27 March 2006

Evening Primrose

Life imitates John Henry Collier: Iowa man lives inside Wal-Mart store for three days.

In other news: last Saturday in Cyprus a little girl was forced to touch gigantic lemons the size of swollen donkey balls as part of some disgusting Cypriot fertility ritual.

Come on feel the lemon.

In other other news: sun remains dangerous. This is a very important point.

26 March 2006

This is a very important point: the sun is dangerous

Some scientists now think the sun is getting sunnier. It looks to be a sweltering future for the remnant of humanity that manages to survive deadly bird flu. If I were you, I would make sure to add plenty of sunscreen to my survival kit. But of course I’m not you (and thank God for that). My own survival kit consists of a handgun, ammunition, and 10 cartons of cigarettes. I figure I can use the handgun to acquire food, water, and now sunscreen, from the well intentioned people (i.e. saps) who planned for catastrophe. As for the cigarettes, if life has taught me anything it’s that one should never leave one’s supply of smokes to chance.

23 March 2006

Notes for a catalogue of modern taboo

The ubiquity of Jews in important fields is never to be mentioned, the odd black in endeavors of no significance must be celebrated.

20 March 2006

Go, go, go, said the bird

TS Eliot once wrote: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality television”. Nowhere is this more true than Uruguay. Ridiculous the waste sad time, indeed.

It’s cold outside and the paint’s peeling off of my walls

Apparently stealing our money is not enough - oldies are now learning how to use canes to strike young men in the balls and various other places. One malicious granny who mastered these so-called 'Combat-Cane' techniques broke a fellow's "nose and two of his ribs." Why am I not surprised? And this is after young people were nice enough to invent the RI-MAN helper robot to clean up after them, and care for them, and cradle their disgusting wrinkly bodies in his robo-arms when everyone else refuses to touch them. Modern oldies are an ungrateful lot.

15 March 2006

Are friends electric?

The Japanese have invented a robot for the home, named RI-MAN, capable of carrying a life-like, realistic sex doll in his robot arms.


This is a tremendous breakthrough for feeble and lazy perverts of the life-like, realistic sex doll persuasion, who no longer have to get out of bed.

In the future RI-MAN the robot may also be used to care for Japan’s elderly, so RI-MAN has been programmed to distinguish eight different kinds of smells. I’m guessing one is doo-doo smell, one is that weird old people smell, and one is banana pudding smell. That leaves five smells I’d rather not try and guess.

In the future, experts tell us, America will use Mexican immigrants to take care of her excess elderly, and that with a little training many of them can be taught to distinguish as many smells (ocho) as RI-MAN. I wonder if this preference for Mexicans isn’t motivated by robo-phobic bigotry. It’s claimed Mexican immigrants are cheaper than robots. Perhaps, but look at RI-MAN’s hands - he couldn’t hold a knife even if he wanted to. How much is that peace of mind worth?

12 March 2006

Ripped from the pages of the world’s greatest newspaper

Police invade The Tide premises!

A security guard with the Rivers State Newspaper Corporation, Mr Robinson Igey narrowly escaped death yesterday when armed policemen who invaded the premises of the Rivers State Newspaper Corporation, pounced on him and beat him mercilessly right at his duty post.

An eyewitness told The Tide that the security guard attracted the wrath of the policemen when he shouted that somebody was dying...
[MORE]

Drab Filed Duly (contains pointless links)

Deadly bird flu has infected a duck in Cameroon.

Did Slobodan Milosevic die from deadly bird flu?

Are the already endangered Malaysian bigfoots vulnerable to being wiped out by deadly bird flu?

NASA scientists believe Saturn’s moon Enceladus could support life, including deadly bird flu.

Panic in Mexico, as rumor spreads chicken enchiladas could host deadly bird flu.

United States lacks ventilators needed to fight non-existent mutated deadly bird flu.

United States reassures Japan that American mad cow beef is 100% free of deadly bird flu.

Deadly bird flu found in Myanmar; experts predict Burma to be next.

10 March 2006

Then she smiled as she whispered mañana

The Mexicans have devised an innovative solution (you don’t hear that very often, do you?) to the problem of sexual harassment - giving away inflatable sex dolls:
MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Mexico is deploying an army of inflatable sex dolls dressed as office executives in a head-turning publicity campaign against workplace harassment of women in the famously macho country. 1
In other stupid news, a type of squirrel-rat that roamed pre-historic China and Pakistan is not extinct after all. It seems the bushy tailed rodent has been hiding in Laos for the past 11 million years.

1Or should that be “famously nacho country”?

02 March 2006

Skool is fun!

High school geography teacher Jay Bennish finds himself embroiled in controversy after delivering a lecture to his class on the malevolence of America which included comparing President Bush to Adolf Hitler, instead of explaining how to find Cucamonga on a map, like he should have been doing. We all know this sort of nonsense 'goes down' (to use the kids’ vernacular) in the schools all the time, but unfortunately for Jay (I think it’s safe to assume no one call him Mr. Bennish, at his own insistence) a student taped his ravings, the tape was heard by the student’s father, the father gave the tape to the media, and now Jay is famous.

The tape itself is amusin. If you’ve heard it notice what little response there is, positive or negative, by the students to anything Jay says. It brings back fond memories of so many of my own school days, spent listening to some leftwing burnout with a bad haircut rant about the evils of the United States and the Nazism of Ronald Reagan to an utterly indifferent classroom. Some things don't change.

Another teacher making the news is 71 year old Miss Lily McBeth, of Eagleswood, New Jersey, who was a man until undergoing “gender reassignment surgery” last year.

It seems some parents are less than enthusiastic about having Miss McBeth molding the impressionable minds of their young children.


It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

The Associated Press reports:  "not everyone in this rural Ocean County township wants her teaching children. 'It's just bigotry,' said Leslie Farber, McBeth's lawyer, referring to community opposition."

I’m confused as to how objecting to letting a dick-chopped fruitcake in a dress teach elementary school is bigotry. It seems common sense. It certainly puts the complaints about Jay Bennish in perspective. Perhaps I’m being insensitive, but if I am, so what? As Miss McBeth herself/himself/itself observes:“It's never too late to be yourself.”
And if being myself means being insensitive to and mocking of those like McBeth, well, by his/her/its own logic that’s his/her/its problem, isn’t it? 

Meow Meow Flu

The slow but relentless creep of the deadly bird flu continues: it’s now infecting cats. There is no need to panic, however, I’m told cats are still safe to eat as long as prepared properly (which involves a thorough cooking and, presumably, a spicy sauce of some sort). If humanity is to be wiped out by this particular plague it would be nice if the outbreak commenced shortly. It’s almost as if the deadly bird flu is toying with us - or else isn’t a threat at all.

The true story of Gef the talking mongoose

"In 1931 a strange creature began to make its presence felt in the Irving
household at Doarlish Cashen on Dalby Mountain...'He' had introduced himself to Voirrey as Gef, an 'extra, extra clever mongoose' born in Delhi, India in 1852. Though he claimed to be able 'to kill you all if I liked', the family had an affable attitude and came to accept his company. Voirrey acted as his main intermediary. They taught him to speak. With intensive questioning his vocabulary grew rapidly. Described as humorous with a shrill, high-pitched voice, he signalled his presence with singing (including the Manx National Anthem) squeaks, growls and a strange laughter. On departure he would quip 'vanished'. Gef was curious and cunning. He roamed the area, slipping into houses to hear what was being said and relating the gossip back to the Irvings. People both hated and feared the 'Talking Mongoose.' When it was learned that he liked to stow away under the local motor-bus the driver fitted an electric plate to the spot
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