The New Studies Are Here

Pterygotid sea scorpion, tickling a bird.

Pterygotid sea scorpions, 8 foot long arthropods that lived hundreds of millions of years ago were not fearsome predators, a new study says.  Their oversized, lethal looking claws were actually weak and clumsy, making them the buffoons of the Paleozoic ocean. Scientists exposing and embarrassing them now, after all this time, strikes me as mean-spirited.

Another new study says “giant pandas need old-growth forests as much as bamboo forests.” Am I the only one who finds Pandas’ demands excessive? I've never seen them do anything to warrant the adulation heaped on them, either.

After observing a group of Ugandan chimpanzees for 14 years, a pair of easily entertained scientists concluded “young females in one group of African chimpanzees use sticks as dolls more than their male peers do.” I forwarded the report to the Women’s Studies department of a local university, with the suggestion they deploy faculty to the jungle, to teach the chimps how to overcome stereotypical gender roles.


  1. Chris Packham (BBC TV wildlife expert) has also criticised the panda for being outlandishly expensive to conserve. He has said that they should be allowed to go extinct:

    Funny thing is that they actually have the digestive tract of a carnivore ( which means that they derive little nourishment from bamboo. This goes somewhat towards explaining their excessive demand for bamboo..

  2. Thanks for the link to Packham.

    "They derive little nourishment from bamboo," yet that's all they eat. Idiots.

  3. And after chimps are enlightened and cured, as surely they will be, with dispatch - there's ants. Plants. Protists. Bacteria - some of which are downright sexual in a full-blown sense, and others of which bear a pilus/penis that injects into other cells a chromosome encoding, inter alia, the pilus itself.

    Ban sex.

    Man will be truly human when he reforms the algae - addresses the diatoms.

  4. Pandas are nature's laziest creatures. They lie about eating junk food & pooping all day. A panda mother with twins will let one die because she can't be bothered to feed both. Meanwhile mad scientists spend millions attempting to artificially reproduce these worthless creatures. Who exactly is the idiot?

  5. They are quite dishonest creatures as well, masquerading as bears when they are in fact raccoons. Capybaras have also attempted impersonation, but to much less success.

  6. J Wild: I thought my opinion would be unpopular, but now I suspect there is a silent anti-panda majority.

    TGGP: Good point. You can get a capybara for $600.

  7. Late to the game, but have to say I have despised Pandas for over twenty years and I'm not even a Zoologist.


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