Seven Blunders
With the public being asked to choose the New Seven Wonders of the World, I thought I would examine the merits of seven of the 21 candidates.
1. Stonehenge. Why is it no one ever saw fit to mention this ‘wonder’ in print until 1902? For two reasons: 1. a bunch of large rocks in a circle isn’t wondrous. 2. Stonehenge didn’t exist prior to the 1890’s, having been constructed not by ancient druids, but by drunken university students.
2. The Great Wall of China. Proponents of this ‘wonder’ concede, as they’ve no other choice, that walls, in and of themselves, are boring, but argue because the Great Wall of China is very, very long, it is, therefore, a wonder. Which is absurd. How can more of something boring be not more boring, or at the very least as boring, but somehow less boring? It’s logically impossible. Boring meetings don’t become less boring the longer they last; boring people don’t become less boring the more one’s around them; no sane person thinks adding deleted scenese to the director’s cut DVD of My Dinner With Andre would transform the film into something exciting.
3. The Pyramids. If the pyramids are such a wonder, why do pyramid people constantly lie about them? I’m referring to the silly claim the construction of the pyramids was a feat which couldn’t be duplicated today. I’ve got bad news for the pyramid people: as anyone who has ever watched a skyscraper being built knows, a crew using a single large crane could assemble a pile of blocks into a pyramid shape as big as any in Egypt in a matter of weeks, instead of years.
4. Alhambra, Spain. On the list to meet pee-cee demands to include something by the Musselmen.
5. The robot head the astronauts discovered on the moon. Truly a wonder, ineligible because it’s not of this world.
6. Neuschwanstein Castle, Germany. On the list to meet pee-cee demands to include something by the homosexualists.
7. Timbuktu city, Mali. Like Reno, Nevada, Timbuktu is a small city in the desert featuring a number of silly looking buildings. Unlike Reno, the buildings in Timbuktu are made of mud. Poor Reno, if only your casinos were made of mud instead of concrete, glass, and steel, you too could be a wonder of the world!
1. Stonehenge. Why is it no one ever saw fit to mention this ‘wonder’ in print until 1902? For two reasons: 1. a bunch of large rocks in a circle isn’t wondrous. 2. Stonehenge didn’t exist prior to the 1890’s, having been constructed not by ancient druids, but by drunken university students.
2. The Great Wall of China. Proponents of this ‘wonder’ concede, as they’ve no other choice, that walls, in and of themselves, are boring, but argue because the Great Wall of China is very, very long, it is, therefore, a wonder. Which is absurd. How can more of something boring be not more boring, or at the very least as boring, but somehow less boring? It’s logically impossible. Boring meetings don’t become less boring the longer they last; boring people don’t become less boring the more one’s around them; no sane person thinks adding deleted scenese to the director’s cut DVD of My Dinner With Andre would transform the film into something exciting.
3. The Pyramids. If the pyramids are such a wonder, why do pyramid people constantly lie about them? I’m referring to the silly claim the construction of the pyramids was a feat which couldn’t be duplicated today. I’ve got bad news for the pyramid people: as anyone who has ever watched a skyscraper being built knows, a crew using a single large crane could assemble a pile of blocks into a pyramid shape as big as any in Egypt in a matter of weeks, instead of years.
4. Alhambra, Spain. On the list to meet pee-cee demands to include something by the Musselmen.
5. The robot head the astronauts discovered on the moon. Truly a wonder, ineligible because it’s not of this world.
6. Neuschwanstein Castle, Germany. On the list to meet pee-cee demands to include something by the homosexualists.
7. Timbuktu city, Mali. Like Reno, Nevada, Timbuktu is a small city in the desert featuring a number of silly looking buildings. Unlike Reno, the buildings in Timbuktu are made of mud. Poor Reno, if only your casinos were made of mud instead of concrete, glass, and steel, you too could be a wonder of the world!
I'm a little confused by your claim that Stonehenge wasn't mentioned in print until 1902. I understand that your follow-up about drunken college students is a joke, but is the original remark also a joke? If not, it is certainly inaccurate; Stonhenge was mentioned in Arthurian legend and was the subject of considerable antiquarian interest throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries.
ReplyDeleteGeoffrey of Monmouth was a literary hoax, the creation of Charles "Buzzy" Bumbleby, who I suspect would have gone on to be one of the great writers of the 20th century if he had not been tragically killed in WWI.
ReplyDeleteHow about the robot head on the moon? I can't believe that didn't get more coverage.