I’ve become so inured to vehicular assaults perpetrated by oldies I hardly paused after reading of the septuagenarian who fights “illegal drug use, out of her car” that slammed into an apartment building yesterday in Florida. And then an hour later I had one of those flashes of insight only great minds are capable of: with war in Mesopotamia and the Hindu Kush having left our troops stretched thin, couldn’t we deploy our oldies overseas? Imagine thousands of horrendously bad elderly drivers, off our streets and behind the wheels of armor plated vehicles, rolling in erratic zigzag fashion across the plains of Afghanistan, turning unpridictably to crush suprised Talibani hiding in the weeds or in apartment buildings.

Many oldies are so bored they would happily volunteer for such a mission. There are many more so addled they wouldn’t notice any difference between driving a Buick from the retirement home to the IHOP and driving a Humvee from the barracks to a Taliban encampment. The rest will just have to get used to it.


  1. This is a great idea. A draft for oldies! I am not sure you are right, though, about oldies being bored. After all, time moves MUCH faster for them; oldies sitting on park benches, I have observed are seen gripping the rails, as if they were on a speeding train. They are not bored, but only stunned, perhaps. Also, George Bush would seem to a more appropriate Commander in Chief, if he were Chief of Oldies; he might even want to join up himself! What age to you suggest for this designation of oldies? If we make it at age 60 we could send David Letterman.

  2. "I have observed are seen gripping the rails, as if they were on a speeding train"

    Well put. That's from one of your poems, isn't it?


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