Seeking the Medina Caiman

I awake in the pretentious city of Seattle (future home of the homosexualist ‘manorail’), and discover my good friend Professor Glen Morangie (recently returned from his Tsunami relief mission) has been trying to contact me all morning to alert me to this story:

Reports of reptile on loose unnerve Medina residents

Beware a caiman or some other large reptile spotted around Cozy Cove and Fairweather Bay, the Medina Police Department warned residents in a Friday e-mail. The department reported sightings, including one person who saw it lingering in the reeds at the back of the bay...

If the sighting proves correct, it could be a caiman, which can grow to 7 feet long and usually makes its home much farther south, in the marshes and rivers of Latin American, said Dana Payne, a curator and reptile specialist at Seattle's Woodland Park Zoo.

Or it might be an American alligator, which can frequently reach 9 to 10 feet in length and hails from the Southeast, said Payne, who fielded a call from the Medina Police Department last week.


Given Medina’s proximity to Seattle, I decide to drive to the areas where the giant lizard was last seen in hopes of spotting him. At the same time I figure I will be able to watch and report on the Michael Jackson trial coverage, since I have ‘pimped my ride’ by installing a television set in my car’s steering wheel. It seems a good plan, but as the saying goes "A plan is just a list of things that never happen.”

My plan starts to go awry when I get stuck in traffic. Then instead of watching the Michael Jackson trial on my steering wheel TV, I watch an old episode of Match Game instead.

As a boy Match Game was my favorite show. While all the other children in my school wanted to grow up and become tax attorneys, I wanted to grow up to be a panelist on the Match Game. I would imagine a nattily dressed, older version of myself trading witty bon mots with the lovely Brett Summers and the incomparable Charles Nelson Reilly (among others). Watching it now I notice how drunk the panelists and host Gene Rayburn sometimes are. They would smoke as well. Such behavior is unacceptable on TV now (but rap videos are OK).

I drive around all day, but there is no sign of the giant lizard.

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