I can't wait 'til this set is over because I've got a roll of lifesavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.”

“Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula."

“Wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.” – Mitch Hedberg.
Mitch Hedberg died last week, at age 37.

Carrot Top is not only still alive, he appears to be doing quite well, demonstrating once again there’s no greater comedian than God.

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