Showing posts from 2009

Gruel and Unusual Punishment

Modern persons are so accustomed to criminals being mollycoddled they believe responding feebly to crime is natural. The etching below is a reminder that, in days of yore, the application of justice was swift and terrible. In the upper left (D), a trio of thieves are thrown down a well for stealing rutabagas. On the right a pundit is punished for repeatedly expressing erroneous opinions, abusing logic, and proud ignorance of obvious facts. His face has been removed, and while he waits his turn at the well he must endure being sneered at by a man (A) dressed in an obnoxious hat and ridiculous pantaloons. For impudently displaying an erection in the presence of noblewoman a horse (C) is forced to eat stale gruel from the hollowed out corpse of a duplicitous used oxcart salesman. And that’s how it was, in days of yore.

Jane and Jim have a holiday party

"Jane. Great to see you." "Hi Carter. Glad you could make it. Carter, I’m a little concerned about your friend. I think I saw him putting food in his pockets." "He’s certainly on the spindly side, isn‘t he? Though I wouldn't call him a friend. On my way here I realized I was ahead of schedule. Not wanting to be early I stopped off at a local watering hole, he was at the bar, we started chatting. He flew into town yesterday, his friends and relatives are all down south so he‘s alone, he knows a lot about fish. Possessed by the Christmas spirit I told him about your shindig." "So you don’t even know him?" "How much does anyone really know anyone?" "He’s making people uncomfortable." "Is he? I guess you’re right. Look at him. He radiates awkwardness, an awkwardness which makes those around him awkward. It’s fascinating for students of human nature like ourselves to watch. By the way, is there some, not that

Salad Days

Schimpanse Hamiss . WALTHER DOBBERTIN .

Peculiar apparitions to the soul

In a case eerily similar to the murder of Aisia A. Johnson , three gunmen broke into an apartment near Indian School Road and 67th Avenue and began shooting , killing one of the occupants and wounding another. Two of the shooters then fled in a white van. A white van was seen lurking near an athletic equipment shed in Lynchburg, then it was gone. 15 minutes later the athletic equipment shed burst into flames . In Kissimmee motorists observed a white van intentionally hit a motorcycle , causing it to crash. The motorcyclist died at the scene. The homicidal white van remains at large. A white van driven by a man named Jesus led police on a wild chase through Bloomfield Township , “smashing into several cars and construction barrels”. After crashing into an SUV on Big Beaver road, Jesus leapt from the wreckage and began throwing punches at police, who responded with Tasers. Following the zapping, Jesus became unresponsive, was taken to a hospital, and pronounced dead. In Port St.

Light reading

Old issues of The Crisis (“a journal of civil rights, history, politics, and culture that “seeks to educate and challenge its readers about issues that continue to plague African Americans and other communities of color”) are now online, so I no longer have to go the library to read them. In an issue from 1995 I found an amusing interview with Barack Obama . In it he explains “ it’s liberating to be in a country where black people are in the overwhelming majority ”; says “integration is not a victory on our part”; and complains about his grandmother’s rational fear of  “strange black men”. Two of the greatest publications in American history, the Weekly World News  and LIFE Magazine, are also available. Both teem with incredible stories .

The home of the fragrant motor-omnibus and the night-blooming Hooligan

" In 1924 Claude Friese-Greene (cinematographer and son of moving-image pioneer William) embarked on an intrepid road trip from Land's End to John O'Groats. He recorded his journey on film, using an experimental colour process. Entitled The Open Road , this remarkable travelogue was conceived as a series of 26 short episodes, to be shown weekly at the cinema."

Science & arts

Scientists have discovered a way to increase muscle mass and strength in monkeys . “Remember when you made fun of us in high school?” said one researcher, “Well who’s laughing now?” Dr. J. Allan Hobson, A sleep researcher at at Harvard, thinks “ Dreaming is a parallel state of consciousness that is continually running but normally suppressed during waking .” What if, at certain times, the suppression is disrupted? The parallel dream state leaking into waking consciousness might be behind many accounts of Yetis, UFO’s, aliens , bull-beggars, spirits, elves, hags, fairies, satyrs, pans, faunes , sylens, tritons, centaurs, dwarfs, nymphes, Incubus, Robin good fellow, the spoom , the man in the oke, the fire-drake, the puckle, Tom Thombe, Tom tumbler boneless, and other nonsense. One thing it does not explain is the Sandsend Blob , because it was seen by a person and a dog . STANISLAV SZUKALSKI. Deluge . “Among [ Szukalski’s ] most strongly held (and extensively documented) theori

Carlyle on capital punishment

And so you take criminal caitiffs, murderers, and the like, and hang them on gibbets 'for an example to deter others.' Whereupon arise friends of humanity, and object. With very great reason, as I consider, if your hypothesis be correct. What right have you to hang any poor creature 'for an example'? He can turn round upon you and say, "Why make 'an example' of me, a merely ill-situated, pitiable man? Have you no more respect for misfortune? Misfortune, I have been told, is sacred. And yet you hang me, now I am fallen into your hands; choke the life out of me, for an example! Again I ask, Why make an example of me, for your own convenience alone?"—All 'revenge' being out of the question, it seems to me the caitiff is unanswerable; and he and the philanthropic platforms have the logic all on their side. The one answer to him is: "Caitiff, we hate thee; and discern for some six thousand years now, that we are called upon by the whole Unive

Bears with glasses

In our artificial age most of us view bears as heroes and entertainers . We forget bears are capable of crimes more heinous than stealing picnic baskets. Take the bear in Florissant, Colorado, captured breaking into a car . His motive was probably theft; the possibility he wanted to steal the car and use it run over an ursine ice skating instructor can not be ruled out. More disturbing is the case of Juan the Andean spectacled bear , resident of a nice zoo in Germany. After crossing a moat using a log for a raft, Juan climbed a wall and "went straight for [a] playground" full of children. Cut off by zookeepers, he attempted to flee on a stolen bicycle. What Juan  planned next  I hate to even think about .

Death comes for the Qaiser

We’ve grown so accustomed to bears being fat, furry entertainers who amuse us by ice skating, juggling, wrestling, and "inexplicably" murdering people , that it’s easy to forget bears can also be heroes. Heroes waging one-bear wars against terrorists : A wild bear mauled to death two militants of the Hizbul Mujahideen outfit in a south Kashmir forest on Monday, officials said. A spokesman of the army said a wild bear entered the forest hideout of the separatist guerrillas and killed two of them in Kulgam district. "The bear entered the hideout of the terrorists in Dand Nar forest area in Kulgam district today and killed two Hizbul Mujahideen terrorists identified as Saifullah and Qaiser," the spokesman said. The spokesman said Saifullah was the district commander of the Hizbul Mujahideen for Pir Panchal area while Qaiser was a tehsil (sub-district) commander of the outfit.   Surprisingly , the tangly jungle of the Kashmiri mountains is safer than most large

Ofellas assas giganticus

Since my remarks about pumpkins many have written to ask if it’s “o.k.” to gently rub a young lady’s terres inconnues with a giant meatball . The answer is no, gently rubbing a young lady’s terres inconnues with a giant meatball is morally depraved and unhygienic. That you contemplate such perversion is cause for concern.

Cucurbita pepo sensualis

For me, one of the delights of Fall is gently caressing a young lady’s bacon area with a pumpkin. Now scientists believe this erotic technique also has a medicinal benefit , as a substance in the pumpkin's skin neutralizes Candida albicans, the fungus responsible for many vaginal yeast infections.

After watching the Natural Geographic Channel

Remember Nature? She’s still out there, big and dumb, teeming with mole rats, mamba snakes, and documentary film crews. Nature thwarts most avenues of legal redress, as anyone who has attempted to subpoena a honey badger will attest. You can hardly get from A to B in Nature without being mauled by packs of gnus. Climb a tree to evade the fire ants and you incur the wrath of the sloth. Keep the curtains closed and have dinner delivered.

Unsolved Mystery

Tragedy in Kyrgyzstan . An ice-skating bear goes beserk, leaving one man dead, another man seriously injured, and authorities completely baffled: "The incident occurred during a rehearsal by the Russian state circus company troupe which was performing in Bishkek with the program, Bears on Ice," Ministry of Culture and Information director Kurmangazy Isanayev told reporters. Isanayev says the bear, who was wearing skates at the time , attacked a 25-year old circus administrator nearly severing one of his legs and dragging him across the ice by his neck... After the incident, the circus was cordoned off by police and emergency service workers. It is unclear what prompted the bear to attack ...

Obscure books

The American Conservative asked readers to suggest obscure books  (in the sense of not widely read). I recommended these: Time and Western Man , by Wyndham Lewis. For the style, and the hilarious and devastating chapter on Joyce , not for its considerable amount of gobbledygook. Journey to the Land of the Flies , by Aldo Buzzi. A combination of travel writing, literary criticism, food appreciation, and memoir. Buzzi died Oct. 9 , at the age of 99. Tetrasomy Two by Oscar Rossiter. An entertaining and original novel science fiction fans will like more than I did. The Gray Cloth , Paul Scheerbart’s novel on glass architecture. It’s about flying around in a blimp and glass architecture. Operette Morali , by Giacomo Leopardi. Brilliant and allusive little fictions, in the form of essays and dialogues, which have been obscured to an extent by the polymathic prodigy’s poetry. Decadence , by C. E. M. Joad. Joad was an English philosopher and a celebrity in the 1940s. After fare d

Inzwischen telefone hocke


Float on

Things have become so bad in America a desperate Colorado couple loaded their son in a balloon and cast him adrift in hopes the wind would carry him to a better place. UPDATE: It turns out the presumptive aéronaute was not on the balloon at all , he was hiding in the attic. I pulled a similar stunt when I was six, only instead of hiding in the attic I walked downtown and checked myself into a hotel under an assumed name. After searching for me for possibly hours my parents gave up and moved away, to the considerable relief of parties on both sides.

Kill the envious moon

In three days the war on the moon begins .

Report of the Board of Consulting Engineers, Vol. 1

STATEMENT OF MR. WALLACE, OCTOBER, 1905. The Chairman . I have the pleasure of introducing Mr. Wallace, whom you know personally or by reputation. Since Mr. Wallace's time on this occasion is limited, it has been suggested that there be placed in Mr. Wallace's hands the report of the remarks that have been previously made before this Board by Mr. Stevens, Mr. Maltby. Mr. Dose, and Mr. Dauchy, and that Mr. Wallace understand that it is the wish of the Board to question him concerning The Project. Is it the desire of the Board to-day to ask Mr. Wallace any particular questions? What is the desire of the Board? Mr. Hunter . Mr. Chairman, you might explain to Mr. Wallace what is so important a matter in the mind of every member of this Board. We would be glad to have the benefit of his experience and his advice as to what he considers to be the Maximum Quantity; and, secondly, what length of time he contemplates would be required for the installation. Those are points of gre

A dumb blankness full of meaning

A despicable thief driving a white van remains at large in Espanola : The Espanola Lions Club and Espanola Volunteer Firefighters held a food drive, a door-to-door drive, in town in June…They asked for people to leave out bagged non-perishable items on their doorsteps for pick up around 5:00 pm in the evening. However, someone, as far as we know, driving a white van, went around earlier in the afternoon and picked up items. Perverts driving white vans tried to abduct boys in Sydney and Fall River , and some girls in Fort Dodge . In St. Louis a pair of masked men gunned down Aisia A. Johnson , then sped off in a white van. In West Wolds a white van "pulled up and a male asked the informant if he had any scrap metal. The van has since been seen in the area by other neighbours and seems to go down every street very slowly” "Have any scrap metal?” is, of course, street lingo for “ do you have a goat I could fornicate with ?”

The Fusion of Idealism and Realism


Save the babies

Newsweek reports white babies as young as 6 months are racists . I can’t say I’m surprised, I’ve always found the character of babies suspect. Selfish, prone to rage, lacking any concept of law or morality, and there is no way all the inappropriate crapping is accidental. To prevent me from being a baby bigot, on the rare occasions my parents visited me in the nursery they wore blackface. This continued into early childhood, up until they stopped having anything to do with me altogether. They also had my black nanny disguise herself as a Chinaman, and on weekends forced the Mexican gardener dress up as an Hasidic Jew. Exposure to such an innovative program of conditioning might explain my scores on implicit association tests (I haven't the slightest taint of unconscious bias), as well as my love of minstrelsy . In other exciting baby news, a faun was born in Zimbabwe :  The community of Lower Gweru and its surroundings in the Midlands Province was left shell-shocked when

Free telephone

You’ve seen him - that hobo pushing an overloaded cart full of stuff around town. Today as he passed me some items fell off, but he didn’t notice and continued down the block. “Sir“, I said, “I believe you dropped your miniature globe, and your phone, and your dolls head stuck on the end of a stick .” He came back and retrieved the orb and scepter.                                                     

August research findings

Researchers at the Aristotle University of Thessaloniki discovered a new benefit to smoking  that may prevent the sort of insufferable, overwrought rhapsodizing about food amateur gluttons and professional restaurant critics indulge in. Researchers not at the Aristotle University of Thessaloniki found a “ space giraffe ” frolicking on the lunar surface. Does this mean NASA’s plan to bomb the moon violates the Endangered Species Act? Lawyers for the space agency refuse to comment.

Edacious flora

High atop a lonely mountain, deep within the Philippines jungle, a carnivorous plant that eats rats has been discovered, by a crack team of British carnivorous plant experts who just happened to be in the area. Giant carnivorous plant Nepenthes Attenboroughii Remember the cow eating tree in India known as the pili mara ? Hopefully this amazing find will force establishment botanists to reconsider the evidence for its existence.

In the 8th of August the sun is corporally conjoined with Basiliscus

The summer of the present is not the summer of the future we daydreamed of in summers of the past.

The Forest of the King

XII. What is the Forest of the King, and what the reason of this name. M. The forest of the king is the safe dwelling-place of wild beasts; not of every kind, but of the kinds that live in woods; not in all places, but in fixed ones, and ones suitable for the purpose; whence it is called "forests," the "e" being changed into "o," as if it were "feresta" . i.e., an abiding place for wild beasts. D. Is there a forest of the king in each county? M. No; but only in the wooded ones, where the wild beasts can have their lairs and ripe nourishment: nor does it matter to whom the woods belong, whether to the king, or to the nobles of the kingdom, the wild beasts can none the less run around everywhere free and unharmed. - from The Dialogue Concerning the Exchequer (c. 1180).

July news funebrial

On July 2 the bodies of popular masked midget wrestlers La Parkita and El Espectrito Jr. were found in a Mexico City hotel room . Authorities believe the tiny grapplers were drugged and murdered by thieving whores. Author, investigator, and Fortean theorist John Keel died of cancer on July 3. Keel coined the highly useful terms “ultraterrestrials” and “MIB (Men in Black)”. His most famous book was The Mothman Prophecies . Keel was 79. Walter Cronkite died on July 17, at the age of 92. Beginning in 1962 “Uncle Walter”, as pudding heads called him, read the news on television for the CBS network. Eventually Cronkite became “ the most trusted man in America ”, demonstrating the hypnotic power of the idiot box, and the ease with which Americans are gulled. Cronkite left CBS in 1981 amid allegations he had drunkenly raped CBS colleague Bob “ The Captain Kangaroo ” Keeshan during an out of control office party. Late in life Cronkite dated the older sister of singer Carly Simon.

The facts do not admit of any doubt

Do sunspots affect human creativity? The brain is, after all, a finely tuned, highly complex electro-chemical meatball, and sunspots are able to disrupt electrical systems of far simpler, less finely tuned nature. It turns out I’m not the first person to ponder such a connection (which is a good thing, because I'm also too lazy to try and verify it). A professor named Suitbert Ertel exhaustively examined the historical record, and concluded bursts of cultural creativity, across the globe and throughout history, occurred 10 to 15 years after periods of low solar activity. Ertel has a lot of unusual ideas , but Hans Eysenck, for one, was impressed by Ertel‘s theory and evidence , concluding, "However difficult to explain, the facts do not admit of any doubt; there is a close coincidence in solar activity and human behaviour." Presently sunspot activity is extremely low . If Ertel is correct, contrary to what we see all around us, our culture isn’t dead; in reality we a

Another experiment

I cannot omit to add hereunto another experiment, which is, that we find by the effects, how the rayes of the moon are cold and moist. ... The beams then which come from the moon, are those of the sun, which glancing upon her, reflect upon us, and so bring with them the atoms of that cold and humid star, which participates of the source whence they come: therefore if one should expose a hollow bason, or glass, to assemble them, one shall find, that whereas those of the sun do burn by such a conjuncture, these clean contrary do refresh and moisten in a notable manner, leaving an aquatic and viscous glutining kind of sweat upon the glass. One would think it were a folly that one should offer to wash his hands in a well-polished silver bason, wherein there is not a drop of water, yet this may be done by the reflection of the moonbeams only, which will afford a competent humidity to do it; but they who have tried this, have found their hands, after they are wiped, to be much moister than u

Tests verify my jest

One group that does not value perceived losses differently than gains are individuals with autism, a disorder characterized by problems with social interaction. When tested, autistics often demonstrate strict logic when balancing gains and losses, but this seeming rationality may itself denote abnormal behavior. "Adhering to logical, rational principles of ideal economic choice may be biologically unnatural," - Colin F. Camerer, Professor of Behavioral Finance and Economics, Caltech (via Arnold Kling ). Libertarian political ideology is premised on the notion everyone adheres to logical, rational principles of ideal economic choice. Thus, libertarianism is applied autism. But then you knew that .

The rayes of the moon are cold and moist

A year and a half ago when I wrote  "Once the War on the Earth is won we can launch a much needed pre-emptive strike on mankind’s second greatest enemy: the moon," I had little hope my alarum would sway the powers that be, but I'm happy to report the attack is scheduled for the fall : The planned October 9, 2009 bombing of the moon by a NASA orbiter that will bomb the moon with a 2-ton kinetic weapon...The NASA moon bombing, a component of the LCROSS mission, may also trigger conflict with known extraterrestrial civilizations on the moon as reported on the moon in witnessed statements by U.S. astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and in witnessed statements to NSA (National Security Agency) photos and documents regarding an extraterrestrial base on the dark side of the moon. I must have a fan at NASA, or in the MJ-12.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

A curious missive in the Whitby Gazette , from Jill Smith of Withernsea: I do not drop litter, my dog is not exercised in an irresponsible manner and I always clean up after him and dispose of the waste correctly. I do not get drunk and urinate or vomit in your streets nor do I spray graffiti or vandalise your beautiful old buildings. I do not drive carelessly or too fast and I certainly do not park where I should not, I pay the parking fees in the car parks. I do not bring my old fridges, mattresses or other household waste and fly tip it all over the national park...  Her writing another town's newspaper insisting she isn’t guilty of such a specific list of crimes causes me to think she‘s done all those things. It may even be that she’s done something truly monstrous and is therefore spontaneously confessing her litany of lesser offenses as a form of compensation. Copies of this entry have been forwarded to the Withernsea Police and Scotland Yard. In related news, the to

New Titles at the Iowa Masonic Library

The Cradle of God , by Powys The Openers of the Gate , by Beck From Six-on-Six to Full Court Press: A Century of Iowa Girl’s Basketball , by Beran Psychic Healing , by Ramacharaka Ars Quatuor Coronatorum , by Quatuor Coronati Lodge No. 2076 His Invention So Fertile: A Life of Christopher Wren , by Tinniswood Cletrac and Oliver Crawlers Photo Archive , by Letourneau The Flight of the Bonnie Prince Charlie , by Douglas The Early Biographies of Samuel Johnson , by Brack Blood on the Mountain: A History of the Temple Mount from the Ark to the 3rd Mill , by Andrews The Practice of Autosuggestion , by Brooks The Quimby Manuscripts , by Dresser, ed. Ramses the Great, and Exhibition in the City of Dallas , by Freed Secret Societies and Subversive Movements , by Webster The First Paper Girl in Red Oak, Iowa , by Webster The Warriors and the Bankers , by Butler For Power in Masonry , by Pike   [ MORE ]

Scenes from the Obamarama II

Alas, I couldn’t make it to the Giza Plateau to witness firsthand the mystical revelations of the Tutankhbama , but I did glance at a transcript of President Obama’s Egypt speech, and amidst a great goulash of platitudes and historical inaccuracies was this bit of insanity: "And I consider it part of my responsibility as president of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear." Unlike the President, I’ve never taught constitutional law (though I have published the same number of scholarly articles about constitutional law as he has), but I have read the Constitution and I can assure you that presidential “responsibility” is nowhere in it. It’s chilling to imagine what "fight" could mean. If a cartoonist in Scandinavia draws a Muhammed cartoon will President Obama parachute in with a team of sensitivity trainers to reeducate him? Or will the USA simply bomb the poor doodler? Eventually I might find out firsthand the precise

Great pastimes of yore

“One of the most singular innovations was the sport of fox-tossing [ fuchsprullen ], in which the court ladies took a prominent part. This fox-tossing consisted…in tossing animals into the air by means of canvas or cord tossing slings which were narrow bands some twenty five feet long, held at both ends by the two tossers. This game was usually played in the large courtyards of royal castles , about which a high canvas screen was stretched so as to prevent the animals escaping. As the terrified foxes or other game were running wildly about the inclosure, leaping over the slings, the center of which rested on the ground, it behooved the tossers to jerk the animals into the air as forcibly as their strength permitted. Skilled male tossers could toss a fox twenty four feet high. To prolong the sport the ground was covered with a thick layer of sand or sawdust, so as not to kill the wretched animal at the first toss. A great number of couples - generally a lady and gentleman were partners

Scenes from the Obamarama

Staff at Los Angeles International Airport load President Obama’s iqadi , or second wife, on Air Force One. The President, who was in Los Angeles for a fund raiser, “Brought the iqadi along to reward her hard work and excellent support,” said a White House spokesman. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

Far out space nuts

Around the time  two big balls plopped on Razdolnoye, Kazakhstan , a pair of balls, one larger than the other, were seen dangling in the sky above Tashkent, Uzbekistan . The balls remained in the air for approximately half an hour, then floated off toward the south east. At no time did the globes descend low enough for locals to fondle or attack them. Observers of the balls describe them as having an “extra-ordinary nature”, jealous skeptics who didn’t actually see them insist the balls are mundane (how would they know?). In other space news, 45 years after the legendary Zambian Space Program failed to launch, Africa may once again be reaching for the stars : Africans must travel to the moon to investigate what developed nations have been doing in outer space, Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni said Saturday. “The Americans have gone to the moon. And the Russians. The Chinese and Indians will go there soon. Africans are the only ones who are stuck here,” Museveni said, addressing

In the decade but not of the decade

While I was away Mr. Moldbug wrote : I refer, of course, to the 1980s. In my opinion, this decade produced exactly one artistic achievement that will stand the test of time: Skinny Puppy. And in letters? Though we may never know why, in the '80s it was easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a camel than for anyone to write a decent book. Actually three of the finest novels of the 20th century were published in the 1980s: Old Masters by Thomas Bernhard, Loitering with Intent by Muriel Spark, and Time’s Children by Chester Northmour. So even if we don't include Skinny Poopy the 80s are superior to the 90s.

Sparks falling off them

A pair of balls, huge, warm and mysterious, plummeted from space into a field near the farming village of Razdolnoye in Kazakhstan . A group of eyewitnesses, led by local farmer Viktor Dyakov, descended on the balls and gave them a traditional village welcome: “After they fell and cooled down, we came up to them and tried kicking them…we tried beating them with a chisel, but they didn’t give in, didn’t crease.” The strange balls are now in the expert hands of the Local Emergency Ministry. Luckily for you, no further information is available at this time.

Burdens and boredoms

Local progressive ladies have invented a new way to amuse themselves : On a sunny Sunday afternoon earlier this month, about a dozen Bethany Community Church members knelt by the shores of Green Lake, filling 5-gallon jugs with water and carrying them part way around the lake. It was a way to experience, at least for a few minutes, the heavy burden borne by women and children in Uganda who sometimes walk for miles each day to get water for drinking, cooking and washing. After the physically and psychically exhausting “few minutes” it’s off to a nearby eatery for some heavy reflection and light dining (white wine, duck salad, and pan seared scallops). If these women want a more authentic and exhilarating Uganda poverty experience they should toss out some yams and then gather them back up while some Tumbo-Mbonga type dressed in a loincloth beats them with a switch for not gathering fast enough. I sense a business opportunity.

Week in Review

Madonna’s bid to adopt a Malawian child stalled after a judge ruled the pop star failed to meet residency requirements. Madonna intends to harvest the child’s stem cells then inject them in hopes it will slow down her over ripening process, and argues if the child is allowed to stay in Malawi it will only go to waste. President and Mrs. Obama traveled to London for the G20 Summit. There they met the Royal Family , whom Michele impressed by lifting the Queen above her head (three times). They also gave the Queen an iPod. At the actual G20 Summit the economic situation was a major concern. There was little agreement, but there was consensus that tax havens like tiny Liechtenstein who had nothing to do with causing the economic crisis should be punished . In the United States overly indulgent parents are spoiling babies by feeding them rocket fuel . On Friday the Iowa Supreme Court imposed same-sex “marriage” by judicial fiat. Homosexualists cheered the ruling, pledging to stag

A squirreled pate will grow bald

Possibly a sign of the apocalypse, squirrels are going bald in Kansas . Local authorities are urging calm and are seeking volunteers willing to approach bald squirrels in the wild and daub Rogaine on their heads. Contact the Kansas Department of Wildlife and Parks in Wichita if you would like to help.

Globalization ain't easy

Chinese brothels for non-black customers in Ghana .

A visit to the chain bookstore

Glen Beck’s A Christmas Sweater adjacent to Samuel Beckett’s Malone Dies . Multiple books by Nicholas Sparks, no books by Muriel Spark. Reading bad books is like smoking bad cigarettes. Smoke or read what’s good, or don’t smoke or read at all. Few people browsing Literature, many browsing Mysteries. Hard boiled sleuths, funny sleuths, brainy sleuths. Crippled sleuths, sleuths of all races, sleuths of all sexual persuasions, sleuths from every corner of the globe. Sleuths from the past, sleuths from the future, seemingly every possible permutation of sleuth…no competitive eating sleuths, make a note of it. Disturbing chap going through the True Crime titles like it’s the How-To section. Avoid eye contact. Wide selection of self-help books, yet no Controlling Your Inner Serial Killer book despite obvious need. No reason to linger in the American History section. Lots of books about Lincoln, none about Polk. No anti-American Revolution books. No Spooky Tooth in the music s

What the well dressed spaceman is wearing

While walking her dog in Norwich a woman had a close encounter with a stylish spaceman : The RAF report stated: “She was approached by a man who asked her if she would listen to what he had to say. She described the man as 5ft 9in, fair hair, with a Scandinavian type accent and dressed in a light brown garment similar to a flying suit. The brown jumpsuit is a classic look for extraterrestrial visitors, particularly in suede , going all the way back to 1914 . Notice how the various spacemen mix things up with different types of footwear . A Grey Alien spotted in Philadelphia went with a more casual, colorful approach : Barbara went to the men’s dept in JC Penney. While there she saw a creature that looked like an extraterrestrial. There was another woman present with her young children. She says they were rushing out of the area. Her son saying, “I want to see” and the mother replying “No you can’t, let’s go now!” Barbara in her wheelchair saw a grey man approximately 4 ½ feet tal

Blood, shams and shenanigans

Anger in the accursed town of Whitby over donors being charged to give blood . Imagine the fury if Whitbians knew most of their donated blood goes not to hospitals but to local necromancers for use in occult rituals. There would be riots in Whitby’s doo-doo bestrewn streets . Whitby isn’t the only place where strange, bloody things are going on. In Ghana a man took a ride with some men in black in “a green ford bus (with tainted glass)” and barely escaped with his life : What was supposed to be an incident free ride from Pokuase, near Achimota to Suhum in the Eastern Region, landed a 29-year old man in a mysterious room surrounded by men drawling blood from his legs. “Lying half conscious on a sheepskin and surrounded by lighted candles in a very large hall, my only prayer was on how to make it back home alive. Through my half-opened eyes, I could see three naked girls across the hall with their hands tied behind them, and above me was a very large mirror built into the ceiling fro

Tirty Tree and a Turd

I’m under the weather, so instead of participating in the contrived drunkenness of St. Patrick’s Day I’m staying in and watching Leprechaun: In the Hood , the fifth installment in the Leprechaun series of motion pictures and arguably the greatest Irish film of all time. RELATED: Nov. 06, 1957. Everittstown, New Jersey .

Dispatch from Udupi

Construction of a 67-foot tall statue of Charlie Chaplin on a beach in Udupi, India, came to a halt after angry Hindu protestors complained, “ Chaplin is a Christian and his contribution to India is nil .” Actually Chaplin wasn’t much of a Christian. His contribution to India was nil, but as this picture proves he at least met the great Gandhi  once (I imagine the puny perverts discussed the cruelty and injustice of heightism and statutory rape laws). Arguably the statue would damage Udupians mental health, a monumental depiction of the pathetic, unfunny clown constantly looming over inducing nightmares and widespread feelings of dread and unease. That objection may be so obvious the angry Hindus didn’t feel the need to mention it.

Gamya gamana

Was my cynicism premature? A major medical breakthrough in Indonesia could mean we truly can “fix” health care: A month ago Ponari was hit by lightning, according to his story. When he regained consciousness there was a stone on top of his head [ Obviously Ponari wasn’t struck by lightning, he was hit by a meteor – CVC ]. He threw it away but the stone came back so he took it home. There he discovered the healing effects of the stone: a neighbour healed of fever after he had touched it, the village head got rid of a bad pain in his arm and the local police officer, a pious Muslim, swears he has seen with his own eyes how Ponari healed a boy who had not spoken a single word for five years. The news about the miraculous healings spread quickly and people started to flood to the small village of Balongsari, a few hours drive from Surabaya. First dozens, then hundreds, and now there are thousands. They bring cups, bottles and buckets of water in which the boy wonder plunges his stone.

Like a treasure coming to the surface

The Waldgang is not to be understood as a form of Anarchism directed against world technology ( technik ), although this is a temptation, particularly for those who strive to regain a myth. Undoubtedly, mythology will appear again. It is always present and arises in a propitious hour like a treasure coming to the surface, but man does not return to the realm of myth, he re-encounters it when the age is out of joint and in the magic circle of extreme danger...  - Ernst Jünger .

The plan keeps coming up again

I’ve noticed many remain confused about how, exactly, Obama and his Obamanuts are going to get us out of the economic mess we are in, but fundamentally the plan is quite simple. Replace the word “spend” with “invest”. This ingenious maneuver transforms what would have been wasteful government spending into worthwhile investment for the future. Invest in education. This will make everyone really smart. Invest in "Green Power". This will lead to the discovery of a cheap, non-polluting energy source. Have government take over health care. This will improve health care and make it cost less. These investments will produce an explosion of wealth unlike any in human history, and thus pay for themselves an Obamamillion times over. The future America is a gleaming technotopia teeming with geniuses. Visualize driving an eco-friendly flying car to a free medical check-up. This strategy may have a few minor flaws, but surely those will be worked out.

Win a prize

Recent cartoon “controversies” reminded me of this , the only actually funny thing to ever appear in an Archie comic. I laughed at this cartoon , too. Prevailing opinion deems my laughter sinful, though I’ve noticed no one is able to explain why (if you can, I will send you a free watermelon). Such a grossly superstitious age we live in.

CVC bests Buffett

My economic prediction from last year looks more and more accurate every day.

Back in March


Dispatch from the Philippines

In Batangas, a man armed with a knife “ ran amuck ”, killing two and wounding two others before killing himself. In Lucena City, a man on a tricycle “ reportedly ran amuck ”, chasing friends and family with a bolo until police arrived and filled him full of holes. In possibly related news, soldiers shot an “ amok ” Mussuleman at the Zamboanga checkpoint, while in Barangay Coronon a pervert “ went amok after he was forbidden by his relative to continue his illicit affair with his own niece ”.

Wizards of opinion

I’ve been thinking up creative ways to implement the economic stimulus. Some Americans could immediately be employed to flush money down the toilet. This may require the waiving of environmental restrictions. Another worthwhile project would be the creation of an American Pundit Hat industry. Pundit Hats will be large conical hats, similar to this fantastic Bronze Age specimen , but instead of gold they will be made out of recycled cans, and instead of being artistically decorated with astronomical symbols Pundit Hats will be inscribed with our highest truths (Diversity is Strength, The World is Flat, Yes We Can, We are the World, etc.) alongside images of our eminences (Bono, Gore, Oprah, Hugo Chavez, Obama, the ShamWow! guy, etc.). All who opine on TV or in establishment newspapers and magazines will be required to purchase Pundit Hats and wear them whenever in public; those refusing will be banished from the pundit class. None will refuse, of course, and most will believe the ha


Life expectancy in Zimbabwe is now the lowest in the world: 37 years for men and 34 for women. A cholera epidemic is raging. People have become ill with anthrax after eating the decaying flesh of animals that had died from the disease. Power was lost to the morgue in the capital city of Harare, leaving the corpses to rot. Most of the world is ignoring the agony of Zimbabwe, a once prosperous and medically advanced nation in southern Africa that is suffering from political and economic turmoil — and the brutality of Mugabe’s long and tyrannical reign. - Bob Herbert, celebrating Zimbabwe’s triumph over racism and reminding me why, when I hear it said " reality has a liberal bias ", I think of Rhodesia.

The second swindle

“The official theme of Mr. Obama’s inauguration is “A New Birth of Freedom,” a phrase taken from Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.” - The Washington Times . You may have noticed Obama is quite the Abe Lincoln enthusiast. Read p.38-39 of Lincoln at Gettysburg: The Words That Remade America by Gary Wills and you will understand why. See related commentaries by by Joseph Sobran and Sam Francis .

I wasn’t invited

Normally I’m the last to complain about someone squandering money on a party, but in these troubled economic times why is His Presidency The Barry Obongo spending $150 million on inaugural festivities ? Consider the alternatives: $150 million buys the entire population of Uganda a $5 foot long from Subway, it buys a custom perch for each of China’s 34,000 human-bird hybrids , or it buys a Boeing 767 for every single one of America’s openly Mustiphino congressmen.

Why did he have one handy?

I was working very hard once, doing a television drama called Sergeant Ryker , and one night after the shooting was completed, I was drinking in a San Fernando Valley bar with an assistant director. We were laughing and telling each other stories -- but this stranger kept barging in. He was just asking for it. In the past, guys I had never seen before would walk up to me in a bar and tell me that their wives really hated my guts. I'd just sneer. It was expected of me. But it would always end up in a very amicable conversation and I'd say, "Well, maybe your wife is right." So he'd say, "Nobody's that bad. I mean, you ought to know my wife." Before long, we would be buying each other a couple of drinks and laughing... But this guy in the Valley just kept baiting me. My thoughts were a million miles from him. He was fulfilling some need and, goddamn it, for some dumb, stupid reason, I helped him along. I just had to shut him up, so I hit him over the he

Misc. Hate

A Mustiphino has been spotted wandering the halls of Congress. The deranged babblings of an SPLC apparatchik inspired me to coin the word hatefact . Hatefacts are unquestionable facts about immigrants , blacks , women , homosexualists , et al., that the SPLC and those sharing its ideological inclinations deem “hate” or “hateful” to mention. UPDATE: It seems I unwittingly stole the idea for the word hatefact from Peter Brimelow, who used the term “hate facts” in a speech last November .

Oowah oowah

While the mere possibility of creating a human-chimp hybrid is giving Western scientists a “frisson of enjoyment” Chinese scientists have gone ahead with the mass production of human-bird hybrids . A squadron of Chinese bird-men assembles for duty .

Ang krang

Opening the New York Times I’m rewarded by Nicholas Kristof’s account of his latest descent into the hellish world of third-world sex slavery . In this episode, our hero visits Cambodia where he is shown around (don’t say escorted) by a former prostitute named Sina Vann. I had heard about torture chambers under the brothels but had never seen one, so a few days ago Sina took me to the red-light district here where she once was imprisoned. A brothel had been torn down, revealing a warren of dungeons underneath. How does Kristof know he’s looking at dungeons, and not some ordinary rooms? “I was in a room just like those,” she said, pointing. “There must be many girls who died in those rooms.” She grew distressed and added: “I’m cold and afraid. Tonight I won’t sleep.” Make the mark feel sympathy. “Photograph quickly,” she added, and pointed to brothels lining the street. “It’s not safe to stay here long.” Bond with the mark by creating a sense of shared danger. As in many brothels, the