15 September 2009

A dumb blankness full of meaning

A despicable thief driving a white van remains at large in Espanola:
The Espanola Lions Club and Espanola Volunteer Firefighters held a food drive, a door-to-door drive, in town in June…They asked for people to leave out bagged non-perishable items on their doorsteps for pick up around 5:00 pm in the evening.

However, someone, as far as we know, driving a white van, went around earlier in the afternoon and picked up items.
Perverts driving white vans tried to abduct boys in Sydney and Fall River, and some girls in Fort Dodge.

In St. Louis a pair of masked men gunned down Aisia A. Johnson, then sped off in a white van.

In West Wolds a white van "pulled up and a male asked the informant if he had any scrap metal. The van has since been seen in the area by other neighbours and seems to go down every street very slowly”

"Have any scrap metal?” is, of course, street lingo for “do you have a goat I could fornicate with?”

13 comments:

  1. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1097142605#/photo.php?pid=487172&id=1097142605

    This is the most frightening unmarked white vehicle I have ever seen--it must be some kind of eradication machine. The back swings open (I imagine), and the inside is impossibly voluminous, full of white mist, with girls beckoning, etc.

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  2. The tag "Not the Lloyd Mintern you were looking for?" cracks me up.

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  3. What is this "tag"; it is funny, but where is it?

    To see that white truck you have to copy and paste that address, and it takes you to my Facebook page.

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  4. Because I'm not signed up for Facebook the page I land on has a picture of Lloyd, a search box, and kind of a summary of the page.

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  5. Lloyd Mintern,

    You are, in fact, the Lloyd Mintern I have been looking for. I represent the Chamber of Commerce of Lloydminster, Alberta. For some time now, the CoC has been interested in raising our town's profile, by means of branding, viral marketing, user-generated content, etc. A slight tweaking of your rather-singular name could provide a synergistic boost to both our bottom-lines.

    If you were to change your name by deed poll to 'Lloyd "Your Gateway to Alberta and Saskatchewan" Minster," we are prepared to offer you remuneration in the high three-and-a-half figures. We would also countenance a reasonable finder's fee for Mr. van Carter, in recognition of his having facilitated our intercourse.

    I eagerly await your response.

    Cordially,

    Fred S.

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  6. Just tell me what a "deed poll" is, Fred S., and we can begin negotiations. I am not used to dealing with half figures, so I would up your offer to four figures. My great grandfather was a horse farmer. He didn't think his name was singular, as there were many Minterns in the neighborhood, he had cousins with such names as Floyd Mintern, and Minny. I know my name is unusual, though, because I am #1 on Google!

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  7. White van. It's the new black helicopter.

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  8. Fred: The town in Alberta should change its name to LloydMinternster.

    Lloyd: Like you, I have no idea what a deed poll is.

    DD: I always thought there was a connection between the black helicopters and those white vans carrying dudes selling killer speakers at prices awesomely below retail. No one seems to report either phenomenon anymore.

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  9. Perhaps those young children abducted by white van driving perverts are turned into "killer speakers" via some nameless, horrible procedure after be beamed up into the black helicopters. The killer speakers are then returned to the white vans and driven around until sold to unsuspecting victims?

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  10. I was wondering when you would see fit to enter this conversation, Captain Fez. Very white of you to come in at the point where you can effectively employ your punster nature. Yours is one solution to the narrative. What still needs explanation, or perhaps merely pointing out, is Carter Van Carter's middle name.

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  11. Fez: That theory is as good as any.

    Lloyd: Plus I'm white.

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  12. Oddly enough, my middle name is Helicopter - and I'm black.

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