I like the new mammals in Borneo

In the wilds of Borneo a team of scientists led by the biologist Stephan Wulffraat, may have discovered a new species of mammal.1 The animal “is bigger than a domestic cat, dark red, and has a long muscular tail.” It's believed to be carnivorous, and thought to drop down from trees on humans and then use its muscular tail to strangulate its victims while viciously gnawing on the unfortunate person’s ears and neck. Once its prey is unconscious (or dead), the nasty creature somehow drains the body of blood. (None of these details are being mentioned in the popular press, in order to avoid setting off a panic. Luckily I have my own reliable sources in Borneo).


This truly is an amazing find. As the head of the “species programme” at the World Wildlife fund Callum Rankine observes "You don't find new mammals that often, and to do so must be extraordinary”.2 I hope to journey to Borneo soon in order to capture one of these rare animals. If I do I promise to let everyone know what they taste like.

1 I’m adding Dr. Wulffraat to my ever growing list of scientists with odd, suspiciously fictional-sounding names doing animal research. It’s a pattern I’ve been monitoring for some time, but so far am unable to explain. The list includes prairie dog linguist Dr. Con Slobodchikoff, Dr. Siobhan Abeyesinghe, an expert on chicken angst, and Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, who is teaching apes how to live in furnished apartments.

2 I’m adding Callum Rankine to the list as well.

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