Elsewhere: Science

Scientists confirm flamingos are composed almost entirely of erectile tissue:
“[T]hey bend their necks, tilt their bills upside down in the water and swish their heads from side-to-side. Their large tongue acts like a piston, sucking water into the front of the bill and then pushing it out the sides. Fringed plates on the tongue trap algae and crustaceans in the circulating water.”
MIT researchers have developed a gasoline engine which looks like an Apple iBook.

Oregon psychologist Dr. Matthew Johnson has discoverd Bigfoot is a mild laxative:
"We continued to hike up the trail...I heard a faint sound (i.e., “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!)...

Don’t ask me why but we continued to walk up the mountain through the very tall trees and brush. The sound continued in cycles of five to six repetitions (i.e., Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa). Louder and louder. Now the sounds were behind us.

I started putting one and one together in my mind and my biological “fight or flight” responses kicked in. I stopped my family on the trail. I told them to stay quiet. I hiked up the hill to our left because I had to go poop ASAP...While I was doing my duty, I was scanning the woods down the mountain on the other side...That’s when I saw it. I saw it come out from behind one tree to the left and walk to another tree to the right...

I was the only one who saw Bigfoot because I had hiked up off the trail high enough to see it. I can’t tell you what it looked like other than it was very tall, looked half-human and half ape, walked upright, and had very dark hair (i.e., a mix of very dark brown and/or black hair)."
Strangely, the Bigfoot described by Dr. Johnson sounds and looks like Brad Delp, lead singer of the 70’s rock band Boston. Delp's vocal stylings, in particular his sustained high notes, were also known to be capable of inducing bowel movements.

Comments

  1. Is it just me or does Dr. Johnson have the most annoying writing style in the history of the English language? (i.e. he uses "i.e." way too goddamned much). Plus he admits that when he gets an adrenaline rush it makes him defecate... (i.e. Johnson eschews fighting or fleeing in favor of pooping in times of danger. Probably not the best survival strategy).

    I'm not a fan of the band "Boston", either (i.e. I don't care for their music). They are the scourge of classic rock stations across the country.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm actually a little disappointed with my own effort there. Did you read Johnson's account of the encounter? Considering the richness of my source material, my parody was rather pedestrian.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One is an esoteric Straussian, the other went to Yale