16 December 2005

More Brief Reviews of Movies I haven’t Seen

Brokeback Mountain:

A love affair between a pair of homosexualist cowboys ends tragically when one is killed by a horse. The actors playing the leads are (supposedly) straight. Includes graphic sex scenes. If you are into this sort of thing stay home and rent the spaghetti western Django Kill...If You Live, Shoot! instead, it's a weird and entertaining film that includes an honest depiction of homosexualist cowboys - an entire gang of them.

Memoirs of a Geisha:

A trio of Chinese honeys infiltrates Japan by disguising themselves as whores. The potential of the premise squandered, as unlike the homosexualist cowboy film Memoirs of a Geisha is only PG-13.

The Producers:

A pair of real life homosexualists (Matthew Broderick, Nathan Lane) portray heterosexual Broadway musical impresarios. Notice the pattern. Do you understand 'Hollywood logic' works now?

King Kong:

I’ve decided the old-style stop-motion animation is better than tedious modern CGI effects. The latter mechanically apes reality, the former is art.

7 comments:

  1. Matthew Broderick plays for the other team? Say it ain't so. Seriously, I thought he was married. To a woman.

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  2. Take a look at these candid spy photos of the two lovers: Pic 1

    Pic 2

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  3. That horse-sex article is a gem - “If you’re talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues,” Urquhart said. - priceless.

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  4. I find it saves a lot of time and money to base my opinions of new films entirely on the advertisements. They are remarkably accurate indicators, and most of the time they indicate crap. If only all advertising were this honest.
    That and it beats the hell out of sitting through two plus hours of Syriana
    As for Broderick, he was (or is) married to Sarah Jessica Parker. I hear he's considered a heart-throb in the gay community. I assume it's because of his role in the gay melodrama Torch Song Trilogy, which has earned him a special place in hell along with his wife (she for Sex and the City).
    It is oddly suspicious that he chose a woman who is famous for starring in a television series no straight man can stand.
    Whatever the case, you probably can't perform in a Broadway musical for too long and still retain your heterosexuality.

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  5. I agree Dennis. I've taken it one step further, and decide movies are awful before they are even made..speaking of Syriana, is Clooney's beard in that a prosthetic or CGI?

    By the way, you guys sure know a lot about Broderick...

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  6. I am speechless in the presence of greatness. I hope you don't mind that I am immediately adopting this practice myself.
    Forget about Clooney's beard, I thought we were talking about Broderick's "beard."

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  7. "Broderick's "beard.""

    Ha! You might get a lump of coal for that, but if you ask me it was worth it.

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