Across Difficult Country

Exciting developments in Malaysia, where Across Difficult Country foreign correspondent Ismail Mat Taib has once again witnessed a barge wash up on the beach. The Daily Light reports : A resident of Mempisang Beach, Kampung Jawa, was surprised to see an object lying just off the coast that he initially believed was float logs, but apparently a barge overturned.  Local resident Ismail Mat Taib, 66, said he believed the barge is upside down due to the relatively strong waves. "Three days ago I was patrolling the beach on a motorcycle around 4 pm and I saw a large object in the sea. "At first I thought it was drift logs, but when viewed correctly, apparently it is a barge," he told the Daily Light.  According to him, to this day no party has come forward to claim ownership of the barge.  "Some villagers went to look, they look from a distance, to see if there were victims or goods, but they did not find anything," he said.  Meanwhile, Ismail said, a...

A sad day in our nation’s capital, as for the first time in American history a lady, Nancy Pelosi, is sworn in as Speaker of the House . Worse, it would seem she’s adopted the disgusting Third World practice of using children as human shields to deter assassination attempts. I suspect we are entering an era of Gynarchy, and it’s too late to do anything about it, but if we are to be ruled by women is it too much to ask they be a bit juicier? I suppose it is. Watching the cermony Across Difficult Country’s new foreign correspondent the Malaysian villager Ismail Mat Taib remarked: “At first glance I thought she may be a kuntilanak or even a Langsuir , who had had arrived unnaturally from across the sea,” said Taib, who had been herding cattle near the beach, “Then I realized it was only that congresswoman with the bad plastic surgery.”

From Malaysia comes word of a " a hungry 25-foot python " (is there any other kind?) that’s eaten at least 11 dogs. Across Difficult Country foreign correspondent and native Malaysian Ismail Mat Taib remarked: “I thought at first the dogs might be victims of a mysterious monster which had surfaced unnaturally from the bottom of the sea,” said villager Taib, who had been herding cattle near the beach. “Humongous snake was my second guess.” In other Malaysian news, the Malaysian men’s ice hockey team beat Hong Kong 7-3 and made them cry.

I saw footage of the Steve Jobs Apple iPhone demo , and it was shown one of the things you can do with iPhone is upload photos to it, then by touching the screen make them larger and smaller. Am I the only one reminded of the moon landing? Larger, smaller – by touching the screen. I'm thinking of how stout Cortez must have felt on that mountaintop. Larger. Smaller. By touching the screen . The gizmo is causing excitement around the globe. Across Dificult Country foreign correspondent Ismail Mat Taib enthused: “I thought this may be back engineered from mysterious technology developed by the ancient Atlanteans before that great kingdom submerged unnaturally to the bottom of the sea,” said villager Taib, who had been herding cattle near the beach. “Larger, smaller, by touching the screen? Holy crap, are you kidding me?” Obese teen Shauna Gerow paused between bites to observe, “It’s almost something to do rather than eat. Almost.” Oddly named Madagascar wildlife researchers Félix ...

Most people assume bats can’t be any more disgusting than they already are, which is probably how a family of bats 1 in Madagascar was able to evolve sucker feet without anyone noticing 2 until it was too late to stop them. For the time being the bats seem content to use their sucker feet to adhere to the surfaces of the leaves on the Traveler’s Palm and other similar broad-leaf plants, but it won’t be long before the bats realize (if it wasn’t the plan all along) they can stick just as well, if not better, to windows, windshields, laptop computer screens, and bald men’s heads. When told of the revolting sucker-footed bats, Across Difficult Country foreign correspondent Ismail Mat Taib observed: “I thought they may be mysterious bats which had surfaced unnaturally from the depths of a cave,” said Taib, who had been herding cattle near the beach. 1 Myzopoda schliemanni. 2 The sucker-footed bats were discovered by scientist Steven M. Goodman, whose name seems far to ordinary for an a...

A strange beginning to the New Year in Malaysia, as a pair of huge anomalous objects materialized in the sea off the coast : “I thought they may be mysterious islands which had surfaced unnaturally from the bottom of the sea,” said villager Ismail Mat Taib, who had been herding cattle near the beach. Not an unreasonable guess, but after they washed ashore the fanciful cowboy realized the curious objects were 200 yard long, three story high barges. So far no one has come forward to claim ownership of them.

I was drinking scotch (Dewar's, rocks) and reading Fruit-Inform (the leading information source on the fruits and vegetable markets of Ukraine, Russia and other Eastern European countries), like I do most afternoons when I wake up, and I noticed the big Potatoes & Vegetables of Ukraine 2014 Conference was scheduled to be held in Kiev this Thursday. I’m no conspiracist, but isn't it curious Ukraine explodes in unrest and the Russians move into Crimea just before this crucial conference? “I too find it curious,” observed Across Difficult Country's foreign correspondent Ismail Mat Taib . “If I were not so busy patrolling this damned beach on a motorcycle I would go and do some reporting from there. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time a barge that I thought was full of potatoes had —" Yes, yes you did.