Oldie News

As the Zephaniah of the oldie menace, I would be remiss not to mention two recent news items involving oldie crimes against humanity (I looked for news items about oldies doing good deeds, unsurprisingly I was unable to find any).

From the UK comes the story of an elderly woman who took advantage of the latest in fertility medicine, and the lack of ethics of Italian doctors, to become pregnant at age 62. She just squeezed a 6 pounds 10-1/2 ounce baby boy from her dusty womb. If this trend continues you will have parents and newborns wearing the same brand of diapers. I have no idea why she did this, it wasn’t even her own egg (couldn’t she have adopted one of those needy African children one hears so much about?), but I’m sure the boy will turn out fine as the old broad's a child psychologist.

The other oldie making headlines is the 89-year-old man who drove his car into a crowd of younger people at a festival, running over dozens, injuring 27. I’m sure the mainstream media who caters to oldies (they being the only ones left who pay any attention to it) will spin this incident as an accident, but eyewitnesses observed the ersatz Mr. Magoo “accelerate sharply” before ramming into the throng. There’s a war on, people - so why is only one side fighting?


  1. I agree with you that oldies are not really people, but unaffiliated terrorists--as in the case of these geezers who deliberately ride around until their brakes fail and then speed into the nearest crowd, only to emerge unscathed themselves. Then to be saved from further mischief by their own, all-too caring, relatives. The question is, where did these oldies come from?

  2. I prefer not to think about it, but it's likely the 89 year old was speeding to his 75 year old girlfriend's house in order to impregnate her.

    We all know where the awful oldies came from, the oldies of my generation will be worse than the oldies who preceded us, those younger than I will become worse oldies still.

  3. Is there no way to reverse this trend? Or shall humanity be overwhelmed by a population of selfish oldies, ever increasingly supplied at a younger and younger age? Yours is a truly apocalypic vision, Van Carter; and I find no way to think around it, given these news reports you cite and the behavior we, and the rest of us doomed younglings must endure--as we try and fail to navigate in this frightening explosion of repulsive people who simply refuse to die, but instead insist on getting a second chance after they have been released from bringing up their children! It is an often quoted statistic that there are more people alive now, than ever lived and died in the history of the world; apparently the end, if there is one, shall occur in a mass congealing of writhing oldies . . . and I hope I, while still in my recalcitrant jubiliant state of mind, am there for it!

  4. You as an oldie? But you smoke.

  5. Mortimer: Your humaness is inspiring. Perhas I should take a break from the apocalyptic and be optimistic, if only to see what I would imagine.

    Your observation "there are more people alive now, than ever lived" is something I've been meaning to write about, since if each of has two parents, who each had two parents, who each had two parents, there were obviously vastly more people in the past than there are now....

    James: Alas, smoking is no guarantee against becoming an oldie:



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