Across Difficult Country

Sad news from Nigeria, the Tide reports reggae artists there are “now in limbo”, thanks to the surging popularity of other musical forms, many of which are even worse than reggae.  Also sad is how the Tide, once a great newspaper with a commitment to truth , has gotten rid of all of its interesting columnists and is now little more than an African version of Vox media, minus Vox’s smug pretensions and tedious liberal bias. Sad news from Driffield: the Driffield bus depot closes May 31st , annihilating my plans to finally take that bus trip to Driffield. I think there is a carpe diem type  lesson here, either that or try harder to come up with holiday ideas that aren't total shit. Sad news from Harare , where tobacco farmer Brighton Magutakuona had “his privates burnt” by a goblin . The saddest part is the goblin was his own, one he inherited from his grandparents.

The slob-orgy that is the ‘holiday shopping season’ coming on the heels of the festival of stupidity that is Thanksgiving with my family always dangerously heightens my already considerable loathing of humanity. To cool my spleen I put down my rifle and turn to the pages of The Tide News: This is a bizarre story that unfolded recently in one of the communities in Rivers State where a vulture was said to have turned to a woman. Small Talks was told that the said vulture was in company of three other vultures that perched on a tree close to a building where a young man recently died and had been buried in the community. On seeing the four vultures, since in African setting, vultures portend evil omen, relations of the deceased young man were said to have chased them away. While three of the other vultures fled the scene, one of them was said to have remained firmly rooted to where it was perching. According to the story, when pebbles were cast on it, it surprisingly turned to a woman. [...

I’ve learned some readers doubt the veracity of the story from The Tide reprinted below . Need I remind them The Tide (unlike certain prominent American newspapers which have famously printed fabricated stories) has “ a commitment to truth ”? As unbelievable as it may seem, except for being more frequent, in depth, and more stylishly written, The Tide’s coverage of the Nigerian university cult situation does not differ factually from what’s been reported in other sources. See, for example, “ War of the black magic cults brings death to Nigeria’s universities ”, from the Apr. 20, 2005 edition of The Telegraph UK : “In the last month alone, 13 of its students have been killed in clashes between cults calling themselves the “Black Axe” and the “Black Eye”. Professional mercenaries were allegedly hired to carry out some of the killings. The state governor, Lucky Igbinedion, was forced to intervene in the conflict.” Cult initiation rituals are way beyond fraternity hazing: "[Emmanue...

Debauched as student life at American universities typically is, there's no comparison with the campus hijinks occurring in Nigeria. The Tide Online provides the shocking details (what follows is the complete text of its report): A legal practitioner in Umuahia, Abia State capital, has called on the federal government to urgently save Nigerian Universities from sliding into anarchy as a result of cultism. Barrister Uwandu Onyenakom who spoke to The Tide in Umuahia lamented that no week passed without institutions of higher learning recording casualties of cultism. “Worst hit are schools like Imo State University, Abia State University, Abia State Polytechnic among many others. “Cultism, at the rate it is going will succeed in destroying and uprooting foundations in our institutions of higher learning. Something needs to the done urgently to check the slide towards anarchy” Onyenakom said. According to him, the cultists who seem to be Lords in campuses harass, intimidate and most ...

A Tide 1 correspondent visits a monkey a preserve , and discovers monkeys are a lot like people: “To a first time visitor, one of the noticeable traits of these animals is that they are truly African species, highly social and live in groups of 15-30, much like the typical African extended family life system, each animal of the same family look out for others.” Even better than people, in some ways: “A female monkey takes her sexual reproductive health and rights very seriously. Sexual reproductive health and rights is one of the actions that Africans must seek to fulfil to achieve the target of the Millennium Development Goals, 2015. There is also no question of perverse sexuality or violent sex.” The Tide correspondent also notices: “Interestingly, every animal in the group does the bidding of the dominant male.” That is interesting... Also from The Tide: Small Talks’ articles , all in one place. 1 Motto: “A commitment to truth”.

At times it’s almost as if The Tide News Online (motto: “A commitment to truth”) publishes certain stories with me in mind. This week’s example: helpful sex education advice from Tide intern and Bill Bennett admirer Akang. Also: The Illustrated London News Archive .

Organic spinach has killed one person and aggravated the bowels of nearly a hundred others, making it a far worse nuisance than second hand smoke, which has never killed anyone. So instead of eating a potentially toxic salad, why not play it safe and enjoy a tasty, E. coli free cigarette instead? Perhaps warning labels should be placed on spinach bags suggesting this. Bonus : "Often you hear some people describe someone as shapeless. This is a very wrong statement because every human being has his or her own peculiar shape." - Calista Ezeaku waxing philosophically in The Tide News Online .

From the Tide Online , the world’s newspaper of record: Wizard caught in the act [This one has a shocker of an ending!] “Suffer not a witch to live,” so says the Holy Bible and the people of Dema in Andoni Local Government Area of Rivers State may have well done exactly that. Small Talks was reliably informed that a man, given to witchcraft had come to the end of the road..." Girls dance with pants in PH brothels "Prostitution in the Diobu area of Port Harcourt is taking a new dimension as young girls in the hotels now wear spaghetti pants to dance in the open place...Many of the prostitutes also tend to give extra sexual comfort to their customers to enable them earn more than the specified fee for sex. Most of them go by the slogan “I will satisfy you. I will climb you,” they say."

"Twenty-three persons among whom were three females have been arraigned before a Chief Magistrate Court presided over by Promise Iroanya Esq in Port Harcourt for allegedly belonging to a secret cult known and called Deygbam...The prosecutor Sergeant Zaccheaus Mba further stated that the accused allegedly had in their possession one locally-made double barrel shotgun, one bottle of Mac-Lord extra hot drink, a battle axe, some quantity of weeds suspected to be Indian hemp, one star axe, three drums and one bell used for secret cult activities." - from (where else?) The Tide News Online .

Whenever I read The Tide News , the most outstanding newspaper on this globe we call Earth (The Tide’s motto: ‘a commitment to truth’), I learn something. Recently reading The Tide I learned : A noble feature of the African society before the advent of colonialism and imperialism was that it stood eminently on solid ground and reveled in cherished liberties, economic abundance freedom and peaceful co-existence. It’s possible the author of this essay (who I think is a politician) is being funny on purpose. Assuming he’s not, if his view of history is widely held in Africa it would go a long way in explaing why the people there never seem to appreciate all the wonderful things like food, medicines, vaccines, glasses, that Live Aid song, used underpants, assault rifles, etc., we in the West bestow on them out of love or misplaced guilt (which are the same thing, really). Speaking of The Tide, I reproduce the following articles from the Tide, both on the subject of fashion, in their entir...

Police invade The Tide premises ! A security guard with the Rivers State Newspaper Corporation, Mr Robinson Igey narrowly escaped death yesterday when armed policemen who invaded the premises of the Rivers State Newspaper Corporation, pounced on him and beat him mercilessly right at his duty post. An eyewitness told The Tide that the security guard attracted the wrath of the policemen when he shouted that somebody was dying... [ MORE ]

Some thoughts on Valentine's Day, from Tide Online correspondent Julie Jumbo: "...But if I may ask, do we really know what love is? Majority of people out there just want to be associated with; let it look as if they know how to love (faking). Some husbands will be seen outside their homes with their girl friends and not their wives as they termed their wives old fashioned, only good in making babies. Some good husbands will appreciate their wives and they will show them how much they care. Women are not left out in this; some women will be seen outside their matrimonial homes looking for young men to fornicate with... ...Cards, love letters, flowers etc. are received by loved ones and intending partners who on this day speak out their minds to loved ones. I love you so much and I want you to be mine forever till death do us part. Those sweet nothings are necessary as it keep one’s mind panting and believing to be loved. [ more ]" BONUS: Julie Jumbo, on the dark side of ...

A poetic interlude in a controversial essay: Here is an incident I witnessed. I was walking down a street in Lagos one day where out of nowhere came this tall, fair lady in micro mini grey small body-hugging top and knee- length boots ally blew my mind, I tell you. Suddenly, it started to drizzle and the wind began to howl, picking everything that stood in its way (this was going to be one of those dark, wet days). Suddenly, up went the lady’s skirt, exposing everything that was marked “private”. You could actually touch the screams and jeers that followed this scene. Tell me who is to blame the wind or the lady. As ladies, you can dress up responsibly and still be highly fashionable. ( Why some ladies are raped ) You know, as they say: Husband snatchers are still in the business of snatching husbands... ...The situation was so serious, it looked like getting out of hand, you know, as they say, “when hand-shake don reach elbow, e don pass be careful.” ( Woman snatches church member’s h...

Our friends at The American Prospect , normally acutely sensitive when it comes to racial matters, recently published an article praising the author of this essay . Have the TAPunists views on race evolved (to borrow one of their own terms), or was it a bumble? Life imitates Vile Bodies - in Estonia . Sad news from the UK, the stupid whale which swam up the Thames in hopes of seeing the Queen has died . Oh well. De balena vero sufficit, si rex habeat caput, et regina caudam . In sadder news from the UK, scientists there found cell phones do not cause brain cancer . In other science news, biologists discovered 27 new species of repulsive and uninteresting creatures living in caves beneath Sequoia and Kings Canyon national parks, “some of them, to a single room in one cave.” In an attempt at one-upmanship American scientist Stuart Poss claims to have discovered a new species of fish that lives in a single bottle in Grahamstown, South Africa. Cryptozoologists discovered a sculpture ...

My God, just what is going on in Nigeria? According to Nigeria’s finest newspaper The Tide (motto: “A commitiment to truth”), a middle aged woman working as a street sweeper in the city of Port Harcourt was killed when a “ strange cow suddenly emerged from no where and strangled the woman to death .” Then, “after the cow had accomplished the havoc, it mysteriously disappeared the way it came since no one could trace it after thoroughly searching the area.” I’m not sure what this incident portends, but I plan on avoiding Nigeria as long as this murderous cow with ninja skills is roaming free. I also think I'll have a hamburger for lunch.