Arrival: Tokyo

Hello Tokyo! I first stumbled across Japan on a trip to Nippon, and was so impressed I forgot all about my original destination. The futuristic cityscape of Tokyo is like no place on earth. If Godzilla were alive today he would hardly recognize his old stomping grounds. I have terrible jet-lag. Crime in Tokyo is so low I can go anywhere with no worries someone is going to steal either of my two suitcases (one filled with bottles of beer, the other filled with a selection of liquor - the price of drinks is a bit excessive here). Tokyo pays young people to dress up as cartoon characters and interact with tourists, like Disneyland. Only it's better, because in Tokyo one can smoke cigarettes almost anywhere.

But I am not in Tokyo to have a good time, I am here for sex. Specifically, I have come to attend a conference of Great Minds who have gathered to solve the crisis of Japan’s declining birthrate ('shoshika!' to those in the know). I was initially baffled by what little interest the attractive and hygienic Japanese have in reproducing themselves, until I made an astonishing discovery. Observe the lessons in this defective Japanese sex how-to manual for teens - here and here. Now imagine trying to apply them. Not only would an attempt to use such ridiculous methods end in failure (and given what famously diligent and hardworking students the Japanese are, I have no doubt they have absorbed the misinformation completely, and apply it with unquestioning diligence), the resulting confusion and embarrassment certainly causes depression and general loss of interest in mating.

The solution is to re-train the younger Japanese before it is too late. After presenting my findings at the conference, I will personally conduct a series of sex re-education seminars for teenaged girls, to take place in my hotel room. Interested applicants can contact me via the front desk at the Tokyo Hilton.


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