Across Difficult Country

Eat, Pray, Love Watch, leave, vomit. The Expendables The Dependsables. Dinner for Schmucks The French film Le dîner de cons , adapted for American audiences (all the intelligence, subtlety, and wit was removed). Starring the painfully unfunny Steve Carell, widely considered one of the leading comedic actors of our time. Lottery Ticket On the eve of a holiday weekend a young negro (played rapper Bow Wow) learns he has a winning $370 million lottery ticket. For the next three days his neighbors and relatives in ‘da hood’ try to steal it from him while the audience yells things at the screen. Lottery Ticket 2 Set six months after Lottery Ticket , a young negro (played by rapper Bow Wow) declares bankruptcy after having squanderd $370 million. The audience yells things at the screen, eventually his corpse is found in a dumpster. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World A hipster who looks like a homosexual fetus (Michael Cera) attempts to win the heart of a girl. Based ...

I saw no new movies this year. These are reviews of some of them. Frost/Nixon Blatant rip-off of my proposed movie, Merv/Gerald , a dramatic recreation of President Ford’s history-making appearance on the Merv Griffin show. Milk I’m lactose intolerant. Australia A cowboy (played by Hugh Jackman), a beauty (played by Nicole Kidman), and Chaka from Land of the Lost (played by Chaka, from Land of The Lost) battle the Japanese in this “alternate history” of New Zealand. The Spirit More headache inducing comic-bookery from the makers of the headache inducing Sin City and 300 . If you are one of those who think these movies are “visually dazzling” you might be mentally retarded. Pineapple Express The presence of my favorite actor Black Robert Downey Jr. was outweighed by the presence of my least favorite actor, the detestable Ben Stiller. Rambo IV Using a time machine, the military sends an elderly, chemically inflated Rambo back to the jungles of the Vietnam Wa...

Atonement A comedy about a boy (Keira Knightly) who disguises himself as a girl to infiltrate the stately manor of Lord Snardbollocks and steal the Snardbollocks' family jewels. Hilarity ensues when assorted homosexualists (Englishmen) living at the manor find they’ve ‘inexplicably’ fallen in love with ‘her’. Juno I saw the preview to Juno in a theater. Afterwards I got up, went out to the lobby, and started punching people in the face. On principle. There Will Be Blood An elegy to our vanished way of life: men dig a hole in the ground, oil spouts out, everyone cheers then goes bowling. Existence had solidity and meaning; work was tangible and rewarding. Today it’s sit in cube, tap-tapitty-tap on keyboard, get yelled at by a lady-boss, then home to play Nintendo Wii or, worse, watch a movie like "Juno". What worms. Michael Clayton Dull bio-pic about a Tampa Bay wide receiver who caught 22 passes for 301 yards last season. 10,000 B.C. A stunning recreation of the world as...

Brokeback Mountain: A love affair between a pair of homosexualist cowboys ends tragically when one is killed by a horse . The actors playing the leads are (supposedly) straight. Includes graphic sex scenes. If you are into this sort of thing stay home and rent the spaghetti western Django Kill...If You Live, Shoot! instead, it's a weird and entertaining film that includes an honest depiction of homosexualist cowboys - an entire gang of them. Memoirs of a Geisha: A trio of Chinese honeys infiltrates Japan by disguising themselves as whores. The potential of the premise squandered, as unlike the homosexualist cowboy film Memoirs of a Geisha is only PG-13. The Producers: A pair of real life homosexualists (Matthew Broderick, Nathan Lane) portray heterosexual Broadway musical impresarios. Notice the pattern. Do you understand 'Hollywood logic' works now? King Kong: I’ve decided the old-style stop-motion animation is better than tedious modern CGI effects. The latter mechanical...

Dear ADC, What movie(s) should I see this weekend? Since you asked, here are some Brief Reviews of Movies I haven’t Seen . Sin City : This is a movie based on the ‘graphic novel’ of the same name (‘graphic novel’ is a euphemism for ‘lengthy comic book’). The movie supposedly looks like ‘a comic book brought to life’. How many times have I said to myself, “If only someone would make a movie that looked like a comic book brought to life”? Right, zero times. If you are reading ADC on the Interweb (as most of my readers do) there is a good chance you will go see this movie no matter what anyone tells you, because (I hate to be the one to break this to you, but someone must) you’re a bit of a nerd. Which is fine, but after you see it please don’t try to tell me that the movie is some sort of artistic breakthrough. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner : I don’t know, who? Ashton Kutcher? And Bernie Mac? In the same movie? No, seriously, who’s coming to dinner? You are serious? This is the most popu...