Arrival: Lima

LIMA, Peru (AP)-- About 150 followers of a retired army major seized a police station in a remote Andean town Saturday, demanding the resignation of President Alejandro Toledo.

The lunatic behind this operation, Major Antauro Humala, initially seems the typical Latino insurrectionist (he "wears army fatigues with pistols tucked in his belt", for some reason the stock costume of South American rebel leaders, both Left and Right). But what I find captivating about Maj. Humala (and what has drawn me to his rebellion) is that he seeks "to establish a xenophobic nationalist indigenous movement modeled on the ancient Inca Empire". This is a brilliant idea, but the mistake Maj. Humala is making is trying to make it happen in Peru. The Peruvian government will never stand for it, the Peruvian Army will arrive in overwhelming numbers, and he and his intrepid men will die in a hail of bullets, an ending as predictable and clich├ęd as Maj. Humala's choice of outfit.

So I have flown to Lima, and am now racing south by Jeep to the remote town where this crisis is taking place. I hope to negotiate an agreement allowing Maj. Humala and his men exile to the boring city of Seattle. Once lured there, these adventurers will inevitably re-launch their campaign for a new Incan empire (I doubt they are capable of thinking of anything else to do). The unpleasant new Seattle library bears an uncanny resemblance to old Incan temples, and would be a perfect place to begin re-enacting Incan rituals of human sacrifice. The first victims (I will make sure) will be the people responsible for the design and building of the library itself along with those 'critics' who insist the library is a wonderful example of good architectural design, to be followed, I hope, by the people in Seattle who successfully promoted the construction of the homosexualist monorail (or 'manorail'). That is probably about as far as Humala and his followers will get before they are killed in a hail of bullets (don’t be sad, it’s the only ending Humala and his gang are capable of).


Temple of the Sun, historic site of bloody Incan human sacrifice rituals.


New Seattle libarary, proposed future site of reenactments of bloody Incan human sacrifice rituals.

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