Across Difficult Country

Man’s moral decadence is often spoken of, while Nature’s degeneracy gets a free pass. Consider the Nepenthes rajah. This disgusting vegetable has assumed the shape of a toilet to get unwitting shrews to crap into its “huge orifice”. At the moment this leafy coprophile can only be found in the wilds of Borneo, which is some consolation. An N. rajah plant, left, and a toilet.              

In the wilds of Borneo a team of scientists led by the biologist Stephan Wulffraat, may have discovered a new species of mammal. 1 The animal “ is bigger than a domestic cat, dark red, and has a long muscular tail .” It's believed to be carnivorous, and thought to drop down from trees on humans and then use its muscular tail to strangulate its victims while viciously gnawing on the unfortunate person’s ears and neck. Once its prey is unconscious (or dead), the nasty creature somehow drains the body of blood. (None of these details are being mentioned in the popular press, in order to avoid setting off a panic. Luckily I have my own reliable sources in Borneo). This truly is an amazing find. As the head of the “species programme” at the World Wildlife fund Callum Rankine observes "You don't find new mammals that often, and to do so must be extraordinary”. 2 I hope to journey to Borneo soon in order to capture one of these rare animals. If I do I promise to let everyon...

I've been contemplating travel to Borneo. Recently, a “team of international scientists” went to Borneo where they found enormous “monster” cockroaches living in caves. (The scientists do not say what these monster cockroaches do all day in the caves, I suspect they practice law.) The expedition also found (hold on to your hats) “at least two new species of begonias”. I was under the impression we had more than enough kinds of begonias already, but then I’m not a scientist or an antholagniac.