30 July 2006

Baboon of genius


Our friend the club-wielding chimp has not been captured, or even seen again. Some people now think the chimp may have been carrying an ordinary stick, not a club. (Some people think it wasn’t a chimp at all, but a Bigfoot. It’s best to avoid these people.) As this mystery may never be solved, let us turn our gaze from the antics of chimpanzees, and instead ponder the antics of a baboon.

His name was Jack, and in the late 1800’s he was employed as a signalman for the Cape Government Railways:
A locomotive driver were given secret instructions and all present waited to see if Jack will past this strenuous test. Each time that the driver blasted a different signal Jack would change the correct signal and points without fail. Jack even looked around in the direction of the oncoming train to make sure that the correct lever and signal were changed. Jack has passed his test with flying colours and were duly employed by the authorities and from that day became known as Jack the Signalman. Bot not only did he get his monthly rations from the government but he also received an employment number.
Besides signaling, Jack would sweep up, act as watchman, and pushed the “trolley” his handicapped friend and co-worker James ‘Jumper’ Wide (the man on the left in the above picture) used to get to work (notice Wide is wearing a pair of peg legs he made himself). Prior to working on the railroad, Jack was employed as an oxen-driver.

Today, of course, it would be considered animal cruelty to put a baboon to work, and even if you could most of the jobs traditionally done by baboons have been taken by illegal aliens.

(I became aware of Jack the Signalman by reading this month’s issue of Fortean Times.)

25 July 2006

Still on the loose in every which way

"Poker is a game of people. It's not the hand I hold, it's the people that I play with." - Amarillo Slim

A chimpanzee, named Mikey, considered by some to be the worlds best non-human poker player that isn't a machine, will play in the 2006 World Series of Poker main event.

Mikey's trainers claim he recognizes the shapes and colors of suits, and favors an agressive playing style, frequently going 'all-in'.

Extra security is being provided to Mikey in the event he wins any money, in case the roaming chimp with the club shows up and tries to beat and rob him.

Not going back to that cage

A chimpanzee has been spotted roaming the backyards of Thousand Oaks, California. Attempts to capture the animal have been unsuccessful, but the authorities are reassuring residents they have nothing to fear, even though an eyewitness reports the chimp has armed itself with a club.

24 July 2006

Marginalia

Crying racism is the first refuge of the moron.

Libertarianism is applied autism.

If, as immigrationists often claim, the economy benefits so much from low skill workers, why continue to spend money educating native born Americans? Think of the economic boom to result if we stopped funding high schools and colleges in order to increase the homegrown pool of unskilled labor.

I dream that someday in the far future the lost art of minstrelsy will be revived.

Last time I was in a Las Vegas casino I noticed the hookers were dressed less whorish than the female tourists.

Horse betting isn't gambling, it's pari-mutuel wagering.

Successful betting requires knowledge, intellect, and the ability to evaluate and take risks. One learns that reality is too complex to be reduced to a mechanical system.

It's a gentleman’s sport, of great tradition. When wagering you compete with other bettors, as opposed to passively sitting in the stands unthinkingly adulating various egomaniacal millionaires who play kid's games with balls of some sort.

When a horse wins a race, he (or she) remains dignified. You will not see a race horse doing a ridiculous celebratory dance, like the 'dirty bird' or the 'sprinkler' in the winner's circle.

The brilliant conservative philosopher Michael Oakeshott wrote a book on horse betting called 'A Guide to the Classics'.

Jockeys make me laugh.

A new kind of Giant Peccary has been found.

23 July 2006

It helps to think of the future as the past inverted like a tube sock

Welcome news for my lady readers: researchers have invented a robot that repairs collapsed vaginas. Daniel Elliott, M.D., a Mayo Clinic urologist and the man behind what some are calling the Coochbot 5000 explains: "To imagine this, it helps to think of the vagina like a tube sock that's inverted out.”

How does it "help" to imagine that? I wish now I hadn't imagined it at all. Something’s not right about this Daniel Elliott, M.D fellow. Take my advice, ladies: do not allow this mad scientist and his infernal machines anywhere near your delicate nether regions.

Spaghetti pants to dance

From the Tide Online, the world’s newspaper of record:

Wizard caught in the act [This one has a shocker of an ending!]

“Suffer not a witch to live,” so says the Holy Bible and the people of Dema in Andoni Local Government Area of Rivers State may have well done exactly that.
Small Talks was reliably informed that a man, given to witchcraft had come to the end of the road..."

Girls dance with pants in PH brothels

"Prostitution in the Diobu area of Port Harcourt is taking a new dimension as young girls in the hotels now wear spaghetti pants to dance in the open place...Many of the prostitutes also tend to give extra sexual comfort to their customers to enable them earn more than the specified fee for sex. Most of them go by the slogan “I will satisfy you. I will climb you,” they say."

Touché

"VDare.com is named after Virginia Dare, the first English child - not "white child," as the News evocatively puts it - born in the New World, in 1587. (The first white child was probably a Viking, Snorri Porfinnsson. It doesn't have the same ring.)" - Peter Brimelow.

19 July 2006

Tale of the Oriental Queen

The evacuation of U.S. citizens from Lebanon commenced Wednesday, as over 1,000 Americans set sail from Beirut on the cruise ship Oriental Queen to begin the 6,000 mile voyage to New Orleans where the evacuees will be housed in the Superdome. Evacuees are reminded to bring as many kebabs as they can carry, which is always sensible when traveling.

In other news: Java suffers tsunami disaster, world declares tsunami disasters “passé”.

16 July 2006

The Rheshar-Escollet hypothesis

French geologists Arnold Rheshar and Pierre Escollet are claiming to have proof stones are living creatures which move and breathe. Stones do this very, very slowly, of course, which is why until Arnold and Pierre came along no one noticed it.

Or almost no one, for I distinctly remember as a small boy my grandfather taking me to his workshop and showing me an experiment he was conducting in which he had placed an assortment of stones in a row, and painted them green in order to observe any incremental growth or movement. My grandfather did not think rocks were alive in the animal sense, his theory was stones absorb particles from the air (which is not unlike the breathing Rheshar and Escollet describe) and thus gradually increase in size over time. He also thought rocks were capable of working their way up out of the ground, then slowly gravitating toward habitats rocks find pleasant, such as beaches.

Unfortunately my grandfather died before his experiment concluded, and his research notes were lost, and the painted green rocks were lost as well...or else they grew up and escaped.

Where is the conscience of the world?

With the Middle East all explody again one instinctively turns to the elder statesmen for advice. Because of his expertise on the Middle East, one such elder statesman whose advice is particularly relevant is Muammar Gadafi. The Colonel reminds us:

"The FIFA reactivated the system of slavery and enslavement and trading in human beings from Africa to Europe and America; and also from Latin America to Europe. This degradation is taking place against real young people just because they are poor and because they are from poor African or Latin and sometime Asian states. The rich states running the FIFA are the rich one only. The poor ones will never have the glory of hosting the FIFA even if they have the desire to be the host and even if they present whatever they have and even if know-tow to the FIFA’s president and leadership. Why?" - FIFA.. MODIFY IT OR CANCEL IT

Why indeed. Now if only there were someway to get those fighting to listen...

11 July 2006

Boys don't cry

Marine General Peter Pace wants open borders, and demonstrated before Congress today he will cry if he doesn’t get his way. I say let him. Any decent parent will tell you giving in to tears only results in more demands and more tears; encourage him and pretty soon we’ll be stuck buying General Pace a pony he promises to take care of all by himself and then does for three weeks and then he’s bored and it’s on to something else.

10 July 2006

27 news

Oldie rams car into crowd, injuring 27 (update)

Roller-coaster accident injures 27

Woman stabbed 27 times

Torrential rains kill 27 people in Jiangsu Province

27 New Aids cases recorded in Armenia

Train 27, now arriving Tibet

Oldie News

As the Zephaniah of the oldie menace, I would be remiss not to mention two recent news items involving oldie crimes against humanity (I looked for news items about oldies doing good deeds, unsurprisingly I was unable to find any).

From the UK comes the story of an elderly woman who took advantage of the latest in fertility medicine, and the lack of ethics of Italian doctors, to become pregnant at age 62. She just squeezed a 6 pounds 10-1/2 ounce baby boy from her dusty womb. If this trend continues you will have parents and newborns wearing the same brand of diapers. I have no idea why she did this, it wasn’t even her own egg (couldn’t she have adopted one of those needy African children one hears so much about?), but I’m sure the boy will turn out fine as the old broad's a child psychologist.

The other oldie making headlines is the 89-year-old man who drove his car into a crowd of younger people at a festival, running over dozens, injuring 27. I’m sure the mainstream media who caters to oldies (they being the only ones left who pay any attention to it) will spin this incident as an accident, but eyewitnesses observed the ersatz Mr. Magoo “accelerate sharply” before ramming into the throng. There’s a war on, people - so why is only one side fighting?

Old News

You’ve all heard by now how boring billionaires Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are donating enormous sums to the wretched of Africa (at times I suspect God’s reason for creating Africa was to provide wealthy white people with something to be charitable toward, then I remember I’m completely lacking in any sort of religious belief). You have all probably also imagined how you would spend such amounts of money differently. I think if I had billions, for my first act of charity I would have made a giant statue of myself, out of solid gold, and anyone who wished could gaze upon it for free. Because charity is a dish best served cold, for my second act of charity I would buy everyone in Africa an ice cream cone.

In a post you probably already read, but should read if you didn't, titled Double or nada on the highjump, the always entertaining Sixteen Volts mentioned my favorite tennis player of all time: Karsten Braasch, who is known for easily beating both Williams sisters at a time when he was ranked 203 in the world, but I remember him for the fact he would enjoy a cigarette between sets until the bastards who run tennis enacted a no-smoking rule to put a stop to him. When I build a Smokers Hall of Fame (after buying the Africans an ice cream cone, I guess) he will have a prominent place in the ‘Sport and Leisure’ wing.

That same item mentions Bobby Riggs, who lost a tennis match to a 29 year old woman when he was 55 years old, something feminists, and only feminists, find notable. Truly notable is the time Riggs played a game of ping-pong with Amarillo Slim, for $10,000, using frying pans as paddles. Riggs was a tennis hustler, something I don’t think exists anymore.

Elsewhere: I found this blog about a Parisian midget via my referrer logs, and while I am unable to read French, I find it tremendously amusing.

Free giveaway: New catchphrase. Use to impress friends, co-workers, bartenders, exotic dancers, etc.

“Bill got a raise, but it’s not like he’s getting Nene money.”

“A million here, a million there, and pretty soon you’re talking Nene money.”

“A stole your honey cause I got Nene money.”

“Bring lawyers, guns, and Nene money.”

06 July 2006

Taepodong taepodong taepodong let me launch you let me launch you taepodong

Another day, another mystery solved, as this morning while shaving it occurred to me that the Flynn Effect was caused by the dwindling of the Earth’s magnetic field over the last 145 or so years.

Meanwhile in Kolkata, India, large crowds have converged on a hospital to witness patient Sambhu Roy holding the large piece of his skull which recently fell off. Luckily for Sambhu doctors have patched the hole in his head with a soiled rag.

That this sort of thing doesn’t happen in America illustrates how television has blunted our natural human curiosity and sense of wonder. Good luck Sambhu, here’s hoping you have a speedy recovery.