacifier: If Hollywood (by Hollywood I mean the homosexualist movie executives who Mr. Diesel earned his career from the hard way) is going to insist on putting Vin Diesel in movies, could they at least provide subtitles when he speaks?

Coach Carter: This isn’t about me, as I don’t coach.

Paper Clips: This documentary chronicles a group of middle school students in rural Tennessee who, as part of their school’s ‘Holocaust Education’, collect six million paper clips. I’m not sure why the poor children of rural Tennessee must spend their school day being made to feel guilty about the Holocaust instead of learning math or English, as I am fairly certain there were never any Nazi death camps in rural Tennessee.

There’s no escape anywhere, is there?

Dear ADC,

I’m interested in taking up smoking. Do you know anywhere I can go to learn what brand I should choose?


It’s never to late to start smoking. You should visit Luxurious Misery, which has all kinds of (poorly written) opinions about all kinds of cigarettes. Some samples:

"American Spirit (Yellow): These feature all natural tobacco, which has made them popular with the alternative crowd as well as with the neo-hippies. They have a strong nicotine kick, but the flavor is harsh and has a blunt, charred taste. Also they have a poor draw. Vastly overrated."

"Sweet Afton’s (non-filter): I believe these are from Ireland though the name comes from a Robert Burns poem. Made of quality Virginia tobacco, this great tasting cigarette far less harsh than the typical non-filter cigarette. Outstanding. My only complaint is that the box they come in is flimsy."

"Lucky Strikes (unfiltered): Did you know when Lucky Strike’s were introduced they were a girl cigarette?"

Good luck with the smoking, and with the 5th grade.

Comments

  1. Why must you insist on blaming the homosexualists for Vin Diesel when clearly it’s the Hollywood Jewry that is foisting this inarticulate abomination on us? You must be some sort of closet homophobic AIPAC propagandist. Go spread your zionism elsewhere. You probably also hate baseball (except for Shawn Green and Sandy Koufax of course) and apple pie.

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  2. Someone should ask Vin if his weiners were kosher.

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