Untrustworthy monkeys

In Malaysia, lesbian Orangutans are tearing off women’s pants (probably because they know they can’t be sued for sexual harassment).

Cambodian police have placed bounties on the heads of a group of macaque “gangster monkeys”.

The macaques’ crime spree includes acts of theft, burglaries, assaults, and sabotage of internet lines. According to deputy district governor Pich Socheata, “Authorities tried several times to get the unruly monkeys to eat eggs laced with sleeping pills, but had always been outsmarted.”

Are monkeys getting smarter? These types of incidents suggest that’s the case, leading me to conclude the Flynn effect has been occurring not only in humans, but in monkeys and apes as well.

Humans, as I’m reminded by my family every year at Thanksgiving, are primates too, little different from the hairier primates. In human crime news, Things Move Around has been doing some looting. Or has he?


  1. Are you sure I'm a human? I think you're suggesting I'm a monkey. Monkeys are horrible beats. We cut them a lot of slack because they're primates. Have we learnt nothing "Planet of the Apes"?

  2. Insert 's' before 't' of 'beats'. Insert 'from' after 'nothing'. Insert 'ugh, ugh' after every word.

  3. "Insert 's' before 't' of 'beats'"

    Thanks for clearing that up, because given their language skills and the ease with which you can teach them to play the bongos, monkeys make terrific beats.


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