Announcements

After careful consideration, I must formally announce the end of my tenure as Overseas Artistic Advisor to the Swaziland Reed Dance. Changing circumstances precludes my spending any more time and energy on ebony-hued bouncing-teenage titties; I must instead focus on fighting the crime against civilization called the 'War on Tobacco’.

Also, after learning from the chairman of the West Sumatra branch of the Indonesian Clerics’ Council that Valentine’s Day is a Zionist plot, I’ve decided to formally announce I will not be participating in this year’s Valentine’s Day. According to Chairman Buya Mas’oed Abidin:

"Kegemaran tersebut perlu segera dihentikan, karena hal itu tidak cocok dengan budaya kita," kata Buya Mas'oed Abidin, di Padang, Selasa. Hari kasih sayang, digelar kapitalis dan satu konspirasi yahudi itu bakal diperingati remaja dunia pada 14 Pebruari 2008, dan kebiasaan tersebut juga bakal diperingati generasi muda di tanah air, seperti tahun-tahun lalu.

["This hobby must be immediately stopped, because it does not agree with our culture," said Buya Mas'oed Abidin, in Padang, on Tuesday. “This ‘affection day’, has been spread by the capitalists and the Jewish conspiracy, and will be commemorated by the world’s adolescents on February 14 2008, and this habit will also be commemorated by the younger generation in the homeland, like previous years.”]

When asked how he came up with this novel theory, Mas’oed Abidin insisted it was based on careful research, and has nothing to do with his having five wives.