The news you need when you least expect it

The Mangalorean reports a mummy was captured at a home in Hampton Bays, New York. The mummy was watching television, apparently not even the accursed undead can resist the hypnotic inanities of the idiot box.

Increasing numbers of Americans deny the existence of Bigfoot. Imagine how this must make the Bigfoots feel. Why are Bigfoots the last minority group it’s acceptable to hate?

Jack Hylton foresees a hellish future for Whitby:
“[T]his is a sure way to make our town stink in the summer months and bring more rampaging rats breeding and the scavenging sky gulls that keep ourselves and our tourists awake. Breeding will be out of control when the rotting bags (not in dustbins) will be torn apart and are open invitation to encourage the many rats to breed more. To think they wish to let part of the tourist information centre off to a cafe franchise. When this emits horrible smells in the hot weather around this area, this will chase more of our tourists away."
Happy President’s Day.


  1. I'm curious about the Grand Turk of Whitby, which Hylton fears departing his town. Is this some kind of benevolent potentate or vizier, a spiritual leader of some sort, perhaps doubling as the town rat catcher?

  2. Mystery, magic, flying carpets, evil bureaucrats, fights with giant rats - find them all in Jack Hylton and The Grand Turk of Whitby - the first in a series some predict will be the next Harry Potter-like sensation in children's books.

  3. The Manalorean must be the world's most interesting newspaper. Here are some of today's featured articles:

    * Teachers slap in school haunts 20-month-old
    * Girl lost in poker game pleads for help
    * Jealous husbands may face trial in court
    * After Guinness nod to Indian chili, woman to set record eating it
    * Stand-in mistress sought to take wife's abuse
    * Cry wolf prank costs teenagers their lives
    * 6-yr-old raped, murdered
    * Longevity secret of 107 year old man
    * Eight-year-old boy grows hairy tail
    * Jesus coffin found, says Titanic director
    * At 72, he is going strong with 26 children
    * Diet-based method to treat brain cancer
    * Driver leaps off bus to save girl
    * Man kills father, cuts off mother's hands
    * Man swallows kinfe to stop extradition

  4. Isn't it great? A goldmine.

    I try to get most of my news from The Mangalorean, Whitby Today, and of course The Tide, though lately I've been avoiding The Tide because reading it gives me a headache.


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