Airport Insecurity

There has been considerable outcry about the unpleasant new airport security ‘pat down’ searches (‘pat down’ is a bureaucratic euphemism for groping). Recently I endured a screening that went on for an inordinate amount of time, so long that I became suspicious that there wasn’t a hidden homosexualist agenda behind it. The moustached airport security worker fondling me certainly seemed to be enjoying the process an awful lot. I complained to a security supervisor, and he assured me that the security worker who had fondled me was actually a woman. Well there you go. If we all must suffer these invasive and politically correct ‘safety’ measures, it seems the least they could do is make it more pleasant by hiring attractive personnel (if Hooters can do it, why can't the TSA?).

But making things more pleasant is not an interest of our horrible elected leaders in these United States. They, in fact, wish to make us more miserable. This is why our government has gone to such great lengths to persecute smokers, and now I see they have set their sights on one of the 21st century’s most exciting new pastimes: freestyle erotic camera phone photography. The soon to be enacted law:

would make it a crime to videotape or photograph the naked or underwear-covered private parts of a person without consent when the person has a reasonable expectation of privacy.

In other words, the law will prohibit the taking of any picture that is interesting or fun. It should surprise no one that the inspiration for this bit of totalitarianism comes from Saudi Arabia.

In other sad news, the crew of our expensive and pointless Space Station is slowly starving to death. No one forced them to live in outer space, so it really is their own fault, but I still feel sorry for them, as even more so than those here on Earth they are victims of our horrible and ineffective government. Accordingly, I have sent to NASA a plan to sustain the Spaceketeers until a proper rescue can be effected. My plan is to launch daily a small rocket with a hollowed out nose cone, inside of which will be a variety of delicious deli sandwiches and some large colas. Except on Fridays, when Chinese food will be substituted.


  1. Note the name of the author of the first article linked to.

  2. Well, Gay is a surname that anyone--say, a respected intellectual historian--might come by honestly. But the phallic affectation "Lance" simply beggars belief.

  3. Interesting. The names of both men seem too good to be true, don't they. Has yet another branch of the conspiracy been uncovered?


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